Self Care Saturday

Last night, in a conversation with a friend I said the most real thing I’ve ever said and it hit me hard.

She asked what sparked me getting so sad all of a sudden and all I could reply was “I’m always sad”.

It’s true, I do a great job of temporarily forgetting about my sadness or pretending to. This is the case for a variety of reasons.

Like, who wants to be the girl who is sad all the time? Who wants to be pitied and babied about it? What exactly am I sad about? What would fix it?

I have the strongest urge to stop talking about it even now, to ignore it and talk about how I’m going to use today to center myself again.

The fact of the matter is, no matter how I may come off to you the reader (whiny brat, pessimist, someone who is never satisfied etc etc) I need to talk about it as much as I can.

I know I’m not alone in most of the experiences I write about on this blog, and that brings me comfort, so if my posts brings someone else comfort than its worth looking whatever fucked up way someone might perceive me.

Ultimately, I think I’m sad because I don’t feel love. I don’t need it from one particular person or one particular form of love I just need to feel it. I need to feel loved and I need to feel love around me, in and between the people around me. That’s all.

I wanna be happy, and I wanna be around happy people. I want everyone to always know and feel their worth. I want everyone to know that they belong and deserve to live their best life. That’s all.

So I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do on this self care Saturday but I’m ready to make the most of it.

The Fight

I feel like I’ve been fighting all the wrong things lately.

Today, Demi Lovato dropped a song about relapsing and how it makes her feel/ affects others around her.

It really has me thinking a lot.

While I don’t struggle with drug addiction or alcoholism, it’s no secret that I’ve had some battles with mental health issues.

For whatever reason, when I’m not feeling well about myself I resort to trying to become a hermit. I withdraw, I blame it on being an introvert, but the truth is, it pains me to be that alone.

I waste my time and energy trying to be something I’m not, rather than dealing with what is actually bothering me.

As of lately, I’m lonely and feel like my life is lacking direction. I don’t know how to fix my loneliness because I don’t believe people actually wanna be around me. I don’t believe people value me as much as they say they do. I’m a skeptical person who has been let down one too many times *shrugs*.

It’s not that I don’t feel good about myself, I’m in a pretty good place on that actually. I know what I have to offer this world, I am aware of things that I need to improve upon vs things I don’t need to improve upon but think that others would want me to.

Like, I know it’s dramatic to think that no one cares for me, and that no one will ever really romantically care for me, but that’s what it feels like sometimes. Sometimes I am just overcome by this need to belong, this need to feel like someone loves me, like someone cares. Lately that’s been consuming me, and I think writing about it is the first step to changing that.

I know this post is rambly, I apologize, when I started writing I didn’t think I’d get into it like this.

When I feel lonely, I isolate myself, that isolation makes me feel worse. It’s a cycle. It’s not an endless one though, I’m going to change it.

Admitting all this was the first step. Next, I just need to allow myself to live each day as it comes. Like, I keep trying to set rules for myself and create structure that isn’t needed.

I am my own worst enemy tbh, but I’m gonna fix that.

I won the fight against hating myself, it’s time to win the fight against being too hard on myself.

June’s Journey

I saw a tweet today that talked about how 2018 can be described as January being insanely long and the rest of the months going by really fast.

I am sad to admit that I set goals for June that do not appear possible to complete at this point. I think it was a combination of setting too many, underestimating the toll work would take on me, and a few other life happenings getting in the way.

I don’t like excuses though, so I am going to get my act together. One of the first things I want to work on is completely unrelated to those previously established goals though. I want to get involved in something that doesn’t put me at the forefront.

I know I still and will forever have tons of work to do on me, but the state of this world really has me wanting to make a difference in someone else’s life in any way I can. There are just so many disgusting things going on in our society and I want to help move things in a positive direction.

I think its the only way of not letting all the negative stuff consume me to be honest. There’s so much about my life, and just life in general that I want to change, that it is easy to get caught up and feel weighed down by it.

So, like I have been saying recently, its time to take some baby steps in the right direction.

I don’t know where exactly life is taking me yet, but I am pretty sure helping others is going to be a big part of the rest of my life, so it’s time I explore in what ways I can.

A true goddess knows how to split her time between working her way through life and helping others navigate theirs.

I don’t know exactly what journey I am on or will be on, but I hope you join me as I finally get back to journeying towards my goddesshood.

Te Prometo

I just posted some selfies with the caption “Te prometo que no tienes idea lo que viene”.

It translates to, “I promise you have no idea what is coming.”

To be perfectly honest, I don’t either, but I know big things are coming.

I’m going to make this summer the summer I want it to be, even if it’s all on my own. I’m going to make my life everything I want it to be.

It won’t be easy but I’m excited. I am ready to put work in, I am ready.

I promise everyone is going to have their minds blown.

Baby Steps

Small steps in the right direction are still steps.

This is something I tell friends/peers all the time.

Ask me how often I listen to my own advice or words of wisdom?

The answer would obviously be rarely *insert eye-rolling emoji*

Well, I’m trying to do better.

Tonight I took a few small steps to getting my life to the zen place I wanna be in forever.

Now they might seem minuscule, but in the grand scheme of my life these first baby steps will be the most important ones.

The goddess is back y’all, and she’s coming for ya, slowly but surely.

Ugly Friend

I spent a long time hating myself, and an even longer time learning to love myself.

Ask most people nowadays, and “confident” is probably one of the words they’d use to describe me.

That confidence was tested last night, almost shattered.

Honestly, it feel like it was completely shattered but I know it wasn’t.

How could years of loving and accepting myself me wiped away in one night?

I refuse to believe they are completely, but damn do I not feel so great right now.

All my life I’ve been blessed with amazingly beautiful friends inside and out, but this has also been sort of a curse. I am the ugly friend, always (in some cases I’m simply the non-white friend which in an unspoken way makes me undesirable).

Few things hit harder than talking to someone, only to find out they’re after your friend. Or simply being completely ignored while in a group.

I’ve often written about feeling alone, and this is just one trend that plays into me feeling that way.

I know I’m great, I know anybody would be lucky to have me, but do I?

I don’t know, just not in the best headspace right now.

I’ve been wanting to make my blog more positive, but I can’t do that and be true to myself.

The fact of my life is that it is all over the place, but no matter what I’m gonna get through each day being more of a goddess than I was before.