It’s been a few..

Hi y’all (idk if anybody actually reads this)

It’s been a few days. I’m going to be super annoying and chalk my absence up to my hormones making me a tired, cranky bore. I hate when people blame a woman’s feelings or actions on her hormones, but I think it’s okay for a woman to do so about herself sometimes. 

Anyway, today I wanna talk about worth. It’s a pretty insane subject, I for sure won’t even touch upon half the things that I could about it. Specifically I wanna talk about how knowing and believing in your own worth does not necessarily mean your life is super fab and insecurity free. 

The fact of the matter is, I think I’m pretty fucking great. I’d say I’m a great catch, I even think I’m beautiful which is not something you ever would have heard me say a few years back. I’ve spent a lot of time learning to love myself, and I’m proud to say that I do. (In the least annoying “I Love Me” Meghan Trainor sort of way) 

Self-love is a continual growth process though, you don’t just attain it and have it forever, it takes work sometimes. Personally, it feels like my self-love works against me more than it does for me. 

My biggest struggle by far is being caught between feeling like I am worth the world three times over, and wondering if I actually have as much to offer as I think. I know my worth, and I feel like sometimes that messes things up for me. I catch myself settling because settling allows me to have prospects (in terms of love prospects and stuff) whereas knowing my worth seems to make things more difficult. 

It’s almost like dudes want women who don’t know their worth, that’s what it often feels like. It feels like being secure in yourself as a heterosexual woman scares potential love interests more often than not. Maybe “scares” isn’t the right word to describe it for every dude, but I don’t know, confidence seems to mess with them. Sometimes I feel like it’s because they do not want to put in the effort to show me that they understand I’m worth a lot. Other times i feel like they want to be the ones who build up my confidence to where it is etc.

There are  a lot of different dynamics to it, but the one thing that is consistent is how tired it makes me. It makes me sad too. I question if I will ever find someone who believes my worth is what I believe it to be. 

Even though it’s hard to keep from settling, I’ve gotta do better to remind myself that I am a bomb ass bitch who deserves the world. Anyone who makes me feel otherwise doesn’t deserve any of my time or energy. Even now, as I write this, I find myself only half believing that I am worth what I think I am. I find myself only half believing that I can stop settling. 

It’s a vicious cycle friends, but I’m pretty sure I’m worth a lot and you are too. So keep pushing innhopes hat the cycle one day comes to an end.

Breathe and Cry

The ninth prompt of this thirty day challenge asked me to share some words of wisdom that I live by.

I’m not currently in the best state to be giving anyone advice about anything, but there are two things I think are essential to making it through life; breathing and crying.

Obviously we all need to breathe, because duhh we can’t live if we don’t. Even so, I often have to remind myself to just breathe. I just tend to get really caught up in the stressors of life, and I stress things way more than I probably should. I even freak out about things that are in no way within my control. If you ask my dad, he’ll say I don’t know what stressors even are but that’s not true. I could list everything that is currently stressing me, but I don’t want this post to be about that.

I just wanna let anyone who might read this know that it is okay, and in your best interest to take a step back from life to just breathe whenever you need to. There is nothing more important than your well being. It’s a lot easier said than done to step away from some things, but sometimes forcing yourself too can really help in the long run.

So if you breathing means physically taking some time to inhale/exhale, or shutting off your phone, or briefly stepping away from some responsibility, you do it. Do it whenever you need to (within reason of course, I’m not saying lets all ditch our responsibilities).

Another thing I encourage all of my friends to do is cry. ( Don’t worry, I do my best not to be the reason they cry.)

Crying can release a lot, and sometimes it is the easiest way to let things out. Sometimes I don’t even realize how hard I’ve been pushing myself until I randomly burst out into tears. I recommend that you not push yourself that far, but I do think a random cry every once in a while can be cathartic.

In our society there are like a shit ton of rules surrounding the act of crying. Men are expected not to ever cry. Women are expected to cry, but are expected to do so in the right settings etc. (the anthropology major in me wants to apologize for generalizing, but like I’m pretty sure that’s basically how most people would sum that up)

It’s crazy to me that something so natural and raw is regulated. Catch me crying whenever and wherever the hell I want. I literally cry at tv commercials, like the one in which the little boy sends paper planes over his fence thinking they’re reaching is military dad overseas, and the elderly neighbor makes sure to arrange it so that he can send plane letters from the kid’s father back over the fence. That was a terrible description, but yeah. I also cry at the end of books and good tv shows, you name it and I have probably cried because of it.

There is a slight difference between those cries, and the ones driven by the fact that I have been pushing myself so hard. The latter are really deep long cries, the kind that make you feel great but hella tired too. I don’t suggest pushing yourself to the point in which you need to experience one of these crying sessions, but if you do, know that it’s perfectly okay to cry.

Breathing and crying has allowed me to keep my head on mostly straight for the past almost 21 years. Next time you need to do either one, give it a shot, I promise you’ll feel better.

Eight

Eight is actually one of my favorite numbers, because I was born in the eighth month of the year. It’s also one of my least favorite numbers because it seems that a lot of bills are due in August. *cries* 

Anyway, this is my eighth post of the thirty day writing challenge I selected. This one is going to be a little less sunshine and rainbows than the other ones. The prompt is : “share something you struggle with”. 

The list of things I struggle with isn’t crazy long, but it’s also not short. At this very moment in my life something I am really struggling with is trust issues. 

I don’t trust anybody, never have, never will. Every time I think I might be able to trust someone shit hits the fan. 

I’m no angel, but damn people suck. Why is keeping your word such a hard concept for people to grasp? In my experience, men seem to struggle with this concept a whole lot more than women.  

It feels like all my life I’ve been fed “lies and fairytales” like my brother’s girlfriend likes to say. I truly don’t believe any of the things people say to me anymore. 

Thankfully, I’ve learned to love myself and that love has gotten me through a lot. So right now, even though I feel sorta down because people have proven to be disappointing one two many times, im going to focus on the one person I know won’t betray me, me. 

Half Goddess, Medio Infierno

Guess who’s back, back again.. Vickey’s back, tell a friend. 

Hello humans! *if you’ve been to Disney world’s Laugh Floor you know what the correct response is* 

Anyway, hi. For those of you who don’t know (which is simultaneously all of you and no one because no one actually follows this blog). My name is Vickey and I am half goddess, half hell.

I got the idea for the URL for this blog from the lovely quote you see pictured on my home page. The title of the blog since it’s early days (the days when I was on Blogger and couldn’t even blog from my phone) *insert eye rolling emoji*, has been “Life Goal: Be a Goddess”. 

I’ve decided I don’t like that title. It sounds like something I would’ve posted on Tumblr when I was like 13. I guess it worked for a bit, but I’ve decided to switch things up. I went for a title that I think sounds a bit more interesting and really gets at who I am. 

*drum roll please* 

This blog is now called “Half Goddess, Medio Infierno”. It literally means half goddess, half hell, but I feel like it better captures one of my most significant identities. I am very proudly Latina, Puerto Rican to be exact. Like, my snap story yesterday may have included a bunch of clips of me trying to emulate a reggaeton artist. 

This blog is meant to explore all of my identities, and lately I haven’t been doing so. I don’t want it to necessarily scream “I’m Latina and Latinas are the best humans to walk this earth”, but I do want it to at least whisper it. 

So, this new title is an attempt to get back on track with what this blog is really supposed to be about. I’m currently in the midst of a 30 day writing challenge who’s prompts may not necessarily make for the most cohesive site right now, but I do think it has given some insight into who I am thus far. 

I am half goddess, half hell. I’m a proud Latina, a student, a sorority woman, a literal hot mess, and so much more. 

Welcome to my life and my blog.. again. 

Seven

Day seven’s prompt is right up my alley. It reads: “List 10 songs that you’re loving right now”

I love music and cannot live without it. So here is my list:

  1. Bodak Yellow- Cardi B
  2. Sorry Not Sorry – Demi Lovato
  3. Mi Gente- J Balvin and Willy William
  4. Give it Up- Breakfast N Vegas, Bad Bunny, Tory Lanez
  5. Family Feud – Jay Z
  6. Despacito – Luis Fonsi and Daddy Yankee
  7. Bella y Sensual – Romeo Santos, Daddy Yankee, Nicky Jam
  8. Bailan- 2 Chainz and Pharrell
  9. Te Querido, Te He Llorado- Ivy Queen
  10. Cuentale – Ivy Queen

I’ll spare you explanations for each song, but the first one and the last two match my mood perfectly right now. I am in this real “bad bitch” mood right now and I’m hoping to make it a phase. I’m trynna be a full blown bad bitch for the next school year. Good things are happening dude.

Seasonal People

One of my all time favorite songs ever is “Seasons of Love” from rent. It is one of those songs that just hits you with feeling. Though the movie itself makes me cry, it also helps to remind me of a few things. For one, it reminds me that life is too short for negativity. It also reminds me how powerful love can be, self-love and love between people. 

Self-love is the reason that today I write this post to remind myself that some people are only meant to be in your life for a season. That totally goes against the plot of the movie, but the movie only came to mind when I was trying to figure out what to name this post quite honestly. 

Anyway, yes, some people are seasonal people. Sometimes it’s hard to accept people as such, but accepting it is the key to living your most fruitful life. I treat all people who have come into my life and left as a lesson learned. It’s amazing how much other people contribute to your growth. Some people would like to think they do everything in life on their own, but that’s impossible. 

We need long-term and short-term people to get through life. Both can be appreciated for different reasons. 

Though I believe we should appreciate seasonal people, I understand how hard that can be sometimes. It gets especially hard when someone you thing is a long-term part of your life ends up being seasonal. At the same token, things can get tricky when you write the wrong people off as seasonal.

These are just a couple of the many things that make this thing called life hella complicated for no reason. 

I personally now believe someone who I thought was a long-term person was just a season. There’s another person who I wish was long term, but for right now I think he’s seasonal. It’s scary though, I feel like we never really know if any of the judgment calls we make in life are right. 

For now, I choose to trust my gut. I choose to let go of certain seasonal people who I didn’t want to admit were seasonal. I choose to love myself and not let someone who was only meant to be in my life for a season bring me down. 

6/30

Five ways to win my heart: 

Be genuine

Make me laugh 

Show me affection 

Ask about the things that are important to me 

Feed me 

This post is a little late (it’s technically day 7 now, but I worked a double on day 6 and was too busy to write). 

So, now I’ll address the five ways individually. The first, stems from my trust issues. I could lie and say I don’t have trust issues, but my life isn’t set up that way. The universe basically set me up to have trust issues in the worst way. I like when people can be honest and real and upfront with me. Not having to guess how a person feels about or towards me is like the biggest relief ever. 

Funny people are also quite the relief from life as well. I love people who can make me laugh. I don’t think it’s particularly hard to make me laugh, but I do think that some people are able to get more genuine deep laughs out of me. I love those people, they make me happy.

Affection also makes me happy. I’m pretty sure it’s my love language. You time a nice hug or kiss nicely and I am all yours. I live for affection. I don’t need flowers and chocolate, I need a booty rub and a nap. 

A person wanting to get to the booty-rub stage would have to know me pretty well. Presumably they would learn a lot about me from asking me questions. Sometimes all I really need is someone to care about how I am doing as a human being. I also enjoy when people ask me about things I figured they would forget about. Remembering the things I care most about shows that you care about me. 

Feeding me also shows that you care about me. I love when people worry that I do not eat enough. That sounds crazy, but there’s a certain kind of people who make me feel really safe and really well taken care of when they worry about things like that for me. Food is also the love of my life, there are a lot of things I’d to just to experience great food. Keeping me fed also keeps me from getting cranky, my crankiness isn’t fun for anyone. 

Now you know basically everything there is to know about me. Okay bye.