Meh

Meh.

^ How I feel right now because I am the worst worrier.

I wish there was a way for me to stop worrying so much, truly. Like I am fine, things in my life aren’t going horrible, I finally feel like I’m in control again.

I need to just take a fucking chill pill. Everything is fine, everything will be fine, I got this.

I sometimes envy people who seem to not have a care in the world, cause your girl be stressssssed.

I’m just annoyed with myself though because I truly shouldn’t be as stressed as I am. I’m actually doing okay right now, so hopefully this little worry sesh pipes the fuck down.

As much as I am worried, I’m also sort of pumped to prepare for moving in. I already have most of my basic needs which is like über clutch to be completely honest. I won’t actually have to go out and buy much.

I came up with an idea for decorating my room so I’m totally ready to make it happen. I think it’s going to be great. I think everything will be just fine.

And just like that, I don’t feel “meh” anymore.

Expressing your feelings is truly magical.

Going Places

Hey y’all, it’s been a minute.

Today was a not-so-great day, but good things always come from the bad, right?

For a second today (definitely longer than a second, but please let me live), I forgot who the fuck I was.

Your girl was out here feeling sad over a boy, knowing damn well she’s too much of a goddess for that shit. It’s really crazy. Like the power that other humans and human interaction can have over how you feel.

I wonder all the time why the hell God was like “yeah let’s make this one extra emotional, an empath and all dat”.  When your girl feels, she feeeeeeeels.

It’s all good though, I did a little retail therapy today to cheer myself up. My favorite purchase is my new ban.dō planner. It says “Going Places” on the cover, and you bet your ass that’s what I am doing.

I don’t have time to be caught up on people who aren’t at all caught up on me clearly. I have things to accomplish. I have goals and aspirations. I’ve got dreams I am working on making come true.

Anybody who is not contributing to me going places does not matter.
I AM SMART

I AM STRONG

I AM FEARLESS

I AM BEAUTIFUL

I AM A GODDESS DAMMIT.

I can’t be out here letting myself forget these things. I am worthy of all the good things this world has to offer me. I am worthy of everything I want out of life, and I am determined to get it.

Your girl is back, let’s get it.

Don’t get stuck

Currently binge-watching Once Upon A Time (even though I know damn well I should be in bed because I have work in the morning) and of course, I’m drawing parallels between my life and the lives of the characters.

There are a lot of layers to the show, but one key thing about the town it is set in is that no one can leave, and most never really want to apparently.

The first thing that comes to mind when I think about being stuck in a town is a song by A Day to Remember called “All Signs Point to Lauderdale”. The chorus literally starts with “I hate this town”.

It’s a great song to rock out to, to be honest. But yeah, so, I don’t hate my town but it’s not my favorite.

A lot of people never leave this place. I do not intend to be one of those people. That’s one of the main reasons I work so hard a stress so much. I don’t want to be stuck here.

I don’t ever want to be stuck in any sense. Being stagnant just isn’t good for the soul. There’s too much in the world to see and do to let my life be confined to one town or even one state.

I’ve been on this up and down sorta thing all summer trying to figure my life out, looking for motivation, purpose etc.

I don’t have shit figured out yet, but I do know I’m not tryna be stuck.

I don’t know how

I don’t always know how to explain to people that certain things drain me more than the average person. Certain things suck an outstanding amount of energy out of me.

I’m one strong mofo, and people know that, so they don’t always take time to consider my weak points.

I love going out and experiencing life, but I can’t do it all the time. Socializing physically and mentally drains me.

I’m also very calculated, I don’t like to do things that I don’t think will have a positive outcome. So if that means declining an invitation out because I know at the end of the night I will have felt like it wasn’t worth all the energy I need to get through it, I will decline that invitation. If it means cancelling plans because I’m more anxious about them than I originally thought, I cancel.

It’s not that I’m no fun, it’s not that I can’t be spontaneous etc. It’s that I know my limits, I know what works for me and what doesn’t.

Quite frankly, when I decline or cancel on friends, it’s really just as much for them as it is for me. When I’m not in the right headspace I’m not very fun to be around. Me not participating means no one has to ask me a million times what’s wrong or tell me to smile and I don’t have to get cranky at them for it.

There’s are a lot of complicated things about me, and I just don’t know how to explain them to everyone. Nor do I feel like I should have to all the time, but that’s for another post.

Present-Future Balance?

Living for both right this moment and the future is a mind boggling experience. The balance between focusing on the present and the future is so hard to maintain.

The present really sort of has two versions for me, the right now, and the near future.

Yesterday, a friend asked me if I wanted to attend a concert with her. High school me would’ve jumped at the opportunity without hesitation. Current me knows that I should allow myself some joys in this life, but also struggles with worrying about everything else under the sun.

This summer has been dedicated to working my ass off, paying down my credit cards and saving what I can.

That may sound easy to a full blown adult but it’s actually really hard because even though I live at home, I am basically supporting myself otherwise.

Last week I beat myself up for literally spending $25 on getting my nails done even though having them done makes me feel great. My dad always says that little joys like getting my nails done are worth it, but he’s also the same person who breathes down my neck about spending and saving.

It’s this thing I can’t quite figure out. I do know, however, that tomorrow isn’t even promised so above all else I should allow myself to live my life to the fullest while I’m still here.

Just gotta try to figure this shit out.

Here we go again

I feel like my life is a never ending cycle of the same shitty scenarios.

Like the key things my life has taught me are probably :

– People Suck

– All boys do is lie

– Love doesn’t exist

– People don’t change

– Things don’t get easier no matter how hard you try

Like, it all just sucks. I’m over it, I just wanna feel unstuck but at this point I don’t know how to get there.

Fuzzy

Life is a little bit fuzzy right now, I’m not even going to lie to you.

Things change from day to day. My moods are different, my attitude towards this blog, my motivation, you name it and it’s probably different on a day to day basis for me right now.

The easiest explanation I can give is that it’s summer. You know, days jumble together and all that.

As usual, there’s way too much going on in my mind all the time, and I don’t really know how to handle any of it.

I feel way better than I did at the beginning of this summer during my post-graduation slump, so that’s good. There’s just all of a sudden a lot going on and I don’t really know where to focus my attention.

Work, friends, boys, eating right, working out, blogging, reading, paying bills,  there’s jsut a lot going on.

It’s all fuzzy. I think my best bet is to attempt to actually take things one day at a time, but we’ll see.