I got this.

I haven’t done shit in like a week.

It’s been a lonnnng one, just as it’s been a long semester.

Between not getting any sleep, feeling completely fucking alone and my grandfather passing, I have been in a complete daze.

This is the most I’ve written of literally anything in days. I sat through the last few days not knowing what was going on most of the time. My motivation is completely gone, I haven’t felt like this in years.

I want to cry, I want to eat, I need sleep, I can’t sleep, I feel alone, I wanna be alone. I am not okay right now. It’s something I didn’t want to admit, but it’s time.

I am not well. I will be okay though, I know I always conquer these phases. It’s going to take some real work and some real focus this time though.

It’s a new month, and almost a new year, and I am going to conquer everything. I haven’t made it this far to not keep pushing.

I am in control of my life, and I am going to make it everything I want it to be. My purpose is whatever I decide it is. I am going to kick ass fulfilling it.

No more distractions, no more bullshit, no more holding myself back. I got this.

12 days of November?

We’re officially in the twelfth day of November and I’ve only done two of the things I set out to do in my last post.

I won’t make excuses but I will say my hormones kicked my ass last week so I’m just happy to be in a good enough space to write right now.

An hour ago I handed in a paper that’s due in 9 hours. There honestly is no greater feeling than wrapping work up earlier than you normally would. I’m pretty sure I handed in my last one at like 2am, so I’m grateful for my progress.

I am still 1000 percent stressed about whether it is good enough or not, but if y’all just send some prayers up maybe it’ll help me at least get the same grade I got last time.

One of the things I said I wanted to do this month was read more stuff that interests me and I got to do that for this paper so it was kinda fun to write.

The only other thing I’ve done that I set out to is put my phone down more. I went basically all day without my phone today, and I’ve been really working to stay off of it.

I wanna get centered, I wanna fall in love with myself again so it’s time to get to it.

We may be 12 days into this month but I still have hope I can get back in track and make this month one of the best yet for me.

But for now, goodnight.

Issa New Month

One of my friends posted a series of questions on his Instagram story today, that reminded me to get my shit together.

I need to get my shit together in terms of buckling down on this school work, but I also need to get my shit together in terms of managing my happiness.

I haven’t been super down lately, which is nice, but I wanna keep it that way. So, I’m gonna take this new month and tackle some things.

First and foremost, I’m going to keep up with posting. I know nobody reads this shit, but I do eventually want to have some sort of brand, so I should get practicing building up shit. I’ve been saying (to myself) that I don’t have time to write, but that’s not true. If I just write on my phone instead of getting lost in Instagram or Facebook for longer than I should each day, I can do this.

This month I wanna make baby steps towards bigger goals, goals that will ensure my happiness and peace of mind.

Here they are:

– To write more, and spread out my content amongst the themes on my page.

– Put my phone down/turn it off more

– Eat less meat

– Work out more

-Practice (like actually practice) the languages I wanna master

– Read more things that excite me (I can’t always read for leisure,but at least I can do research that excites me)

I think that’s it for now. November, be good to me.

P.S. Happy Christmas music season

Hi

Hellllloooo Christmas.

Just kidding, I’m thrilled for Christmas music but I’m cool with Thanksgiving too.

I’m writing this to clear my mind so I apologize for how spacey and bratty it might sound.

It’s been a while since I’ve had something I felt worthy of posting, but this rant is also not super worthy of posting beside the fact some grad student somewhere might relate to it.

My first semester of my Master’s program is coming to a close faster than I would like. I am currently preparing for two papers that are due in 12 days. In high school (and maybe even undergrad during my lighter semesters) 12 days would seem like an eternity.

Right now, that shit is freaking me out. Honestly the only thing that has me really stressed is that I get the impression that one of my professor’s doesn’t think I know what I’m doing.

I’ll admit, the paper I gave him was garbage because my most challenging paper was due a few days before and my time-consuming lit review that was due the same day obviously took priority.

He gave me a good grade but from his comments and email correspondence about the next paper today I can tell he doesn’t think I know what I’m doing.

So, I’ve been beating myself up about it a little bit over the past hour BUT

I know I shouldn’t because I definitely know what I’m doing. I definitely belong here, and I kick ass at writing.

I GOT A 20/20 ON MY MOST STRESSFUL PAPER

I was stressed about that paper so bad that it would take an entire year’s worth of posts for me to explain. The summary goes like this though:

The paper was for my sociology class, a class was super duper lost in the first four weeks of the semester. The paper was a research proposal intended to fill a gap in the theory we had read to that point.

When I tell you I’m not a sociologist and shit had me freaking out to the point that for once in my life I emailed the professor for clarification that I was on the right path, I WAS STRESSED.

But, I fucking did it.

I probably could’ve budgeted time and effort more wisely for all three papers since they were due within four days of each other, but grad school is about learning, right?

So sure I flubbed up at first, but your girl is about to dominate all of these papers.

I just have to treat this professor like I did my freshmen history teacher in high school and just produce work this time that will have him fully realizing whatever his conception of me is now is completely wrong.

End rant.

I think I feel a little better, but I’m not sure. I really gotta get back to posting even though I’ll be on lock down the next 12 days.

Sensitive lil flower

It’s one of those times again, I’m cranky as all hell.

I’m just sorta fed up with not being treated how I deserve to be by everyone.

It’s quite shitty though, knowing your worth. No one else ever seems to really know it.

I’m tired. I feel like people should have to know what it feels like to not have me around. Then maybe we’d see who really gives a damn.

I try really hard not to expose my crankiness to people but sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes I get really frustrated because for me, cranky means emotional.

Like, I can’t just be angry. I’m angry and sad. So when I’m cranky I wanna cry and then people take it as something more than it is.

That’s if I do cry in front of them. I find myself keeping a lot of my cranky pent up inside because I don’t want to cry in front of certain people. I don’t want them to have the validation of me crying over them, and I don’t want them to think I’m an emotional wreck.

Im just a sensitive little flower. It’s both my greatest attribute and my greatest flaw.

AF

I’m needy…

AF..

I just took a love language quiz for like the fifth time ever and got the same results I normally do, my love languages are quality time and physical touch.

Translation: I’m a needy ass bitch.

I know this, and yet somehow I still end up trying to downplay that shit.

Like your girl loves to just kick it and be annoying, and when it comes to romantic partners, I’m touchy-feely AF.

I just really enjoy the presence of certain people, only certain people. Otherwise, I don’t like people and hate socializing.

I can’t really explain my obsession with physical touch but it brings me joy, it makes me feel comfortable and safe and idk.

So yeah, I’m a needy bitch, which is why I’ve been horrible at casual things thus far. People tend to think I’m more enamored with them than I actually am (and by “people” I mean boys). They take my need for quality time and consistency as a sign that I’m rushing a relationship (knowing damn well half of them aren’t worthy of being my man).

Even though boys are definitely stupid and mostly to blame for the poor state of my romantic life, I take some of the blame because I acknowledge my neediness.

Now I just need them to read this so they can better understand the real facts of life lol.

Today?

Got my first big grade back yesterday and quite honestly, it was better than I expected. I had a complete mental breakdown this time last week for various reasons, but the biggest was that I was worried I had failed the assignment miserably.

Essentially, it was too broad of a lit review, but your girl knew that because she has no idea what she wants to study and if there are even many sources out there to review.

So, I’m fighting undergrad-me’s urge to cry because the grade I got was not an A, but in reality, I wasn’t expecting an A and I knew it wasn’t A work.

I did get reassurance, however, that my writing skills are A1.

I say all the time that writing is my only academic strength, and it’s good to sort of get confirmation that it is indeed a strength of mine. I got further confirmation of this today when a colleague asked me to edit his paper. I don’t think I’m a master paper-writer, but he seemed to think my suggestions were legit so yeah.

Yesterday, I had to teach a class full of teachers with my friend in my cohort and we aced it, so that also sorta boosted my confidence.

I just have to remember to take one day at a time and not get too caught up in some things that big-picture probably won’t be a huge deal.

I’ve been blasting the RENT soundtrack into my eardrums for the past week and I think it’s about time I get “No Day But Today” tattooed on my body somewhere as a reminder to try to stay present and do all that I can to make the world a better place one day at a time.