Me Voy

de la casa y vendo el anillo, ya no te soporto, punto y final!

Jk.. those are just some Aventura lyrics I scream at the top of my lungs every time the song comes on as though someone has actually broken my heart, even though no one has ever gotten close enough to me to truly break my heart *shrugs*

Pero like, si, me voy. I’m leavin, never to come back again, tellin my boy I found someone who does it better than he can (s/o Jesse McCartney).

Forreal tho, me voy. I’m not leaving anyone, except maybe myself. I refuse to step into 2018 feeling as though I have not progressed enough over this past year. Each year I take huge strides, and I really do fall in love with myself more and more, but I’m kicking it up a notch this year.

This last month of the year shall be completely devoted to my self-care and future. So I’m taking a break from a lot, I’m going to leave a lot behind in 2017 and I’m gonna be just fine doing so.

Do you ever?

Do you ever get caught up wondering if the things you care about should be the things you care about?

I feel like that is the constant struggle of being “woke” and stuff. I’m forever questioning whether or not the things I think are important are really important.

Like I will never confidently say I know how life is supposed to be, because I don’t. I don’t know what is right or wrong. I don’t know what will set up my life to turn out how I want it to. I don’t even fully know how I want my life to turn out.

That is why I try to stay away from giving people advice, I try to stay away from speaking on things until I feel like I have a decent amount of the facts surrounding them.

I have opinions, some strong ones, just like any other person. But, I try to be as rational as possible about my opinions. For the most part, I attempt to see all sides of the situation.

I feel like I wish more people would assess all sides to a situation. Nothing kills me more than people admonishing each other before everyone can asses a situation.

I mean, I know it’s trippy to think that no one in this world actually knows the right answers to anything, but given that, shouldn’t we make more of an effort to understand each other?

Doing the damn thing.

3..2..1.. Here we go.

I’ve officially started the adulting process. What does that mean?

This badass is taking the steps she has to to take the next baby step towards her ideal future.

What exactly do I want to do when I grow up? Well that answer is super complicated. I know exactly what I wanna do in life I just don’t know that I can put it in to words enough yet.

Guess I should start trying though since I’ve got personal statements to start writing anyway *shrugs*.

Essentially, my dream job would be to have a consulting firm sort of thing. With that firm my goal would be to change policy and educate Latinos/ other marginalized peoples so that they can have a fighting chance against the system.

Personally, it’s taken a lot to get where I am, but that’s not the only thing that motivates me. What motivates me is the fact that I am privileged. Wait what?

Yeah, I am privileged in several ways in comparison to most young Latina women in this country. I am privileged in comparison to a lot of people. I can acknowledge my privilege even through all of my struggle, and I wanna use what privilege I do have to make the world a better place.

I want to inspire people. I want to help people believe that they can do whatever they set their minds to, genuinely. Not only do I wanna help them believe it, I wanna help them do it. I want my struggle to lessen someone else’s struggle.

My life would be complete if i could at least change one person’s life for the better, ya know?

So I’m kicking my ass into gear, it’s time to do the damn thing.

Good from Bad?

Yesterday a beautiful sister of mine wrote me that she had read my post and that she loved me and it was honestly the most heart warming thing. It’s strange because I really don’t expect that anybody actually reads this blog. That’s why I write from the heart with no regret.

It’s nice to see that people do actually read it, and not just any people, but some of my friends. This post already sounds a lot more optimistic than yesterday’s right?

That’s the thing about bad days, they are days, and you can push through to have more good days than bad ones.

I’m still really stressed and have a lot on my mind/ plater, but I have decided to try to channel that stress into other things. I know I should be careful about essentially ignoring my stress to keep life moving, but it’s literally the only way I know how to function.

(haha am I even functioning? who knows?)

Before I continue, I just want to let it be known (if I haven’t done so enough already), that I do not write these posts for attention. I write these posts to get my thoughts out and relieve some of my anxiousness. I write these posts so that if someone who can relate to them reads them, they understand that they are not alone.

Alone. It’s literally all I’ve really ever been in life. On the good days, I like to spin it into “independent” because it sounds nicer. Am I an independent person? Absolutely. Is that always entirely by choice? Hell naw.

I’m like the poster child to represent all children who have been lost in the mix as a result of divorce. That’s really what it boils down to. My parents absolutely needed to get divorced, and I by no means hate them for it, but it happens to be the source of a lot of my problems.

It’s okay though. Just like every other day of the past 12-13 years of my life, this “independent” child is gonna do whatever she has to to make sure she’s good.

I read this thing the other day online that I felt was a perfect description of me, it reminded me of just who I am and who I am gonna be it read:

” She’s got those warrior goddess, gypsy soul, magical witch bitch type of vibes- unknown”

So that is what I leave you with today, and remember, good can come from the bad.

What’s that quote about how having expectations can suck?

I have this thing, where I like struggle to believe anybody cares for me. Most of the time, I can keep it in check and don’t go crazy trying to make sure someone cares about me, but sometimes I lose it. Sometimes all I want is for the people I care about to express that they care about me in the same way I express how I care about them.

The problem is, I’ve become really good at expressing my feelings for people because people aren’t very good at expressing their feelings for me. The worst part of it is that my very own family members are the biggest culprits of making me feel like I am not cared for.

I got home yesterday for Thanksgiving break and the fridge is empty, my room was a mess, I still don’t have a real bed and I have yet to see my family members. I would love to tell you I am used to it and it doesn’t bother me, but no one ever gets used to feeling unwanted. I’m not a spoiled brat, I don’t ask for a lot, I just want some sort of love and appreciation.

Unfortunately, this is something I carry into my other relationships in life. It is why I am extremely grateful for the few people in my life who let me lose my shit every once in a while, but still stick around. It’s why I’m very protective of my few close relationships.

Sometimes, it gets me into trouble because I tend to really see the good in people. I also tend to take the smallest things and recognize them as bigger than they are, just because they are better than nothing.

It’s really twisted in all honesty. I can never seem to find the balance between appreciating the little things, and demanding more because I deserve it. I am well aware that I am a gem and people are blessed to have me for  a friend etc (in the least cocky way possible). I know I am a queen and I deserve a lot, but I also try to remain reasonable about what I expect out of people. Being reasonable is just hard, because I expect so little from people nowadays.

It’s not that I don’t feel I deserve more, it’s that every interaction/relationship in my life has shown me that I can’t expect a lot. In essence, people suck, and sometimes its the closest people to you who suck more than anyone else.

Nothing kills me more than people who act as though they’re perfect. Do I think I’m pretty great? Absolutely. Do I think I was made flawlessly in terms of my appearance? You bet your ass I do. Everybody should. 

In my opinion, that is where the whole “I’m perfect” thing should end. People have a bad habit of forgetting that everything they now know in life was once unknown to them. 

It’s important to humble yourself and recognize that you once didn’t know all the hints you know now. You also have a ton of learning to do, we all do. So to all the people who think they have the right to come for everyone else, but not assess their own behavior, please sit down. 

-Sincerely, 

Everyone who is tired of your crap. 
P.S. life is more fun when you can acknowledge that you’re flawed and surround yourself with people who make up for those “flaws”. 

Nothing kills me more than people who act as though they’re perfect. Do I think I’m pretty great? Absolutely. Do I think I was made flawlessly in terms of my appearance? You bet your ass I do. Everybody should. 

In my opinion, that is where the whole “I’m perfect” thing should end. People have a bad habit of forgetting that everything they now know in life was once unknown to them. 

It’s important to humble yourself and recognize that you once didn’t know all the hints you know now. You also have a ton of learning to do, we all do. So to all the people who think they have the right to come for everyone else, but not assess their own behavior, please sit down. 

-Sincerely, 

Everyone who is tired of your crap. 
P.S. life is more fun when you can acknowledge that you’re flawed and surround yourself with people who make up for those “flaws”.