At it again..

“And by “it” I mean, being my own worst enemy, of course.

I wonder just how many great things I’ve ruined for myself. I hope not too many, but I’m pretty sure it’s more than I’d like.

Anyway, it’s technically self-care Sunday, so I’m not gonna beat myself up about it. Instead, I’m going to focus on moving forward, on learning from each day..”

I started this post last night when I was too tired to keep my eyes open, but I wanna finish it because I feel like it’s something someone somewhere might relate to.

The basic rundown of my day yesterday is that I spent most of it pretty sure I ruined a friendship I’ve got going.

If you can’t tell from this blog, I am like #1 in the world when it comes to a person being hard on themselves. It’s something that is definitely a continuous battle.

Being so hard on myself actually plays in, and sort of kicks off the vicious cycle of me being my own worst enemy. Clearly very fun times.

But last night, I was reminded to calm the fuck down. Firstly, I need to stop getting in the way of my own happiness. Secondly, I gotta stop letting my happiness and peace be so easily disturbed.

So this self-care Sunday is all about trying to see everything from some sort of positive perspective

So let me get my shit together and start by joyfully packing for move-in, because move-in means I get to make another place my home and sanctuary for a little while.

Technology- Reality Balance

Technology is ruining our lives. (I say as a type this post on my Macbook with my iPhone on the chair right next to me.

Okay, so I don’t think it’s entirely ruining our lives, but it’s definitely something that needs to be managed properly.

Kids these days don’t know life without iPads or game apps on phones.  Young adults don’t know how to enjoy things without posting about them to three different social media sites. People seem to order literally everything online these days (I know because I worked at and Amazon sortation center for two summers). Generally, everyone has become very comfortable with the use of certain technologies.

I think technology is fucking amazing, everything from this blog, to Microsoft Word formatting my papers for me, or Netflix allowing me to binge watch tv anywhere etc. I think my all time favorite form of technology is the kind that allows me to listen to music whenever, wherever, because there is no way I could lived without it. (I think the movie COCO showed us all how miserable life would be without music.)

Like, I feel blessed to have as much access to technology as I do. It does make life easier and more enjoyable in a lot of ways. I think it can also be great distraction though.

I could sit here and pretend I’m perfect, and judge other peoples’ use of technology, but that would be messed up because I definitely have some struggles with it myself.

Every once in a while I try to take a break from social media when I realize how much it consumes my life.

Lately I’ve been trying to take a serious break from it and really refocus my energies. Social media is a vortex that can breed envy, insecurity, loneliness and whole slew of other issues. It can also make us forget how good we have it.

Like, it kills me that while I’m out here stressing something because of social media, there are people with deeper more intense problems than mine and stuff, ya know?

While I’m jealous of something someone else flashes on social media, there are people who don’t have some of the basic things I’m fortunate to have.

I feel like no matter what, life is always about finding balance between thing, and it can be really messy sometimes to find balance, but it’s definitely something worth working towards.

And that’s that.

Growing up, I was taught to treat others the way I want to be treated, and it’s something I really took to heart.

Something I wish I took more to heart is the fact that people can only treat you how you allow them to.

I’ve been alive for almost 22 years and that fact is just now really hitting me. I have let way too many people treat me in ways I don’t deserve.

I truthfully don’t know what’s good with me to be honest. Like, I assume and expect the worse from people, but at the same time I always try wayyyy too hard to see the good in them. Quite honestly, it makes no sense, I make no sense.

Like, I know people are awful, but I still hold on to this hope that maybe they aren’t as awful as I think.

I know how I deserve to be treated, and instead of running for the hills when I am not treated as I am supposed to be, I stick around hoping for change. Like sis, get it together. *inserts facepalm emoji*

I have to be able to draw the line, to find some sort of balance between having faith in people and knowing when to just drop them.

I don’t want to be a pessimistic ass person who hates everyone, but I don’t want to be naive about things either. I’ve been known to stick around people for longer than I should have in the past and I really need to cut it out.

The second someone shows their true colors, the second I am treated in a way I don’t deserve I should just cut them out, and that’s that.

A true goddess would not stand for someone getting her worth all fucked up, so that shit ends today. And that’s that.

Y’all ain’t seen nothing from me yet.

It’s self-care Sunday which means a whole lotta self reflection.

To be honest with you, I do a lot of self reflection on the regular, but Sunday’s I really spend time thinking about how I want to ensure I’m living my best life for at least the week ahead.

I’ve been slipping like a motherfucker lately. I’ve been letting myself get distracted, I’ve been worried about the wrong things, but it’s time to “Level Up” as Ciara would say.

“I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR GAMES” *insert yelling emoji*

I’m gonna be somebody,I’m gonna do great things, I’m gonna live a life that makes me happy & have all that I could ever want.

Anyone who is not contributing positively to me leveling up does not matter. That’s it, I’m done. It’s time for a boss ass reset.

I’ve spent too long hoping to get back the energy I give, but now I’m changing my whole energy up. I’m demanding what I deserve and that’s that.

Meh

Meh.

^ How I feel right now because I am the worst worrier.

I wish there was a way for me to stop worrying so much, truly. Like I am fine, things in my life aren’t going horrible, I finally feel like I’m in control again.

I need to just take a fucking chill pill. Everything is fine, everything will be fine, I got this.

I sometimes envy people who seem to not have a care in the world, cause your girl be stressssssed.

I’m just annoyed with myself though because I truly shouldn’t be as stressed as I am. I’m actually doing okay right now, so hopefully this little worry sesh pipes the fuck down.

As much as I am worried, I’m also sort of pumped to prepare for moving in. I already have most of my basic needs which is like über clutch to be completely honest. I won’t actually have to go out and buy much.

I came up with an idea for decorating my room so I’m totally ready to make it happen. I think it’s going to be great. I think everything will be just fine.

And just like that, I don’t feel “meh” anymore.

Expressing your feelings is truly magical.

Going Places

Hey y’all, it’s been a minute.

Today was a not-so-great day, but good things always come from the bad, right?

For a second today (definitely longer than a second, but please let me live), I forgot who the fuck I was.

Your girl was out here feeling sad over a boy, knowing damn well she’s too much of a goddess for that shit. It’s really crazy. Like the power that other humans and human interaction can have over how you feel.

I wonder all the time why the hell God was like “yeah let’s make this one extra emotional, an empath and all dat”.  When your girl feels, she feeeeeeeels.

It’s all good though, I did a little retail therapy today to cheer myself up. My favorite purchase is my new ban.dō planner. It says “Going Places” on the cover, and you bet your ass that’s what I am doing.

I don’t have time to be caught up on people who aren’t at all caught up on me clearly. I have things to accomplish. I have goals and aspirations. I’ve got dreams I am working on making come true.

Anybody who is not contributing to me going places does not matter.
I AM SMART

I AM STRONG

I AM FEARLESS

I AM BEAUTIFUL

I AM A GODDESS DAMMIT.

I can’t be out here letting myself forget these things. I am worthy of all the good things this world has to offer me. I am worthy of everything I want out of life, and I am determined to get it.

Your girl is back, let’s get it.

Don’t get stuck

Currently binge-watching Once Upon A Time (even though I know damn well I should be in bed because I have work in the morning) and of course, I’m drawing parallels between my life and the lives of the characters.

There are a lot of layers to the show, but one key thing about the town it is set in is that no one can leave, and most never really want to apparently.

The first thing that comes to mind when I think about being stuck in a town is a song by A Day to Remember called “All Signs Point to Lauderdale”. The chorus literally starts with “I hate this town”.

It’s a great song to rock out to, to be honest. But yeah, so, I don’t hate my town but it’s not my favorite.

A lot of people never leave this place. I do not intend to be one of those people. That’s one of the main reasons I work so hard a stress so much. I don’t want to be stuck here.

I don’t ever want to be stuck in any sense. Being stagnant just isn’t good for the soul. There’s too much in the world to see and do to let my life be confined to one town or even one state.

I’ve been on this up and down sorta thing all summer trying to figure my life out, looking for motivation, purpose etc.

I don’t have shit figured out yet, but I do know I’m not tryna be stuck.