2017: The year a goddess was born

Not much has physically changed between the first selfie of this year and the last ( RIP nose and septum rings ), but because 2017 was a year devoted to self love, there has been a lot of change within and I’m genuinely happy.

That is the caption to my Instagram post featuring these two pictures:

I was born 21 years ago, but 2017 was the year I truly started to appreciate the goddess within me. If this is the first post you’ve read on this blog, I promise I’m not loca or anything. I just believe that we all have a god/goddess within us.

Ya know how we refer to people as kings and queens and stuff? Like, my best friend is a queen in every sense of the word, but I don’t obey her orders or anything (lmao could you imagine?). I consider myself a goddess, but not in the sense that anyone needs to worship me.

Now that that is clarified, I’ll tell you a little bit about how 2017 is the year in which the goddess within me really started to thrive. Firstly, this year was a year of unapologetic self-love. I really tried to focus on all the things I loved about myself already a lot more than on the things I perceived to be my flaws.

Instead of working to fix my flaws, I worked to not see them as flaws anymore. Of course, I’ll probably never think I’m perfect, and working to change how you see your “flaws” is a lot harder than it sounds. Self-love isn’t always easy, but it’s always worth it.

These efforts toward the ultimate self-love allowed my confidence to blossom. If ya take a look at my Instagram profile, you can tell that I’m quite confident. (Sometimes I be feeling myself too much but I’m not gonna apologize for that because it’s almost 2018 and we don’t do apologies anymore.) I’m not just confident in my physical appearance, I’m more confident in every aspect of my life.

In fact, everything I do,I do with confidence now. It’s honestly the best way to live life to be more confident in what you believe in etc. People have always told me I have a really good “I don’t give a fuck” attitude, and this year I really used that bad boy a lot. Obviously there are some things in life we should give a lot of fucks about, but life is too short to stress too much. Life is also too short to not say what you mean and mean what you say.

Every facet of who I am, the optimist, the over thinker, the raging Latina, the badass, the lover, all of every hint I am, has grown in some way this year. And guess what?

I’m happy. I’m genuinely happy. I’ve had some sad times and bad times this year, but through it all I’m happy. It’s been along time since I’ve been able to look back on a year in its entirety and truly say that.

This year I learned that the only person who should influence my happiness is my damn self. So here’s to 2018, a year of continued happiness, growth, glo-ups etc. The year the goddess within me truly gets to know her own strength.

A Woman’s Worth

If you haven’t heard the song by Alicia Keys by the same title as this post, I advise you to check it out. Some of the concepts as to gender roles in a relationship are a little too traditional for me, but the whole essence of the song is amazing.

The other day I read on Instagram somewhere “Never confuse what you’re offered with what you’re worth” and goddamn did it hit me right in the feels.

I’ve been sort of putting off this topic because it’s a weak spot for me, but with the new year approaching, I figured I’d stop being a baby.

2017 was the year I learned my worth. It was also the year I questioned my worth more than ever before. I’ve always thought of myself as pretty alright of a person, I think I’m worth my weight in gold, but for whatever reason sometimes I feel like I’m not.

And of course, by “whatever reason” I mean all the reasons people give me to doubt myself.

What bugs me is the biggest self-doubt I experience is that which is related to my relations with men (boys I should say, because none of them are mature enough to be considered men).

Anyway, yeah, I get really annoyed that women often define their worth based on how men treat them. The fact that people define their worth based on other people is annoying in and of itself, but yeah. I really hate that sometimes I am a girl straight out of a rom-com who doesn’t think she’s good enough for anyone because one boy didn’t know her true worth.

It’s hard out here man. Not only do I overthink and misjudge boys’ actions to be representative of my worth, but I let my girl friend’s get to me too.

I don’t do anything in a “traditional” way. I’ve only ever been in one real relationship which I don’t even consider super real cause we were not mature enough to have a real adult relationship. Other than that, I operate very privately and on my own accord in the love department.

Not one person ever truly knows the deal with my romantic ventures, not even my best friends, but for whatever reason people still feel the need to place expectations on my situations for me. I hate that shit. To some degree I hate the concept of having a bunch of expectations because I would hate it if I found out a guy was only into me because I met a checklist of requirements.

So like, yeah, sometimes advice from friends is helpful, but other times it can be harmful. I find myself feeling bad because I do things differently then some of my friends, but then I remember that I could never and would never want to handle things the way they do.

So yeah, I don’t know if any of that made sense, but literally nothing about romantic involvements makes sense anyway *shrugs*.

Throughout 2017 I found myself basically asking a few people what I was worth to them, and even though I never got the answers I was like looking for, I’m glad I did it.

I’m a super blunt person about my feelings because I don’t get the point of hiding them shits. So people tend to know how much I care about them etc. Unfortunately, boys are stupid and don’t understand how much better life would be if they were just better at expressing themselves. (It’s totally society’s fault, but come on dudes, get it together.)

I am also a person who sometimes requires reassurance in order to properly function about her business. Im working on it, I swear.

I’m still working on reminding myself of my worth whenever I start to question it. A few of my close guy friends have helped by basically reassuring me that I’m amazing and guys are too stupid to see it/acknowledge it/ not be intimidated by it. (Aren’t friends just the greatest hype men ever?)

In this new year, I plan to assert my worth more than ever before. I plan to not settle for anything less than what I deserve and show the world that this Latina goddess in the making is worth more than what the world could offer.

Súper emocionada

My first book that I purchased for my future Latinx bookstore/library came in today.

That means I’ll be reading it and avoiding all of my other responsibilities all day.

JK, I’ve got too much shit to do to avoid all my responsibilities, but I will definitely set aside some time to start reading.

Now, it’s not the first Latinx book I’ve ever read or owned, but it’s the first one I’ve obtained since the universe told me to start this thing. I’m súper emocionada because I really plan to live out my dreams however they come, and this feels like a good start.

I already have a wishlist of books on Amazon and have been on the look out for more. I want books written by Latinx authors, about Latinx characters and simply books that are about Latin America. I’m just really excited to learn more about my people, but also to get lost in a new novel every once in a while.

My plan right now is to just keep compiling a list of books I want to read, purchasing them, reading them and then sort of figure things out when I’ve got a good collection going.

I’d love to do book-swap type things, maybe even book clubs, but for now, it’ll just be me and the books.

Feel free to comment with any book suggestions you might have, and thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings about a project that isn’t even a fetus yet 🙂

Dear Everyone,

Everyone who knew me when I didn’t know myself, that is.

As the best year of my life on record comes to an end, there’s a few things I wanna say to you.

First off, for those of you who have stuck around this entire time, holy shit you’re amazing. For those of you who once left my life and have since come back, I missed you, and I’m glad you’re here now. For those of you who left or were cut out of my life, thank you for being by me during whatever season of my life you were by me for.

This year, I learned who I am. I found myself, and all of that is thanks to all of you in some way shape or form. Those of you who destroyed my confidence, who broke my heart, who hurt me in ways I couldn’t have imagined, I am grateful to have come across you so early in my life. Those of you who have done such things and are genuinely sorry, your apology is accepted and I forgive you. To all those who have doubted me, or tried to get me to be someone I am not…

GUESS WHO IS A BADASS GODDESS OF A BITCH NOW.

Lol sorry, that was bratty.

Honestly though, even though this at times was the hardest year of my life, it has also been the best. I’ve grown so much and I am so ready for all the growth 2018 is going to bring. I’m ready for all the new people who will be brought into my life next year. I’m also ready to leave some people in 2017.

In fact, I am ready to leave all negativity in 2017. 2018 is the year of me. I’M GRADUATING IN FIVE MONTHS, and I can’t believe it. Hopefully I’ll start school again in the fall, but if I don’t, I’m ready for what the universe brings me.

I was going to say “I refuse to accept or bring any negativity into the new year”, but hat sounds harsh and negative in and of itself.

2018 is the year of me chilling the fuck out and going with the flow.

So, thank you everyone for a fantastic 2017. When you see me and I’m glowing in 2018, just know that it’s because my goddess vibes are radiating from me 🙂

T.V. + Bedroom, yay or nay?

I grew up without a T.V. in my room. Apparently I missed the memo that everybody could actually afford that. People my age are always shocked that I don’t have one,and always sorta feel bad for me. I don’t feel bad though.

I don’t know if my parents really could have afforded it and just told us they couldn’t, but either way, I’m grateful.

My bedroom is a zen space, I even try to avoid doing work that stresses me out too much in it. My room is my serenity, as corny as it sounds.

As an introvert, it has played a key role of being my safe space away from the world. It is where I come to decompress after having been around people for too long. It is the one place on this planet I can genuinely be myself 100% of the time and not ever be made to feel like a weirdo.

I’m 21 years old and blasting my music and dancing in front of my mirror is still one of my favorite things to do. I’ve written about the power music has over me a couple times, because it really just transforms everything. A bad day can always be made better with a jam sesh.

I also like to do a bunch of other things in my room. I work out, read, do puzzles, and get pretty for no reason sometimes. (My hair literally always turns out perfect when I don’t actually have anywhere to be, go figure.)

I feel like if I had grown up with a television in my room, I probably would not have tried a lot of the things I’ve tried to entertain myself over the years. I’m not the most creative person, but I absolutely feel like I’d be less creative if I had spent hours on end in front of the T.V. as a child.

Even now, and presumably I’ll feel the same way in the future, I love not having a television in my room. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so consumed by other technology of the day too. I’m typing this post on my phone, because I prefer it to my computer sometimes. I hate my phone, however.

I hate the pressure to constantly feel connected. I feel like it rules my life too much. I live for the days I can shut it off, but I also get really stressed out about missing stuff. So, some days, like today, I shut it off for a few hours at a time.

This allows me to be free of the damn thing and be productive, but also stay informed by checking it a couple times.

So yeah, I grew up without a television in my bedroom, and I turned out just fine. I’m not going to necessarily say I turned out better than anybody else, but I will say that me without a T.V. in my room, for sure turned out better than me with one would have. *shrugs*

What are some things you couldn’t imagine having or not having in your bedroom?

Paso a Paso

Hoy, estoy tratando de vivir en una manera diferente. Estoy tratando de vivir paso a paso. Ayer, tuve un mal día. Estaba ansiosa, muy ansiosa. Hoy, pienso que es mejor tratar de tomar cosas día a día.

It’s a really big switch up from yesterday, I know. I’m up and down, I’m all around, it’s a lot.

For those who don’t understand Spanish, basically, I’ve decided to actually try taking things day by day now. Yesterday was really rough, but thankfully my dad was able to give me some perspective.

Even though I sometimes hate my parents for basically forcing me to be an independent person, I am grateful for it. It’s hard having bills to pay and things to take care of with a a small bi-weekly paycheck and five classes to focus on. Add my anxiety into all that, and it’s just wonderful.

I could have life much worse though, I could have absolutely nobody, and no education etc. On my toughest days, I try to remind myself that I don’t have it as bad as it feels like.

I could also have it worse in that I could be a spoiled brat.

How is that worse?

I am going to be proud to (one day soon) be able to take care of my own damn self. Although it’s really hard to envision it now, I know it is  going to be the greatest feeling in the world. I also know that it’s going to make my parents really proud for once. Although it sounds fun to not worry or have real responsibilities, I would hate being tied to my parents forever. I would hate not being able to say I got to where I’ll get to in life mostly on my own.

When the day comes, my dad is going to brag about the fact that he no longer has to support me in any way more than he’s ever bragged about any of my accomplishments.

This independence is going to require small steps though. I have already taken a lot of great steps towards it in my 21 years of existence, and I need to remember that. It’s good to remind yourself of your successes every once in a while.

I don’t need to rush anything, so this “day by day” stuff is something I really gotta try sticking to. Right now, I am killing it at life. I am not perfect, lmao, I am definitely not perfect by any means, but I’m doing okay at this thing called life.

I don’t have to have everything figured out yet, and I finally feel like my dad agrees with me on that.  If ya didn’t know, I consider him one of my best friends. We fight like hell, but love hard too. He’s always told me to take things day by day, but I don’t think he really knew how badly I needed to until recently.

So here I am, actually following his advice. Step by step, I’ll become the badass goddess I’m meant to be.

Fun fact…

I cry a lot.

It’s true, I do. I really do cry a lot. Like literally almost anything, but that’s not actually what this post is going to be about.

Well actually, let’s talk about a specific cry of mine: the anxiety riddled cry.

So yeah, I’m an anxious person. If you’ve read some of my previous posts you probably already knew this.

When I say I’m an anxious person, I mean both that I am antsy day to day and that I occasionally have anxiety attacks.

Family Christmas was almost interrupted by my anxiety this year, but thankfully my brain and body were able to distract themselves enough that it didn’t happen.

At various points throughout the day while sitting around with family members, I contemplated getting up and running to the car to let my anxiety run its course in peace.

Anxiety is something that sometimes has a clear source or trigger, and sometimes doesn’t. I can’t really pinpoint one particular cause of today’s events, which actually frustrates me. It’s really bad because I know it shouldn’t, but it does. I’m truly an over-thinker in the worst way.

Sometimes my anxiety presents itself in the form of an increased heart rate and a struggle with breathing. Today, I had an overwhelming urge to cry. I just wanted to sob, like if anyone at any given moment hugged me or touched me in any way, I would have just freaked out. I didn’t want to sob because I was sad, I would not have like “broken down”. I legitimately would have freaked out. I know that’s not the most politically correct way to put things, but it’s the only way that makes sense to me right now.

Like, I would’ve lost it. I would’ve sobbed but also maybe screamed and been pissed. I was not okay today. All I can say for sure is I didn’t feel safe. I in no way felt like anyone was going to do me harm, I just didn’t feel safe mentally. Like so many things were going through my head, and not feeling comfortable enough or able to express them really got to me. Feeling safe and sure and secure are a big deal for me. (Classic case of daddy/mommy issues haha)

It was a rough day, but I’m okay. Writing it down actually helps. Writing these posts, and writing in my personal journal both help because it leaves open the possibility that someone, somewhere, someday will read it and relate. The family I was around today, for the most part, can’t relate to me in many ways. That’s why I felt so unsafe, but I’m good now.

Sorry to keep you reading so long and for being so deceiving with the title of this post. I guess I kinda just want it to serve as a reminder that it’s okay not to be okay sometimes.