I’ve got this.

Today I gave my first speech at an event, and though I am aware that it was probably very clear it was my first time doing such a thing, I think it went well. Normally anxiety-ridden-me got through it alright.

Right now, I am sitting in my bed both anxious over a homework assignment and this dumb ass football game that the Pats are losing miserably.  I finished the assignment and handed it in, but grad school work has me doubting myself in ways I’ve never experienced before.

I don’t really know how to describe it, but the pressure is on. And, the pressure is even more on now because it’s midterm time and I have three really big papers due in the next few weeks, but no idea how to start them. I feel like my time is not my own, like I am going to be upset with myself later for taking the time to write this.

The crazy thing is, writing this is the only way to calm me the fuck down before I move on to doing some of the other things I need to do before bed. It’s all sort of this weird vicious cycle, but I am going to get control of it.

In my speech today I talked about how blessed I was to have all of the people I have met through Greek life and it’s so true. I feel blessed to say that I have people, some of whom are more like my family than my family.

And then, there’s my dad who I have some small but comforting convos with every once in a while. I can’t truly put into words the way in which I appreciate him. Any time I get sad that my home life isn’t as positive as my friend’s project theirs to be, I try to just remind myself how blessed I am to have him, especially now that I am full fledge taking on this adulting thing.

He and all of my friends alway remind me that I can to anything I set my mind to, and so, I need to calm myself right now and remember that I’ve got this.

Every goddess needs a god?

I’m not the most sure of myself when it comes to most things, especially not academic things.

I’m writing this post in two parts because, while there currently are some things I’m not so sure of, there are others I think I can say I am pretty sure of.

So this post, will focus on little unsure grad student me.

Firstly, I have no idea how to study what it is that I want to study and I don’t even think I’m entirely sure of what it is I want to study.

I know, that was a lot, haha. Welcome to my brain. Given that this MA program is only two years and I’d really like to get done on time, I’ve gotta figure this shit out. Do I have a general concept of what I want to do? Yeah absolutely. I wanna essentially look at the role schools play in constructing “Latinidad”.

Wait… that’s like the most concise way I’ve ever put it. Holy shit. (Just when I was starting to think having a personal blog is dumb and useless, look at me enlightening myself lol.

Anyway, worried about that but I know it’ll be fine, I have so many people supporting me that figuring out my life won’t be hard.

You know what is hard? Class in another discipline with mostly PhD students of that discipline. Your girl has a group discussion assignment due tomorrow. You don’t even have to ask to ask me how it’s going cause you already….

Update: I fell asleep while writing this yesterday, and it’s safe to say I am no longer as anxious as I was about it so, we’re gonna talk about the other thing I’m sure of:

I require a lot of attention and affection. annnnd I am pretty comfortable in saying that I’d be willing to let a woman give me the love I deserve if a man can’t do it.

While it just feels natural for me to feel that way, and doesn’t feel like an actual big deal, I realize that it sort of is.

Essentially, I am open to love with anyone so long as I am getting what I deserve and can give them what they deserve. I know some people might read this and have a problem.

It would absolutely mortify my mom. I don’t really care though. Currently my only romantic involvement has been with boys and I’m currently sorta involved with a dude, but I kinda have just felt this need lately to sorta assert just assert who I am.

I am an independent woman who is working hard, glowing up, truly becoming the goddess I have always wanted to be. That goddess might find a god or a goddess to get through life with one day, who knows.

Vic the Grad Student

I’m currently sitting in my GA office, watching Ingobernable, thinking about how great life is.

It’s currently pouring outside, so there’s no sunlight coming through the window I am so blessed to have. My toes are frozen because the university thinks we’re actually huskies who thrive in the cold. I have a tremendous amount of reading and other work to do, but life is freakin great.

As I mentioned, I’m in my office which is dope. A lot of grad students don’t get offices let alone offices of their own with a window. It’s starting to feel like my little sanctuary, I love it. The same feeling I get when I walk into my bedroom is the same feeling I get while I am here. It is a safe space in which I sorta run things, a place where I can be myself.

The department as a whole is a place where I can be myself, and I am so grateful for that. Adjusting to grad student life has been quite an interesting process, but I’m so fortunate to even be here and having to adjust to it.

I’m doing the damn thing. Your girl is officially becoming independent of her parents, is paying bills, studying, working, and feeling like a real adult. Getting here has been hard, and I’m sure this whole process will be a roller coaster, but it’s a roller coaster I can handle.

There are so many things I wanna do, so many opportunities and possibilities, and I am ready to make the most out of all of it.

I am tired as all hell, but I am determined to make the best out of everything. Year 22 has been dedicated to choosing joy thus far, and I hope to keep that going.

So, stick around as I navigate this new identity. Vic “The Grad Student”is grateful to be here, and ready for the adventure.

 

Everything & Nothing

Today I am anxious about everything and nothing all at once.

I really don’t know how else to describe it to be quite honest.

I can’t even focus on typing this, but I know I have to because it will help me process things.

Right now I’m sitting on my bed, basically sweating even though it is not actually as hot in my apartment as it has been the past few weeks.

Everything in me is tense and I can’t pinpoint why, but the one thing I do know is that I will be fine.

I actually really have my life together right now, so much so that I cried earlier thinking about how far I have come. I think this can all be blamed on the current state of my hormones haha.

Literally I’m a mess. Sleep deprived, emotional, unable to focus, but I also feel really good about life. I don’t know that I’ve ever felt this good about life to be quite honest.

I’m not scared like I used to be. I don’t want to over analyze it and end up being more scared, but I think I am mostly shook because for once I feel secure.

Feeling secure is a big thing for me. I feel like I can handle anything, even if I may be a little tired right now. I am doing things people said I’d never do, things I didn’t think I could.

I wouldn’t be here without a few key people though and I’m seriously so blessed to have them. Over the years, my dad has really proven to be my biggest cheerleader even though he has often put a ton of pressure on me. Now that he sees that I am learning and growing, things are different. I don’t know what I would do without him.

My best friends are literally God’s gifts to this planet. They know and see all parts of me and still support me. They don’t make me out to be crazy or anything. It’s great to have the support of people who will also call me on my shit, that is what makes my friends so amazing. If I was living life wrong, they’d tell me.

Seriously, just writing all of this has made me feel better.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading my nonsense. Much love – V

She’s baccckkk

Went to the first concert I’ve been to since high school the other night, and I’m not gonna lie, it was magical.

There’s something about singing along with 16,000 other people that sorta gives you those Disney World vibes.

At the end of the concert, Drake talked about how people coming together to enjoy life regardless of their differences is what life should be about.

He’s not wrong, it’s amazing how the power of some things can really make you forget about all your worries. But..

Everyday I wake up and go about my day and am in some way reminded that I am different from other people. Yesterday, in my Latinos in U.S. education class, a question was posed basically asking if Latino students still face being stereotyped by educators etc.

We sure fucking do, which is why I love this Latinos in U.S. Ed class so much. The professor is a Puerto Rican man from New York who grew up poor and now works on changing the way the educational system functions for Latinos. He’s essentially what I wanna be when I grow up, and I didn’t realize that until I sat through his class yesterday. For the first time in ever, I am super fucking excited about a course.

There are so many elements of the course that I love, but I guess what I love most is that it feels like home. My home is only an hour and ten minute drive from here, and I’m not really the type to get homesick anymore, in fact, this class has felt more like home than my real home has in a while.

I think what’s most exciting is that it is a space in which I have some insider knowledge, but am also still learning so much more. Like, I can’t believe I didn’t know that Roberto Clemente died in a plane crash while attempting to do some great humanitarian work. May seem like a random fact, and not at all connected to my interests, but it’s one of those facts that actually sparks my interests further and creates new ones.

I love learning about myself (not in a cocky way I promise). I love learning the things they don’t teach you in school, that I can actually one day maybe convince people to teach in schools.

I have found a space in which my worries really do dissipate, and not because we sit in class singing together and trying to focus on the positives instead of on our differences and problems. It’s because it’s a space in which all of my problems, issues, inner conflicts over my identity etc feel validated.

The Raging Latina is back y’all, in full force, and she’s ready to change the world. So maybe one day people wont gather and have joy in spite of their differences, but because of them.

Life is beautiful

^ This is what I said when I finally got in my bed a minute ago.

I had a nice workout and took a nice shower, so yeah, life feels beautiful.

After a strenuous weekend of helping to make sorority recruitment successful, after a sleep-deprived overwhelming first week of school, I finally feel back to normal.

Things are under control for now, I think I’ve got a good plan for managing my time set up. I’m working hard on taking care of myself so that school work doesn’t drive me to madness.

I don’t really know what’s in store for me this semester, but I’m ready and excited for y’all to come along on this journey with me.

No matter how bad your day or week seems, remember, life is really pretty beautiful when you stop to think about it.