Under Construction

Hi y’all, it’s been a minute.

I know that the whole purpose of this blog is to document my various journeys, accomplishments, struggles, thoughts etc etc, but right now I’m sorta under some major construction so I’ve been M.I.A.

Honestly, I’m not even sure if I can say I’ve been under construction, it’s more like I’ve been demolished and trying to work my way back to construction.

Don’t worry, I’m okay, or at least I will be. I’m sure of it.

Life is just really weird right now, I guess you could say I’m having a sort of quarter-life crisis? I’m not sure, not even sure what the average lifespan is to determine if that’s at all accurate haha.

Point is, there’s a lot going on, most of which is inside my head and cannot be easily explained if at all.

I haven’t been motivated to do much of anything lately, but I figured the only way to change that is by taking baby steps.

So this post, the first one in a while, is a baby step. I don’t know what the exact fate of any aspect of my life is right now, but I do know this blog is here to stay, though it might undergo a few changes soon.

I really don’t think any of my rambling means anything to anyone, I doubt anyone will read this. I just needed to sorta publicly admit that I’ve been feeling sorta lost lately. I have faith that I won’t feel this way for too long, but for anyone who might relate, you’re definitely not alone.

Though feeling lost sucks, I know joy will come when I find myself/my way back to things or create new paths.

So please excuse the mess things might be for a while, there’s a goddess actively under construction.

Lately I’ve spent too much time in my own head, and you know what it took to make me realize that?

Another tragic mass shooting at a high school in Texas.

My heart hurts for everyone affected by senseless violence all over the world. This shit shouldn’t be happening, and everyone knows it, but the people who are most powerful refuse to act.

People shouldn’t be able to do easily be able to kill other people, whether it be at school, at work, at places of worship, in movie theaters, because of the color of their skin, or their gender identity, or sexual orientation, people shouldn’t be killing people.

Is it unrealistic to think that we could live in a world in which people don’t kill each other? Absolutely.

Is that an excuse to keep allowing so much killing to happen? Absolutely not.

It’s not that there is an optimal number of murders that should happen or anything like that. We should be putting in the work to make sure that instead of murder rates increasing, they decrease.

My heart hurts for the loved ones of everyone killed in Santa Fe today. Those students were ripped of the brightest futures.

I complain about my life entirely too much on this blog, but I also always try to see the positives in my life. The fact that it will now be commonplace for students to be grateful that they were not killed at school is crazy to me. Those students and their families won’t get to experience high school graduation, and yet here I was in some ways taking for granted the fact that I walked in my college graduation a few weeks ago.

I spent the past week in the worst of moods because of myself. I let my overthinking get the best of me, I wasted time worrying about meaningless things I won’t remember years from now, instead of using my brain power for good.

It’s really easy to get caught up in myself, but my life means nothing if I haven’t positively impacted the lives of other people.

My thoughts and prayers, but most of all my actions [will] go out to all those affected by today’s shooting and every other senseless murder or injustice that occurs because the people with power are not taking action.

I was raised to see the world as an evil place, but I refuse to be a bystander to its evil, it’s time for change.

Así es

I’m not going to lie, I’ve been struggling with what to write about a lot lately.

In a weird way, while I’ve finally recovered from my last year of undergrad, I don’t feel like myself. I don’t even really know who my self is, does anyone though? I’m not sure.

Today I finished reading this gem:

(I know, I’m shook I read it in Spanish too)

I highly recommend it, it’s a great book, even though it is a little depressing at times.

It really got me thinking. I’m probably over-thinking to be honest. But here goes nothing…

Actually, “Here Goes Nothing” is the title of my first post on this site. It happens to be insanely relevant right now.

See, my first post is an introductory post to this blog, actually, I think I’ll just copy and paste it here:

“So, I have had a blog for a little over six months now. It is all about me trying to reach my potential. I like to think of my potential as goddess potential, because I feel like every woman is a goddess.

Being the goddess that is within you is a lot easier said than done, which is why I started the blog to sort of motivate myself to do and be better. At first, I did not really care if anyone actually read it, I still don’t care about that too much. I do, however, like the thought of someone out there connecting to my story just a little bit.

So, I have decided to take my blog to a bigger and better platform. Here we are, I have not decided if I want to just transfer over all of my posts or not. Knowing myself, I probably will not do it if it cannot be done easily. I’m not normally the laziest person in the bunch, but six months worth of posts is a lot.

I do want to establish this blog as nicely as possible though. I want to convey what I really mean by wanting to reach my goddess potential and why this blog is so important to me in the proper way. So, if anyone ends up reading this, please stick around. There is more to come, and at the very least you’ll be entertained by how pathetic of a person I am haha.”

I think lately I’m off my game, I don’t think I’m living my best life like I strive to for this blog. I don’t think I’m really reaching my potential. I think there’s still a lot that I need to figure out.

I just feel like I don’t know what’s good or bad for me in life right now. Just really unsure, unsure of what? I’m not even sure.

Then again, is anyone sure of anything? I don’t think anyone knows, and that’s why some things probably shouldn’t be questioned or thought about as much as I question or think about them.

Sorta like I should just adopt an “it is what it is attitude” or like the world is telling me “así es”, and telling me not to question things so much, and go with the flow.

Somethin New

I have a confession to make…

I am writing this while listening to “The Start of Something New” from High School Musical because my phone doesn’t respect me when I put it on shuffle.

I know what you’re thinking, if it’s playing while my phone is on shuffle I must own it *pondering emoji*.

I will confess, as I’m sure I have before, that I do have some of the HSM 1 & 2 soundtracks on my phone along with a few other Disney bops. If you’re a new reader, Hi, I may or may not have a Disney obsession. Mulan may or may not be my go-to movie when I’m in a bad mood.

Anyway, it’s fitting that I’ve digressed from how I was originally going to start this post because I was going to talk about how five or so years of my life are documented in leather-bound Mickey Mouse journals from Disney World. ( I was a hipster fucking kid before that word even started being flung around willy-billy).

So yeah, surprise! (Although I’m sure I’ve written about it before) This blog is not my first experience writing down my life. I really do think that everything I write will one day be used to beautifully embarrass me or make me a lot of money or both.

Why are these journals relevant?

Well, today I did a lot of thinking. There’s a lot I want to switch up about my life in attempt to maybe get out of some of these dumbass cycles I get stuck in.

If im working on myself, I might as well work on my site which is an extension of me anyway right?

So, I’m going to try experimenting with a few new things on this site, including revisiting old posts and my old journal entries. I hope you stick around to see all the new stuff that’s coming.

Some people in my life would rather I not write, or they’d rather I filter myself a bit more, but that’s not happening. Any changes to come will of my own will, and will hopefully just help clarify a few things about my writing I find myself having to explain or defend more often than I thought.

I’m not entirely sure what else I might change about this site, but I do know that I will for sure put a disclaimer somewhere warning potential mates to not read it unless they’re really ready to deal with my spastic brain. Lol.

Are you ever?

Are you ever just done with yourself?

Like,over how you’ve chosen to live your life?

Like, pissed you keep making the same mistakes?

Welcome to my life.

Sometimes it’s really hard to be honest with yourself and admit your flaws, but it has to be done. I do this thing where I get caught up on things I think are flaws while casually ignoring my actual issues.

See, I’ve never really had the choice but to push my issues to the side, because things are never really about me. (Believe it or not, I’m not the biggest fan of being the center of attention anyway, so I don’t always mind things being about others.) The thing is, it’s totally not healthy to pretend my problems don’t exist.

Whether pretending they don’t exist for the sake of helping others, or simply out of embarrassment, it’s a real problem for me. I have this mindset of pretending things don’t bother me in order to keep pushing forward because it’s not like anyone is ever gonna understand what’s up with me.

So what’s the problem I need to be honest with myself about now? It’s got a lot of layers (surprise, surprise).

Basically it sums up to the fact that I seek love and attention in order to validate myself as being worthy of such things.

Now, this might seem confusing because generally I seem like a confident person on the outside. I am confident, honest to God I am, but sometimes I get into lulls in which for whatever reason, I need others to tell me or make me feel like I am as great as I think.

There are lots of problems with this, but one big one I have is that I’ve relied on some people as the worst kinds of crutches. I have used them to evaluate my worth. It’s honestly so fucked and I am frustrated with myself for it.

I know in my heart of hearts that I am worth twice my weight in gold, and I know that anyone who doesn’t see that shouldn’t be kept around.

Unfortunately, sometimes I don’t like to do the things I know I should. So, instead of letting go, I make excuses for people or try to change myself drastically etc.

I should never compromise who I am for anyone. For ANYONE. So I really gotta cut this shit out. I have to do better because I know better, even if it’s hard.

Room of my soul,

I just finished reading Inés of My Soul by Isabel Allende and I am the giddiest person alive right now.

If any of you have read the book and are thinking there must be something wrong with me because “giddy” is not a feeling you’d expect the book to leave a reader with, you are absolutely right.

I am giddy because I am in my favorite place, doing my favorite things.

My room is my serenity. Literally everything else outside of this room could be shit and falling apart, but as soon as I’m in here nothing else matters. Well, order matters. Last night wasn’t the best night for me in my room because I hadn’t finished unpacking and organizing my life.

BUT now that the unpacking and organizing is done, I am basking in the joy that my room brings me.

A few hours of my day were spent reading in my bed, and I gotta say, I was quite content. I also started a puzzle and jammed to some music, but reading was definitely the best part.

Reading has the power to transport you to a different world, and the safest place to get lost in a different world is in my cozy bed in my peaceful room.

Throughout the story, Inés recounts tails of love and courage, and all around being a bad ass woman. I aspire to be the bad ass woman she is.

Her character goes through a tremendous amount of challenges, but never gives up or backs down. I want people to one day think of me in the way they would think of a strong character like Inés.

I don’t need money or fame, I don’t need popularity or for everyone to love me, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wanna be knowing for being a boss at life.

I am going to be a boss like Inés and one day instead of having just a room of my soul, I’ll have an apartment and then a house of my soul. If walls could talk my room would have a lot to say. It has played a huge role in making me who I am today. I know that sounds kinda silly but it’s true.

I’ve cried, laughed, danced, studied, workedout, thrown concerts, cried, and learned so much about myself in this room. I’ve had the greatest of epiphanies while lying on my bed staring at the ceiling .

And tonight, I’m starting my second book of the summer. I am hard at work expanding my Latinx book collection and I’m really excited for this next one because it’s written in Spanish.

So this Latina goddess is gonna head back to basking in the serenity of her room and read a little more before she calls it a night.

Perspective

I woke up angry this morning, but because I choose joy I’m not going to let the anger have any more power over me.

I use this blog to talk about my experiences because I know if I hold everything in I will explode.

I talk about my life, my truths, on a blog for the world to see for a few reasons I’ve written about before. Some people think it’s weird, some people are upset by it, but the truth is, it makes my life easier to get through.

I do my best to live my truth through my writing, which means writing about the good and the bad, writing about my successes and my flaws. I do so in a way that for the most part, always highlights something I’ve learned, how I’ve grown, or something positive about life.

I don’t like being a Debbie-Downer. I don’t like to be a life sucker, I would prefer my misery not have company. I don’t like pity. I don’t have people in my life who I can talk to who genuinely understand anything I say. Even so, I don’t necessarily write to be understood, frankly, I don’t think anyone will ever be able to understand me or my life, because I sure don’t.

That was a lot of “don’ts” which sounds really negative so I’m gonna switch it up.

Basically, this blog is my therapy (I totally get why that is problematic). What I can’t wrap my head around is some people close to me being more upset about how they think they are portrayed in it (often times I’m talking about someone completely different, or more than one person), than how they have contributed to me feeling whatever I feel.

People love to focus on the negative, I know this. People get defensive very easily, I also know this. People take their problems out on people they actually have no problems with etc. People are complicated.

I am complicated. So no singular post should be taken for more than anything than what it is at the time, a post of my experiences in that moment. At the same token, they should be taken as an important inside look on my perspective in life.

My perspective which is unlike anybody else’s because I am unlike anybody else.

We could all use a little more perspective in life, and benefit from seeing from the perspective of others. This is something I make a conscious effort to do because it’s not the easiest thing in the world, but it is possible.

So whoever is reading this, I encourage you to stop and take a second to think about how all of the things that make up you and your life effect how you read or think about other people’s perspectives.