Leave me afuckinglone

I truly don’t get how people don’t let other people just live.

Am I sometimes a judgmental prick? Absolutely, anyone who says they don’t judge people every once in a while is in denial.

I do not, however, push my fucking beliefs on to people though. I don’t think I am right enough about anything or perfect enough to force anything on anyone.

I truly can’t stand people who do, like I’m literally surrounded by them.

For one of my classes, we had to read a brief excerpt of some of Gloria Anzaldua’s work and she said a lot of things that really resonated with me. One particular concept she writes about is this “shadow-beast” living within her that essentially does not want to be defined by anyone else or live by anyone else’s rules.

I have a “shadow- beast” within me as well, and she fucking hates being told what to do. She’s the reason this blog even exists, but let me stop playing and tell you what inspired me to write this post.

My roommate will not leave me the fuck alone.

Firstly, she does not understand that I am an introvert who values her privacy and her downtime. Like, when I’ve got my headphones in and I’m cleaning the apartment I want to be left alone.

Most of all, I do not want to be asked every other fucking day if I will go to church with her or why I don’t go to church. Do pushy people not realize that they are the reason people don’t wanna do the shit they are pushing them to do?

After having to explain to her why Donald Trump is a horrible man and not someone appointed by God to do the lord’s work of hating on gay people and people who do any of the things a two thousand year old book may or may not condemn, it’s time for me to speak the fuck up and let her know she’s gotta quit it.

I can’t do it, like my life is just fine homegirl, worry about yourself.

Mrs. Cole

The title of this post is my new married name after attending tonight’s J Cole concert.

That man is everything. The show was everything.

For a minute, I was a little aggravated with him because he seemed to be veering too much into like thinking he was a prophet or something. I don’t really know how to explain it.

But tonight, my faith in him was restored, my love for his music renewed.

He makes me wanna cut all of the bullshit outta my life and chase my dreams. Tonight’s concert was like that church sermon that feels like it was made just for you.

I’m tired as hell and can barely type this, but I’m feeling inspired and ready to keep showing the world who the fuck I am.

On being alone..

I’m sitting in my office enjoying  bangin ass lunch I made for myself, and contemplating life before I have to commit the next few hours of it to reading.

This morning, on my drive in from work I thought about how I constantly find myself wanting to be alone while also consistently feeling lonely.

Right now, I could be out in the hall conversing with colleagues over lunch, but instead I am in the safe space of my office. Safe from what you ask? It’s not like I am in any danger out in the hall.

This is true, but I’ve been really anxious lately, and sometimes it just helps to be alone in my own space. Is that necessarily healthy? Quite honestly, I don’t know, but it works for me.

Sometimes being alone is the exact opposite of what I need though. Sometimes I need to be alone with someone. What does that even mean?

I am the type of person who values time with others in several senses. I love doing things like essentially going on dates with my close friends, but I also love just being near someone while watching a movie or doing homework in complete silence.

I can’t be alone with just anyone though, it requires a certain level of comfort and safety. I don’t really know how to describe that safety besides it being an overwhelming feeling of being safe. Like I can just be me as I am, I don’t have to think about anything and everything is all good.

So, why the hell am I writing about all of this?

I guess lately with this whole new life I have got going I have been really focused on maintaining a balance between being social and having alone time. It is a lot of work, especially given that sometimes I know alone time is not what I need.

Some types of alone time are dangerous because I spiral into this feeling of being completely and utterly alone, as though no one can understand me and no one really cares to.

I think with the colder season and midterm assignments approaching I am worried about whether or not I’ll be able to keep the positive outlook that keeps my loneliness from spiraling out of control.

It is my hope that writing about it will help, and that maybe someone reading this will have suggestions on how to cope with it or will feel as though they can relate and are not alone in a struggle similar to mine. We’ll see.

I’ve got this.

Today I gave my first speech at an event, and though I am aware that it was probably very clear it was my first time doing such a thing, I think it went well. Normally anxiety-ridden-me got through it alright.

Right now, I am sitting in my bed both anxious over a homework assignment and this dumb ass football game that the Pats are losing miserably.  I finished the assignment and handed it in, but grad school work has me doubting myself in ways I’ve never experienced before.

I don’t really know how to describe it, but the pressure is on. And, the pressure is even more on now because it’s midterm time and I have three really big papers due in the next few weeks, but no idea how to start them. I feel like my time is not my own, like I am going to be upset with myself later for taking the time to write this.

The crazy thing is, writing this is the only way to calm me the fuck down before I move on to doing some of the other things I need to do before bed. It’s all sort of this weird vicious cycle, but I am going to get control of it.

In my speech today I talked about how blessed I was to have all of the people I have met through Greek life and it’s so true. I feel blessed to say that I have people, some of whom are more like my family than my family.

And then, there’s my dad who I have some small but comforting convos with every once in a while. I can’t truly put into words the way in which I appreciate him. Any time I get sad that my home life isn’t as positive as my friend’s project theirs to be, I try to just remind myself how blessed I am to have him, especially now that I am full fledge taking on this adulting thing.

He and all of my friends alway remind me that I can to anything I set my mind to, and so, I need to calm myself right now and remember that I’ve got this.

Vic the Grad Student

I’m currently sitting in my GA office, watching Ingobernable, thinking about how great life is.

It’s currently pouring outside, so there’s no sunlight coming through the window I am so blessed to have. My toes are frozen because the university thinks we’re actually huskies who thrive in the cold. I have a tremendous amount of reading and other work to do, but life is freakin great.

As I mentioned, I’m in my office which is dope. A lot of grad students don’t get offices let alone offices of their own with a window. It’s starting to feel like my little sanctuary, I love it. The same feeling I get when I walk into my bedroom is the same feeling I get while I am here. It is a safe space in which I sorta run things, a place where I can be myself.

The department as a whole is a place where I can be myself, and I am so grateful for that. Adjusting to grad student life has been quite an interesting process, but I’m so fortunate to even be here and having to adjust to it.

I’m doing the damn thing. Your girl is officially becoming independent of her parents, is paying bills, studying, working, and feeling like a real adult. Getting here has been hard, and I’m sure this whole process will be a roller coaster, but it’s a roller coaster I can handle.

There are so many things I wanna do, so many opportunities and possibilities, and I am ready to make the most out of all of it.

I am tired as all hell, but I am determined to make the best out of everything. Year 22 has been dedicated to choosing joy thus far, and I hope to keep that going.

So, stick around as I navigate this new identity. Vic “The Grad Student”is grateful to be here, and ready for the adventure.

 

Everything & Nothing

Today I am anxious about everything and nothing all at once.

I really don’t know how else to describe it to be quite honest.

I can’t even focus on typing this, but I know I have to because it will help me process things.

Right now I’m sitting on my bed, basically sweating even though it is not actually as hot in my apartment as it has been the past few weeks.

Everything in me is tense and I can’t pinpoint why, but the one thing I do know is that I will be fine.

I actually really have my life together right now, so much so that I cried earlier thinking about how far I have come. I think this can all be blamed on the current state of my hormones haha.

Literally I’m a mess. Sleep deprived, emotional, unable to focus, but I also feel really good about life. I don’t know that I’ve ever felt this good about life to be quite honest.

I’m not scared like I used to be. I don’t want to over analyze it and end up being more scared, but I think I am mostly shook because for once I feel secure.

Feeling secure is a big thing for me. I feel like I can handle anything, even if I may be a little tired right now. I am doing things people said I’d never do, things I didn’t think I could.

I wouldn’t be here without a few key people though and I’m seriously so blessed to have them. Over the years, my dad has really proven to be my biggest cheerleader even though he has often put a ton of pressure on me. Now that he sees that I am learning and growing, things are different. I don’t know what I would do without him.

My best friends are literally God’s gifts to this planet. They know and see all parts of me and still support me. They don’t make me out to be crazy or anything. It’s great to have the support of people who will also call me on my shit, that is what makes my friends so amazing. If I was living life wrong, they’d tell me.

Seriously, just writing all of this has made me feel better.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading my nonsense. Much love – V

She’s baccckkk

Went to the first concert I’ve been to since high school the other night, and I’m not gonna lie, it was magical.

There’s something about singing along with 16,000 other people that sorta gives you those Disney World vibes.

At the end of the concert, Drake talked about how people coming together to enjoy life regardless of their differences is what life should be about.

He’s not wrong, it’s amazing how the power of some things can really make you forget about all your worries. But..

Everyday I wake up and go about my day and am in some way reminded that I am different from other people. Yesterday, in my Latinos in U.S. education class, a question was posed basically asking if Latino students still face being stereotyped by educators etc.

We sure fucking do, which is why I love this Latinos in U.S. Ed class so much. The professor is a Puerto Rican man from New York who grew up poor and now works on changing the way the educational system functions for Latinos. He’s essentially what I wanna be when I grow up, and I didn’t realize that until I sat through his class yesterday. For the first time in ever, I am super fucking excited about a course.

There are so many elements of the course that I love, but I guess what I love most is that it feels like home. My home is only an hour and ten minute drive from here, and I’m not really the type to get homesick anymore, in fact, this class has felt more like home than my real home has in a while.

I think what’s most exciting is that it is a space in which I have some insider knowledge, but am also still learning so much more. Like, I can’t believe I didn’t know that Roberto Clemente died in a plane crash while attempting to do some great humanitarian work. May seem like a random fact, and not at all connected to my interests, but it’s one of those facts that actually sparks my interests further and creates new ones.

I love learning about myself (not in a cocky way I promise). I love learning the things they don’t teach you in school, that I can actually one day maybe convince people to teach in schools.

I have found a space in which my worries really do dissipate, and not because we sit in class singing together and trying to focus on the positives instead of on our differences and problems. It’s because it’s a space in which all of my problems, issues, inner conflicts over my identity etc feel validated.

The Raging Latina is back y’all, in full force, and she’s ready to change the world. So maybe one day people wont gather and have joy in spite of their differences, but because of them.