Spring Cleaning

It’s been spring for a minute, guess what that means?

CLEANING

JK I’m Latina every season is cleaning season. (Again, perpetuating a stereotype,but I’m high key glad I’m not a slob like some people)

Lately I’ve been thinking really hard about what I want out of life and what I am going to do with it. In know I’m going to grad school, but there’s so much to figure out. So much more to figure out now that I am for sure getting my degree in Latin American Studies.

Like holy cow what does one do when she wants to solve all the world’s problems?

Last night I watched Residente’s documentary about the making of his latest album (released last year), and was beyond inspired. He is truly just freakin astounding. He speaks up for people who aren’t heard, he creates music that has purpose and is magical, like everything about this dude is amazing.

Here I am worried about an evolution exam, stupid boys, and stupid girls. When in reality, I was put on this earth to accomplish so much and now is the time to get going. No more excuses or doubts, your girl is going after everything she wants.

Which is why, I’ve decided to do all sorts of cleaning. Just one big ole spring cleanse sorta deal. I started with my social media, and the rest of my phone. Music, notes, voicemails, photos, anything you can think of to go through and delete, I did it. I have to go through my computer and then of course my closet etc. I’ve been studying for an exam and deleting stuff during the little breaks I take, it’s surprisingly therapeutic.

I’m not deleting or cleaning to forget, although there are some parts of my life I’d gladly forget. I’m doing this to take a step forward. I don’t want to give too much away about all the ideas running through my head, but I will say that one day “blogger” will be one of my job titles (gonna have like five obviously because yay student loans).

I wanna use my writing and everything else I have to offer to make the world a better place. So I no longer have time or energy for a lot of the things that were unnecessarily taking up my time or thought space before.

Not to be dramatic (even though I totally always am just a little bit), but I’m gonna be a whole new person. Right after I survive this exam *insert upside down smiley face*.

Time to bump Eminem’s Cleanin Out My Closet while trying to memorize names like Ardipithecus and Australopithecus.

HONEY

I’M HOME

I live legit an hour from my university (unless you’re me, my dad, or my brother because we’re not super tight buddies with the speed limit), but holy moly does it feel great to leave cowtown and come home.

I crash on the couch these days, and nothing about this house besides from the structure is really the same as when I was little, but that doesn’t matter because IT’S MINE. Well really, it’s my moms but still.

This is the place where I can sing at the top of my lungs and dance around without anyone caring. I’m so happy to be here, and that’s not just cause I won’t have to cook all of my meals haha.

Life has been hectic lately, mostly the good kind of hectic, but still hectic. So hectic that I kept forgetting it was Easter weekend.

This, of course, doesn’t nearly mean the same thing it did when I was little. To be perfectly honest, it’s kind of depressing thinking about how holidays change when you grow older. If I ever have kids I’m going to prevent this from happening for as long as I can. Holidays are magical, they bring the family together, they allow us to fill our bellies with great food, and they’re an excuse to act like a kid again. Well, they were.

Nothing feels the same anymore. To be fair, nothing in my life has ever been super consistent, besides the fact that on holidays it felt like I was choosing one family over the other or didn’t really have a family at all. My parent’s divorce was the right thing, and changed my life for the better in so many ways, but it also fundamentally screwed it up.

I feel lonely like all the time. I also love being alone, I’m a walking conundrum. But, it’s true, my life is a continuous series of not really being sure where I belong. That’s why I am the way I am when it comes to a lot of things. (Sorry to anyone who has been at the other end of my emotional rants, tirades, venting sessions etc.)

But when I’m home, I can fight the loneliness a little. It’s the one place where even if I do start to feel a little sad about life, I can instantly bounce back. Being here is just what I need after this horrid week.

Be Careful

Cardi B has once again given me life.

Last night was a movie, one of those ones that’s like really good and really bad at the same time.

Don’t worry, I didn’t do anything crazy and I am actually on my way to class today, but last night was the most fun I’ve had in a while. This week was just shit, so last night was my chance to release it all before having to sacrifice myself to the study gods once again.

I say Cardi B has given me life because last night she released a song that is for sure a bop, and makes me think about a lot of things. It has me feeling a little bit better about the bad parts of last night.. aka drunk texting lol.

Honestly, I shouldn’t be super dramatic about things but I am, it hurts.  I perpetuate every stereotype under the sun and chalk it up to me being Latina. (that’s bad, I know)

I just realized that even now, I’m going to sort of recap my night, but there wasn’t actually anything too crazy about it. The crazy part is me. I hate using the word crazy because it’s super insensitive and has a negative connotation, especially for those of us who struggle  with some mental health things, but it’s the only word I can use to explain myself right now.

The night was literally such a good time, so good that I’m shook. I let loose, didn’t get sick, didn’t fight, didn’t do anything to really embarrass myself publicly, which is always a win. The night ended the same way my nights out always end now, that’s the crazy part. For whatever reason I’ve gotten into the habit of both drunk and sober texting certain people at the end of a night out.

Generally I’m just very sassy about how I wish they treated me better. Yeah, I think that sums it up pretty well. But, I know that me being the emotional nincompoop I am is the reason no one takes me seriously or sticks around. Fun times. There’s this one particular person I can’t shake, but at the same token, he hasn’t made me shake him. Idk it just doesn’t feel super cool to do this all the time, so I think I really need to drop it.

But back to Cardi,  the song is called Be Careful, and basically she warns her manz to be careful with her heart and about not treating her right etc. I think the song can be applied to my life in that people should really be careful with me lol. Dealing with me is a lot, I barely like dealing with me lol.

Hashtag Blessed

Today has been long and hard, I’m exhausted on so many levels, but still, I’m blessed.

I have people who love me. I really do.

You don’t always notice how lucky you are while living through the hustle and bustle of each day, but holy moly. When you stop and think about it, there’s so much to be grateful for, there are so many people to be grateful for.

I have friends who listen to me ramble on the regular, who don’t judge me for crying at everything, who FaceTime me while they’re peeing or while I’m in the shower. I have people who genuinely miss me when they haven’t seen me in a while, and people I see almost everyday, but greet me like it’s the first time they’ve seen me in forever. There are literally people who see me and say things like “omg my favorite person”. I am known as mom by many, and Tía to a couple really special people.

I mean, the president of one of our fraternities the other day that a lot of people know who I am, and even if they don’t like me, they respect me. I feel like my dad would be especially proud of that one.

I really try to put out into the world what I want from it, and it feels good to know that I am doing pretty okay with that.

I have friends who I’ve fallen out with, but who have returned to tell me that losing me as a friend sucked. I have sisters I swore who couldn’t stand me tell me that they admire my confidence and stuff. MY CONFIDENCE. I had ZERO of that for a really long time. I had zero of a lot for a really long time, and for a while I’ve felt like I didn’t really truly have anybody, but it turns out I do.

I honestly feel so blessed to be around so many amazing people all the time. I learn so much from my friends, and they help me to keep going. I think I can safely say I’ve found my people, and that feels amazing.

Shoutout to all the amazing gods and goddesses out there that make me feel so #blessed.

Be still.

My grandmother, my stepmom’s mom, didn’t like tattoos, but I’m strongly considering getting one that says “Be Still”.

My mom doesn’t like tattoos either, and will probably read this and freak out a little bit because 1) I want tattoos 2) when most people hear “Be Still” they think of Psalm 46:10.

The whole “Be still and know that I am God” phrase

It’s no secret that I was raised a church baby, and when I came of age to understand a lot of the messy things about church I dipped. I am for sure one of those people who with time and education has been left not knowing what to feel about religion.

I’m kind of one of those people… wait -actually, I am one of those people who thinks religion should be a personal experience. Who the hell am I to tell you anything about your religion if you’re not hurting one or epically ruining your life? Who the hell is anyone to tell anyone what to think or feel? Ya know?

So for me, yeah I absolutely jam out to gospel music when I need motivation or when I just wanna be in a good mood. I absolutely remember some scriptures and hold them dear to my heart, I literally would never have made it this far if I didn’t know “For God did not give us a spirit of fear but of love, power, and a sound mind”. Like legit, that’s gotten me through everything from nightmares to exams.

This post isn’t some religious ramble though, so let me get back to it.

Of course the tattoo (if I ever get it because 1. Tattoos cost money and yo no tengo money 2. I’m hella indecisive about placement 3. Tattoos hurt, duh), would represent and carry a lot of different meanings for me.

Right now, “Be Still” serves as a reminder that I don’t need to “do it all”. It’s what’s keeping me from constantly bawling my eyes out because my grandfather is sick and I’m terrified he won’t get to see me graduate. It’s helping me keep faith and choose joy over all else. ~hello religious context~It’s helping me to let go of the petty shit that doesn’t matter and focus on living my best life. It’s calming my nerves for the two exams I have coming up in the next few days.

Honestly, I can’t even really keep track of what I’m saying right now, my apologies.

I think the point is, you should live by and do whatever works to help you get through your tough days. For me, right now, what I need is to be still. I think if I were still more often my life would be even more positive than it has been lately.

Some people will hate me for this, but I think another mantra I’d like to add to this world is “Be still and know that you are a god/goddess”, and no matter what life throws at you, you will power through.

Sigo siendo yo

I speak better Spanish when upset.

No.. it’s true. Like it’s legit.

I’m currently coming down from the highest level of annoyance (with the help of the love of my life Marc Anthony).

The easiest way for me to tell my Little about what was annoying me so much was in Spanish.

I know, you’re shook. Yo también.

Es que, hay cosas que me sacan el español. Típicamente esas cosas son cosas felices, pero hoy estaba furiosa.

(It’s that some things just bring the Spanish out of me. Typically those things are happy things, but today I was furious)

To be honest I’m still coming down from it, like I said.

Sometimes I’m just too black and white about things, but to be perfectly honest, I don’t think that’s ever gonna change. After all, I am my father’s daughter.

Essentially, if you don’t respect me, if you don’t fuck with me, you better act like every part of me doesn’t exist. Don’t look to me for anything, not even something as simple as borrowing my fucking stapler. Like if I’m not worthy of respect or an apology, whatever the situation calls for then please act as though I don’t exist, which one thousand percent includes not using anything of mine.

Sounds silly, absolutely. But shouldn’t it be generally understood? I just can’t.

Through it all, I make very clear who I am to everyone. I own my mistakes when I make them and I try to be as rational of a human as possible. There are some basic (I feel like) things that rule how I interact with people and how I feel people should interact with me. If not, I don’t need them *shrugs*

And I’ll continue being me, like the title of this post says.

Lovin Life

No really, I am.

Do you ever just stop and think “man, I really love my life”?

I do, and not just on days when my dad comes up to take me out to lunch. Or just on days when a boy confirms he’ll be my date to formal. Haha.

Both of those things happened today, and a few others, like I got to see someone I haven’t seen in a long time, but those aren’t the sole reasons I love my life.

I’ve just been in an overall good mood lately, and I really feel like I’m figuring this weird thing called life out. (Fun fact: I definitely had a tumblr that was dedicated to “figuring out this thing called life” or something v dramatic like that)

Anyway, so yeah. Even though I’m just as broke and indebted as I was last week and facing most of the same problems, I feel good this week. I’m excited about life. I’m both terrified and so ready to be a graduate student. I’m just ready to do everything and be everything I’m meant to in life.

I’m considering getting a bit more serious with this blogging so look out for that. I don’t want fame or anything, but I do feel like I’ve taken baby steps to solidifying my “brand” as trendy people would say.

My biggest dream for this blog is that one day I can actually converse with whatever three souls on earth might actually read what I write. My mom reads it sometimes now which is cool, she actually seems to support it. (Awk because I don’t always have the nicest things to say about my parents but I’m 90% they’ve accepted my rawness)

Lately I guess I’ve just been feeling really accepted, like 21 years and I have finally arrived at the part of my life where people actually accept me. I often tend to think that people think the worst of me or don’t think of me at all but it’s not true. Over the past week I’ve been shown that I do impact lives in a variety of ways, so I guess I’m just hype to keep doing that.

Maybe I really am tapping into my goddess potential *insert emoji of disbelief*