I SURVIVED.

I can’t believe it.

I went to my last undergraduate class today.

Four exams are all I have left to conquer.

I survived.

College is hard y’all. It is. It’s like this thing we’re all expected to do, just like high school but holy shit is it hard.

Seeing as I was the type who used to get really scared about whether or not I was actually qualified and capable of moving from one grade to the next while I was younger, this is a huge deal.

I wanted to quit so many times. I felt incompetent and incapable on many days. I had many mental breakdown, I shed many tears, but I did it. I’m here.

I’d be crying now if I wasn’t binge watching a new show on Netflix (literally on episode 9 and I just started today). I’ll probably cry a lot over the next week.

I feel like I conquered the world and I wanna celebrate but my lame dad doesn’t wanna throw a party.

My Happy Place

My happy place isn’t necessarily a place, it’s wherever I am whenever I feel happiest.

It’s literally past two in the morning, I have class in nine hours, and I am up watching Mulan while writing this post.

I’m tired, but I feel amazing. I am officially done with all of my work besides having to study for exams. I knocked out everything I needed to prepare in order to lead my final Greek Life workshop tomorrow, and all feels right with the world.

I really can’t believe I’ve survived the past few weeks, let alone the past four years. I have been conversing with a friend a lot lately about how we have been struggling, but will come out on top, and I truly believe it now.

Mulan is my go-to feel-good movie, because she’s a freakin badass. She is everything I want to be, and the movie has some great bops in it.

I still have a thousand and one things going on in my head, and a ton of stuff to handle, but I feel like I can take on anything.

Writing has really gotten me through the past few weeks even though a lot of my posts have been on the debbie- downer side lately.

I feel lucky to have found several small pleasures in life that instantly make my life better. I have seen this movie a thousand times, and written hundreds of posts, but each time feels kinda like the first time.

I am really big on things that make me feel hopeful and that’s exactly what these things do. I can’t tell you exactly why Mulan makes me feel good, but I promise you that if you ever witness me cranky and wanna change it, putting on Mulan (or any other great Disney movie) will do the job.

If Disney doesn’t make you happy, I feel sad for you. If you’re not sure, I encourage you to watch any Disney movie that involves music, because those are my fave. If you have zero interest in that it’s cool.

I will strongly suggest that you find your happy place or places, and that once you do, you visit them as often as you can.

Can’t Wait

I cannot wait for this class that I am sitting in to be over.

I can’t wait for this week to be over.

I can’t wait to get back to working on everything I love after walking across that dang stage in 11 days.

There’s so much I wanna do that schoolwork prevents me from really doing. (Don’t tell anyone I haven’t done much of any schoolwork lately either.)

I’m currently exhausted because being a female is fun and PMS likes to strike me with extreme fatigue. I’m also just really ready for a fresh start.

A friend and I had a long talk today about how we hate people, and it made me feel so ready for life.

lol that sounds demented, but I promise it’s not.

We just talked about how we no longer have time or energy for people who can’t get their shit together. Reciprocity is really important in any relationship and nothing feels better than releasing a relationship in which your efforts are not reciprocated.

I know I’ve been talking about it a lot lately, but holy moly is it great to know other people feel the same way about life.

I just can’t wait to flourish in ways I never thought possible, so I’m gonna need school to stop killing my vibes.

Fragile, Never Broken

Well, maybe sometimes broken.

So, obviously lately the universe has been testing me, putting me through a bunch of shit.  BUT,  I cannot be broken.

I feel like there are people wishing right now that I was broken or that are expecting me to be broken, BUT GUESS WHAT

I AIN’T.

As I have gotten older, I really have gotten more of a handle on not letting things get to me in the same ways they used to. Sometimes I slip up and really let things break me, I’m not gonna lie. I have felt completely and utterly broken before.

I think the thing that has changed recently is that I am doing this whole “claiming and reclaiming” thing when it comes to my time and energy. I now believe that I am worthy of people’s time and energy, and if they do not give it to me in the same way I give them mine, they are dismissed.

It took a really frikkin long time for me to get my shit together and finally cut some people out, but I’m doing it. Though it sometimes is depressing, because I already don’t have many people as it is, I’m doing better at contextualizing everything in a positive way.

I’m better at contextualizing literally everything now, not just my relationships with people. I know what matters to me, I know that tomorrow is never promised etc. Like, I’m actually really proud of myself.

My new thing is, I might be fragile but never broken. You wanna know why? Because if I allow myself to be or feel broken, that is giving power to something or someone else over my life. Ya know?

Like if losing someone I thought was a friend makes me feel broken, then I’ve given them too much power over my life. I can’t be out here broken while they’re out here not giving a shit about me.

I am worthy of being given a shit about. I am in control of my life, no one else.

So yeah, I’m going to stick with this “fragile, not broken” thing, because I feel like it is a pretty solid representation of who I am and who I want to be. I’m a mess all the time, but I still power through, I’m still doing amazing things, ya know?

I really couldn’t tell you..

So it’s the last week of classes and my brain hurts now more than ever. I just gave up studying for psych because I just can’t right now.

I really couldn’t tell you why I declared psych as my primary major…

Well, I guess I could.

There’s the whole “it was my favorite class in high school” thing. It really was, I was pissed when I heard they got rid of it after we graduated. No one respect our damn psych teacher and she was the only one who did her job and prepped us for a college workload.

Anyway, some people crack jokes about how people go into psych because they wanna learn more about themselves.

I’m not sure that was really the case for me though, because I hate learning about shit that applies to me. Sure, it helps me cope with my own mental health struggles in a few ways, but holy moly I don’t like learning about myself.

Part of it is the fact that I hate being easily understood or figured out. (Makes no sense because I have a blog dedicated to writing about myself for the rest of the world and all I crave in life is a companion who accepts me for all I am) BUT.

Yeah it’s kinda creepy and annoying knowing that all of these psychosocialbiological factors have made me what I am. It’s like super frustrating at times, being reminded just how much isn’t under your control in life, and it’s also just uncomfy thinking someone could really analyze me and know basically everything about me.

While I fully recognize the importance of getting more Latinos to work in the field of psychology, that stuff just isn’t for me. Still love some of the subject, but I’m a loyal Anthropology girl now.

Although, part of me really wishes she was a nothing girl now cause holy moly was this Monday the hardest one of my entire college career. I couldn’t tell you why tho.

Oh wait, that’s right, it’s because my life is a JOKE.

Hi, my name is

Slim Shady.

JK.

My name is Victoria and I’m addicted to listening to music while overthinking my life.

Okay maybe not technically “addicted”, but it is one of my favorite things to do. Well, I don’t always love overthinking, but let me explain.

Today was Sunday, aka time for self-care.

To be quite honest, even though I wasn’t the most productive today, I didn’t partake in enough self care. Well, self care is productive so duh if I wasn’t productive I didn’t practice enough self care.

Realizing this about twenty minutes ago, I decided to take some time for myself (hence me writing). Occasionally, I do this thing in which I let myself jam and get lost in whatever music I am listening to. It’s like free writing, but for my brain as I bop.

I just let myself sing along, no matter how awful I sound. I let myself feel the music, whether it makes me cry or get up and dance. I space out, truly appreciating the music or lyrics or both.

I love getting lost in music, it really helps clear my head. Like, prior to his jam sesh I had a lot of insignificant shit on my mind, but jammin brought me back to reality.

Not everything is in my control, nor will everything ever be in my control. My now problems are mostly little shit that won’t be problems months or even weeks from now. I am not as alone in this world as I feel, because the artists behind these songs that I relate to have obviously been through experiences I relate to.

These are just a few of the grounding things that music frees my mind to remember.

I might be super duper hella stressed, but I’ve been super duper hella stressed before and guess what?

I’M STILL HERE.

I know you’re like “holy moly I didn’t even think of that”.

Well it’s true, many of my problems are “now problems”, much of my current stress or sadness will not have to be endured forever.

Hi, my name is Victoria, and I’m starting to feel a lot better about this thing called life.

It appears this week I am in desperate need of self care Sunday.

Es que, me siento muy extraña.

Im anxious as hell, but not the conscious type. Like, I can feel it in my entire body when I think about what’s up with me.

I’m writing this at a time that is ungodly, I should definitely be asleep, and I couldn’t tell you why I’m not.

So, on this self care Sunday I am really going to shut myself off to the world aside from my preset obligations.

I am going to truly take some time to decompress and also handle a lot of business.

I know I will be just fine, I just need to take care of myself today.

We should all take care of ourselves everyday, but we should especially set aside some time for it when things feel off.

I just need to get through the next two weeks and walk across that stage.