To my mind, a goddess would be perfectly imperfect.
That sounds super cliche and I don’t wanna admit that in high school I wanted those two words tattooed on my back in Spanish, but it’s true.
Yesterday wasn’t the hottest day of my existence. I was fatigued as a mofo and everything was just off. It was like one of those days that reminds you of how human you are. Like you do something embarrassing or make a mistake you’d never wanna admit to anyone.
I’ve always sort of struggled with perfectionism. In a way, that makes it sound like an illness, but I’m inclined to say it sorta kinda is one. Like I would rather go to great lengths to keep up the appearance that I don’t make mistakes than ask for help.
Over time, I’ve gotten better about not being so hard on myself. Sometimes it’s not even about being hard on myself, it’s about wanting to prove that I can handle shit on my own. I’ve been expected to handle a lot of stuff on my own ever since I can remember, and people have for whatever reason proven to be unreliable time and time again in my life, so it’s always been easier to suck it up and do everything myself.
It’s definitely not a way I would advise people to live their lives (if anyone actually ever cared for my opinion haha). It’s okay to make mistakes, it’s important to learn from them. Our teachers teach us this when we’re younger, but eventually our society puts so much pressure on us to do better and be the best that we forget this. At least, I forgot for a while.
Now I try to let myself be okay with my flaws and mistakes. I’m not to the level of necessarily “celebrating” them as some people would say yet, but I’m definitely not ruminating in them as much anymore. I also like to celebrate my wins, no matter how small they might seem.
Last night I cried tears of joy because I got my test scores back from the GRE and I basically crushed the analytical writing portion. Now, I’m not even sure how much weight schools put on that portion, but to know that I did better than a big portion of the population who takes the test has me riding this wave of joy right now. I’m not one to brag, but it is something I am really proud of.
I’ll admit I didn’t do too hot on the quantitative portion of the test, math on standardized tests has always been a weak point. While old me probably would be stuck on that, wondering how I could’ve done better, current me is chillen. I’ve done something a lot of young people like me don’t ever even get the opportunity to do, with my weak areas and all.
So like, I feel like the goddess within me is really thriving, flaws and all