There’s this song I like called “Ain’t No Rest For the Wicked”, and I’m not 1000% sure this post will relate to it much, but it’s definitely stuck in my head right now.
I’m up late not just because I was doing work, but because I get really anxious for exams and I have one on Thursday. I’m not just regular anxious though, I’m super anxious. The exam is in a math class and math isn’t my strongest subject.
I’m a senior in college with a cumulative 3.8 GPA, and I still freak out about grades. Twenty one years on this earth and I still haven’t stifled the school perfectionist in me.
I say “school perfectionist” because I’m mostly a perfectionist when it comes to school related things. I still strive to be the best in other areas of my life, but nothing really bugs me like school does. It’s both totally unhealthy and the best thing for me.
In terms of my future, doing well in school makes sense. My future looks a little more bleak and a little slower now, because I can’t really continue to do everything on my own like I have been, but doing well now will still help my future endeavors.
It’s funny because I swore that once I got to college I’d tone it all down, but the truth is I’ve kicked it up a knotch (SOS, seriously, someone tell me I need to calm the F down).
Putting my all into school and building my future helps me to forget about my past and present. To this day, I don’t have the familial support system a lot of people around me have. I don’t have anyone actively expressing interest in what my post-grad life will look like. I’ve never really had anyone like that. The undergrad application process consisted of me doing everything on my own, and asking my parents to pay for/sign a couple things. I don’t think my parents ever even saw my common app essay. No one cared what I wrote about, no one really saw my 9 acceptance letters as the accomplishments they were.
No one ever really sees any of the work that into anything I do. People are quick to point out my flaws though.
All those cliche sayings about how good people get screwed, and nice guys finishing last etc., turns out there might be some truth to them. No matter what I do, nothing will ever be good enough for anyone. That is the one thing that has been most consistent in my life. I am the one who pulls through to prove to myself that I am in fact capable of great things, but doing all this work with zero recognition gets exhausting.
Sometimes I think about the ways in which my life would be better if I hadn’t pushed myself, if I settled for all the things young Puerto Rican women have been settling for for generations. Sometimes I just want to give up.
And I won’t.
No matter how hard it gets, even if it means I get no rest. I’m not sure, but I feel like someday someone somewhere will recognize all of my accomplishments and my mark will be left on the world.