#yay

My birthday came and went, nothing much to talk about. I’m 22 now, and unlike Taylor Swift at my age, I don’t feel it.

I feel like a whole child who was just thrust into the adulting world, even though I’ve known for months that this is where I would end up.

Lots of people comment on how students like me go straight into their graduate studies in order to avoid the “real-world” and adulting.

I’m not really sure what the fuck those people know about graduate studies, but this shit ain’t no joke.

I haven’t even attended my first class and I am stressed beyond measure #yayadulting.

I just mapped out my projected schedule, and holy moly it’s daunting. Technically I’m in class or at work for only a grand total of 29 hours a week, but anyone who knows the struggle knows that much more than 29 hours of my life will be consumed by work and school on a weekly basis.

I mean, that 29 hours doesn’t encompass all of the readings I’m going to have to trudge through or the papers I am going to have to write.

I’m currently scheduling my social life in an attempt to not isolate myself and let everything consume me.

I have no complaints though, I am blessed to have two jobs and be studying. I love having a busy schedule.  There are always challenges along the way, but, figuring shit out is what I do best. I am ready for the challenge.

I am also just really excited because I will be working with and learning from some pretty dope minds. So like actually #yay.

My mood for this entire year is going to be #yay, and that’s because one of my rules for this year is that I always choose joy. Generally, whenever I am feeling down I try to pick myself up and choose joy, but this year we’re gonna have more great days than down ones and that’s that.

 

PLAY THE DRUMS!

The title of this post is the fun thing my new ban.dō planner told me to try this week.

I’m not going to lie, when I was younger, I was actually interested in playing the drums, mostly because it seemed like a male-dominated activity. I’ve always been a rebel at heart, but I settled for the trumpet because my brother had quit playing it, and there was no way in hell my parents were buying another instrument.

Now that I am older and can do what I want, I might actually start learning to play, but we’ll see.

I really want to use this post to highlight how much there is to do and see in the world, and how much I’ve been holding myself back from a lot of things.

I’m like a complete pro at focusing on the wrong shit, if I am being completely honest. Might be a little hard to believe for some that know me because I’m actually not doing too poorly in life right now, but it’s true.

I’ve never really lost my focus when it comes to academics, but that is the only area of my life for which I can honestly say that.

My birthday is in two days and I’ve spent an insane amount of time doing a few things:

  • stressing about my birthday outfit
  • stressing about how lame my birthday is going to be

Stressing the first one probably makes sense to most people (but I’ve been totally excessive with it, not even gonna lie). The second one is probably what will throw people off the most.

The truth is, my birthday used to be my favorite day of the year, it used to be special. As I’ve grown older, it’s come to be the exact opposite. All in all, it typically now serves as a reminder that I put more energy and effort into people, and care about people more than they do for me.

A couple of hours ago, I was sulking about this, but since then I have pulled my shit together.

Some yoga, some great music, and some reflection has me feeling centered once again. I’m ready to stop worrying and stressing, and start just living.

Life is too short to be caught up in regrets, maybes, thoughts of what could’ve been or worries about the future. I’ve gotta make the most of each day. I especially need to do this because in a few days most of my life will be consumed by classes and two jobs.

So here’s to a real fresh start, and to doing all the things I could ever imagine in life. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll even play the drums.

 

At it again..

“And by “it” I mean, being my own worst enemy, of course.

I wonder just how many great things I’ve ruined for myself. I hope not too many, but I’m pretty sure it’s more than I’d like.

Anyway, it’s technically self-care Sunday, so I’m not gonna beat myself up about it. Instead, I’m going to focus on moving forward, on learning from each day..”

I started this post last night when I was too tired to keep my eyes open, but I wanna finish it because I feel like it’s something someone somewhere might relate to.

The basic rundown of my day yesterday is that I spent most of it pretty sure I ruined a friendship I’ve got going.

If you can’t tell from this blog, I am like #1 in the world when it comes to a person being hard on themselves. It’s something that is definitely a continuous battle.

Being so hard on myself actually plays in, and sort of kicks off the vicious cycle of me being my own worst enemy. Clearly very fun times.

But last night, I was reminded to calm the fuck down. Firstly, I need to stop getting in the way of my own happiness. Secondly, I gotta stop letting my happiness and peace be so easily disturbed.

So this self-care Sunday is all about trying to see everything from some sort of positive perspective

So let me get my shit together and start by joyfully packing for move-in, because move-in means I get to make another place my home and sanctuary for a little while.

Technology- Reality Balance

Technology is ruining our lives. (I say as a type this post on my Macbook with my iPhone on the chair right next to me.

Okay, so I don’t think it’s entirely ruining our lives, but it’s definitely something that needs to be managed properly.

Kids these days don’t know life without iPads or game apps on phones.  Young adults don’t know how to enjoy things without posting about them to three different social media sites. People seem to order literally everything online these days (I know because I worked at and Amazon sortation center for two summers). Generally, everyone has become very comfortable with the use of certain technologies.

I think technology is fucking amazing, everything from this blog, to Microsoft Word formatting my papers for me, or Netflix allowing me to binge watch tv anywhere etc. I think my all time favorite form of technology is the kind that allows me to listen to music whenever, wherever, because there is no way I could lived without it. (I think the movie COCO showed us all how miserable life would be without music.)

Like, I feel blessed to have as much access to technology as I do. It does make life easier and more enjoyable in a lot of ways. I think it can also be great distraction though.

I could sit here and pretend I’m perfect, and judge other peoples’ use of technology, but that would be messed up because I definitely have some struggles with it myself.

Every once in a while I try to take a break from social media when I realize how much it consumes my life.

Lately I’ve been trying to take a serious break from it and really refocus my energies. Social media is a vortex that can breed envy, insecurity, loneliness and whole slew of other issues. It can also make us forget how good we have it.

Like, it kills me that while I’m out here stressing something because of social media, there are people with deeper more intense problems than mine and stuff, ya know?

While I’m jealous of something someone else flashes on social media, there are people who don’t have some of the basic things I’m fortunate to have.

I feel like no matter what, life is always about finding balance between thing, and it can be really messy sometimes to find balance, but it’s definitely something worth working towards.

And that’s that.

Growing up, I was taught to treat others the way I want to be treated, and it’s something I really took to heart.

Something I wish I took more to heart is the fact that people can only treat you how you allow them to.

I’ve been alive for almost 22 years and that fact is just now really hitting me. I have let way too many people treat me in ways I don’t deserve.

I truthfully don’t know what’s good with me to be honest. Like, I assume and expect the worse from people, but at the same time I always try wayyyy too hard to see the good in them. Quite honestly, it makes no sense, I make no sense.

Like, I know people are awful, but I still hold on to this hope that maybe they aren’t as awful as I think.

I know how I deserve to be treated, and instead of running for the hills when I am not treated as I am supposed to be, I stick around hoping for change. Like sis, get it together. *inserts facepalm emoji*

I have to be able to draw the line, to find some sort of balance between having faith in people and knowing when to just drop them.

I don’t want to be a pessimistic ass person who hates everyone, but I don’t want to be naive about things either. I’ve been known to stick around people for longer than I should have in the past and I really need to cut it out.

The second someone shows their true colors, the second I am treated in a way I don’t deserve I should just cut them out, and that’s that.

A true goddess would not stand for someone getting her worth all fucked up, so that shit ends today. And that’s that.

Y’all ain’t seen nothing from me yet.

It’s self-care Sunday which means a whole lotta self reflection.

To be honest with you, I do a lot of self reflection on the regular, but Sunday’s I really spend time thinking about how I want to ensure I’m living my best life for at least the week ahead.

I’ve been slipping like a motherfucker lately. I’ve been letting myself get distracted, I’ve been worried about the wrong things, but it’s time to “Level Up” as Ciara would say.

“I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR GAMES” *insert yelling emoji*

I’m gonna be somebody,I’m gonna do great things, I’m gonna live a life that makes me happy & have all that I could ever want.

Anyone who is not contributing positively to me leveling up does not matter. That’s it, I’m done. It’s time for a boss ass reset.

I’ve spent too long hoping to get back the energy I give, but now I’m changing my whole energy up. I’m demanding what I deserve and that’s that.