Last night, in a conversation with a friend I said the most real thing I’ve ever said and it hit me hard.
She asked what sparked me getting so sad all of a sudden and all I could reply was “I’m always sad”.
It’s true, I do a great job of temporarily forgetting about my sadness or pretending to. This is the case for a variety of reasons.
Like, who wants to be the girl who is sad all the time? Who wants to be pitied and babied about it? What exactly am I sad about? What would fix it?
I have the strongest urge to stop talking about it even now, to ignore it and talk about how I’m going to use today to center myself again.
The fact of the matter is, no matter how I may come off to you the reader (whiny brat, pessimist, someone who is never satisfied etc etc) I need to talk about it as much as I can.
I know I’m not alone in most of the experiences I write about on this blog, and that brings me comfort, so if my posts brings someone else comfort than its worth looking whatever fucked up way someone might perceive me.
Ultimately, I think I’m sad because I don’t feel love. I don’t need it from one particular person or one particular form of love I just need to feel it. I need to feel loved and I need to feel love around me, in and between the people around me. That’s all.
I wanna be happy, and I wanna be around happy people. I want everyone to always know and feel their worth. I want everyone to know that they belong and deserve to live their best life. That’s all.
So I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do on this self care Saturday but I’m ready to make the most of it.