Reset Button

Today I’m hitting the handy dandy reset button. 

I wish I could reset to when I was little and didn’t have any stress, but unfortunately that’s not how life works. Instead, I’m going to take what I can of my life into my hands and hit the quick reset. 

It’s time to purge, it’s time to focus on what’s really important. It’s time to be a boss ass bitch everyone knows and loves. 

Know yourself?

Nope, this isn’t a post dedicated to running through the six with your woes.

In fact, this post is just as much about not knowing yourself as it is about knowing yourself. 

Recently, I watched (maybe sobbed through) Demi lovato’s YouTube documentary, and let me tell you I love that woman. I’ve always loved her, she’s always been on that list of women I would seriously consider marrying, but holy shit. She is such a fucking inspiration. 

She totally has me believing in myself again. I feel like it’s okay to totally know myself , but at the same time not. Like, I know who the fuck I am, but I also don’t. 

I’m only 21 I’m still growing, and I’ve got plenty of time to figure all my shit out. Sure, I don’t necessarily have the privilege of taking my seeet damn time to figure some thing out, but I sure as hell don’t need to have everything figured out right now. 

A little while ago I had that really bad breakdown, like really bad, but I feel like I’m in a little bit better of a space now. I don’t have to be scared of who I am or what the future holds. I sincerely do not have to stress what other people think of me so much. I am going to find my way in life, and I’m gonna do it alone. 

Hopefully I won’t do it all alone, but it’s okay if that’s what it comes to. I’m okay with whatever life throws my way, and even though it’s scary to say that I am really excited. 

The thought of really truly unapologetically being myself is seriously so freaking amazing. Know yourself is important , being yourself is even more so. 

Work in Progress

Last night, I had one of the worst breakdowns I’ve had in a while. The days have been sort of hard to get through lately, but I think I just need to remember that it’s okay to be a work in progress.

That’s what this blog is all about afterall, how amazing I am (in the least cocky way possible) and how much more amazing I am going to become.

Perfection doesn’t exist, and there’s no reason to rush reaching my full potential. Those are two things I must remind myself of constantly.

I mean, I guess I shouldn’t say “perfection doesn’t exist” because I’d rather believe that I am already perfect the way I am. Then again, sometimes I’d just like to throw away words like “perfection”. Like who even defines that shit? What does it even mean? Why does it even matter?

Anyway, as much as I wanna cry because I’m still facing the same amount of stress as yesterday, I’m not gonna cry because I know each day is a baby step of progress. I’m not supposed to have reached my full potential yet, so I need to allow myself to sit back and enjoy the ride (at least the parts that are enjoyable I guess).

* photo found on Pinterest , I am neither the owner nor creator

I have $10 to my name, and so much on my mind that I physically feel as though I need to puke. 

I have friends surrounding me who already have jobs or sent their grad school applications in and I’m stressed about whether or not I have enough food to make it to payday on Thursday. 

I would love to get started on my future immediately after undergrad but I can’t, because there’s one thing that continuously seems to be in my way : money.  At 21, I’m not supposed to be independent but my family thinks otherwise. 

I’m stressed beyond belief, it’s probably even a little irrational how stressed I am, and I don’t know what to do about it. I wholeheartedly feel like giving up. Sometimes it seems like there’s no point in trying to make the most out of my life when it involves so many barriers. Sometimes it seems like the easy ways out of things are the better options. 

I just don’t know what to do anymore. 

Haz lo que te da la gana 

So, when most Latino parents tell you this it’s a lie/ challenge, don’t do it. 

Oh wait, I should translate. “Haz lo que te da la gana” means in essence “Do what makes you happy”. 

I don’t think my mom has ever once said this to me and actually meant it. It’s literally always been a threat haha. (Not a really severe threat, just the kind that makes you rethink doing something stupid) 

Twenty one years into my life and I have decided to actually live by this phrase. Doing what makes you happy is like one of the most important things in life. Like, you could die tomorrow, wouldn’t you wanna die knowing you were happy today? 

It’s really morbid to think about things in this way but it’s just the truth of the matter. I know that people are always going to have something to say about my life decisions and how I choose to live my life, but my happiness has nothing to do with them. 

Starting tonight, I’m going to take more time to do things that make me happy. I am going to do whatever makes me feel good and try not to worry about what the world thinks of me. 

It might be risky, it’s for sure going to be messy sometimes,but that is he fun of life. Even getting hurt is a part of life (one that I feel all too familiar with but hey what can ya do?) I just wanna take life on as it comes at me. I wanna have a happy day every day. So here goes nothing. 

A Change Is Gonna Come

Im currently laying in bed really wanting to scream and kick something. 

Ever been really mad at someone, but also really mad at yourself because you should’ve seen whatever they did/said to piss you off from a mile away? 

Yupp, that’s me right now. I would say I hate myself, but I’m not quite there yet. I love who I am, I just don’t love how I seem to get myself into a never ending vortex of dealing with people who don’t actually give a fuck about me. 

Like everything else in my life, it probably stems from parental issues. It’s probably hard to properly identify when people actually care about you if your whole life has been spent trying to figure that out about your whole family. 

I don’t want this post to be some pathetic sob story though. While I do feel pretty pathetic, I’m also fully aware that getting to this point was not all my fault. 

While I do feel pathetic, I know I can overcome this. Change is coming y’all, pretty soon I won’t even sound like myself anymore. I’m just going to do things so differently no one is going to remember who the old me even was. 

This feeling sorry for myself, hating myself, thinking there’s something fundamentally wrong with me bullshit is gonna stop. 

Look out world cause the “hell” half of this goddess is coming through. 

Guess who’s back

Back again… *cue tune to Eminem’s “Without Me”* 

I’m back and I’m better *like Bryson Tiller* 

Okay I’ll chill with the song references, I’m sorry. 

I’m back, back from where? Well I have been kind of MIA, but that’s not what I meant. 

I’m back as in, me with purple hair is back. That’s right y’all, purple hair. I have purple nails too, both quite fitting for October because it’s Domestic Violence Awareness Month. That’s not why I dyed my hair purple though. 

I dyed it because I needed something new and fresh to match my mood (and the blonde that I was rockin was too basic, it was killing me). Why did I need something new? Well, the answer to that is simple: my happiness. 

Lately, despite all the bad things life has thrown my way, I’ve been pretty happy. I’m really making it a point to enjoy what matters and live in the present. Stressing over finances has been especially keeping me down, but I’m trying to quite literally take one day at a time when it comes to those. In the end, I think I can say with a little confidence that my parents will have my back if I need, but we’ll see. 

Anyway, back to my happiness. I already sorta discussed it in my last post (at least I think I did). I’m really just trying to move on from a lot in my life and changing up my hair is an outward expression of me doing such. I feel like a whole new person, not just because my hair is different but because I think I’m like glowing inside and out? 

I love myself. I truly do. I don’t look in the mirror and see flaws anymore, and I’ve quit letting other people point out flaws/make me feel like I have them. So many of the people who have made me feel the worst about myself are the very people I would’ve sworn loved and cared for me. 

Over the past few weeks I’ve had the most extreme wake up call that this wasn’t in fact true. People who love and care for you respect you, they treat you as an equal, they actually show you and communicate their feelings. 

It’s all good now though, I hold no hard feelings against anyone, I’m just pushing forward. So, catch me as the purple haired girl doing big things 👌🏽