Sensitive lil flower

It’s one of those times again, I’m cranky as all hell.

I’m just sorta fed up with not being treated how I deserve to be by everyone.

It’s quite shitty though, knowing your worth. No one else ever seems to really know it.

I’m tired. I feel like people should have to know what it feels like to not have me around. Then maybe we’d see who really gives a damn.

I try really hard not to expose my crankiness to people but sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes I get really frustrated because for me, cranky means emotional.

Like, I can’t just be angry. I’m angry and sad. So when I’m cranky I wanna cry and then people take it as something more than it is.

That’s if I do cry in front of them. I find myself keeping a lot of my cranky pent up inside because I don’t want to cry in front of certain people. I don’t want them to have the validation of me crying over them, and I don’t want them to think I’m an emotional wreck.

Im just a sensitive little flower. It’s both my greatest attribute and my greatest flaw.

AF

I’m needy…

AF..

I just took a love language quiz for like the fifth time ever and got the same results I normally do, my love languages are quality time and physical touch.

Translation: I’m a needy ass bitch.

I know this, and yet somehow I still end up trying to downplay that shit.

Like your girl loves to just kick it and be annoying, and when it comes to romantic partners, I’m touchy-feely AF.

I just really enjoy the presence of certain people, only certain people. Otherwise, I don’t like people and hate socializing.

I can’t really explain my obsession with physical touch but it brings me joy, it makes me feel comfortable and safe and idk.

So yeah, I’m a needy bitch, which is why I’ve been horrible at casual things thus far. People tend to think I’m more enamored with them than I actually am (and by “people” I mean boys). They take my need for quality time and consistency as a sign that I’m rushing a relationship (knowing damn well half of them aren’t worthy of being my man).

Even though boys are definitely stupid and mostly to blame for the poor state of my romantic life, I take some of the blame because I acknowledge my neediness.

Now I just need them to read this so they can better understand the real facts of life lol.

Today?

Got my first big grade back yesterday and quite honestly, it was better than I expected. I had a complete mental breakdown this time last week for various reasons, but the biggest was that I was worried I had failed the assignment miserably.

Essentially, it was too broad of a lit review, but your girl knew that because she has no idea what she wants to study and if there are even many sources out there to review.

So, I’m fighting undergrad-me’s urge to cry because the grade I got was not an A, but in reality, I wasn’t expecting an A and I knew it wasn’t A work.

I did get reassurance, however, that my writing skills are A1.

I say all the time that writing is my only academic strength, and it’s good to sort of get confirmation that it is indeed a strength of mine. I got further confirmation of this today when a colleague asked me to edit his paper. I don’t think I’m a master paper-writer, but he seemed to think my suggestions were legit so yeah.

Yesterday, I had to teach a class full of teachers with my friend in my cohort and we aced it, so that also sorta boosted my confidence.

I just have to remember to take one day at a time and not get too caught up in some things that big-picture probably won’t be a huge deal.

I’ve been blasting the RENT soundtrack into my eardrums for the past week and I think it’s about time I get “No Day But Today” tattooed on my body somewhere as a reminder to try to stay present and do all that I can to make the world a better place one day at a time.

I don’t belong here.

I’m in the middle of reading an article for my sociology class thinking about how much other reading I have to do and ready to break down because I don’t feel like I belong here.

Today I presented a literature review for my intro seminar, that I know is too broad. And I know that as my first one, it’s probably not as big of a deal as I’m making it. I know I’m supposed to learn from everything here.

Like, my GPA does not define me and especially doesn’t now, but still.

I know I want to do research, but I have no idea what I want to do research in yet. I feel like I’m expected to have it all figured out and I don’t.

I feel like I’m living a lie, like I can’t possibly handle everything I’ve taken on.

I don’t know my place in this world, and it sure doesn’t feel like it’s here right now.

Everything in me just wants a break, I want to give up and go live a boring life that doesn’t require I challenge myself.

I don’t know what to do.

My Narnia

Currently in Narnia, it’s amazing.

Just kidding, man do I wish Narnia existed. Could you imagine? I would’ve run away from life a long time ago.

I am not in Narnia, but I am currently being sucked into the vortex of academic literature.

Specifically, I am working on a literature review assignment for my Intro Latino/Latin American Studies seminar. While I dread writing the paper (mostly because I have less than two days to do it), I am currently living for all of these articles I am finding.

Of course, that means narrowing down a topic has been tough, but I think I am going to focus on Afro-Latinx identity in the U.S., I think.

One of the professors who I totally wanna be when I grow up told me that he got his master’s degree in Latin American Studies for selfish reasons, he really just wanted to learn about himself.

You know, like when people used to tell me I was a psych major because I was trynna figure out my own “crazy”? Welp, I am using this graduate program to learn about myself too.

There’s just so much out there-even though in the grand scheme of things the field is still relatively small- and I wanna read it all.

I wish I could just spend the entirety of my days reading and doing nothing else. Like, I think I would get around to wanting to do my own research, but right now I’m super content just reading what other people have studied.

I say this all the time, but I genuinely can’t believe I am here right now and have this opportunity.

My entire life is essentially one big identity struggle, like on the daily, so it’s nice to be able to use my courses to learn more about myself. It’s refreshing to see that this identity shit is in fact as complicated for everyone else as it seems to be for me.

To the people who actually read and/or follow this blog, I’d love to hear about your “Narnia”, or just anything really. Thanks for reading my ramblings, I gotta go back to Narnia and get some shit done.

Life is a movie

Sometimes it’s a horror film, other times it’s a drama,but the one genre my life never seems to implore is romance. Like sometimes, it comes close to being a romantic comedy. It only comes close because generally those end with flourishing romance.

Nah, your girl couldn’t even really tell you what a romantic date is.

I scare boys. I just came to this conclusion.

Well not really, I’ve always felt like I intimidate them for a bunch of reasons, but at this point in my life I scare boys because I am everything they need.

That sounds cocky, but it’s true. I spent a long time thinking boys didn’t like me because I wasn’t attractive, and the boys who did like me were only attracted to me for certain things that they’d use me for and then toss me.

I’m realizing now that boys don’t make moves because they recognize that I am gf/wifey material. They can’t handle that yet.

Bro I don’t know what’s happening, but right now through various conversations with people I’m really done with life’s romance shenanigans. I don’t got the time. I’m a whole blessing to this earth, anyone who can’t see that isn’t for me.

That’s that.

Just Call Me Dora

You know that song Dora the Explorer and her friends sing whenever they accomplish whatever they set out to in the episode?

I’m sitting in my office singing it to myself right now, because your girl handed in her first big paper for grad school at 3 o’clock this morning.

Sure, I only got like four hours of sleep last night, but I feel amazing, here’s why:

Firstly, the paper isn’t due until right before class today at like 3 pm. So like, in the world of academia, your girl go that shit done early.

Secondly, I didn’t think I could do this paper. It is essentially a sociology research proposal intended to fill a gap in the literature we have read in class to date. I’m not a fucking sociologist, so  I’m not sure if what I ended up writing was remotely close to what the professor wants, but I fucking did it.

It may not seem like much, and you’re probably like “Congrats Vic, you wrote a fucking paper”, but moments like this always make me think about the journey and the insane amount of work to get here.

If I had a brain enough to process emotions right now, I’d probably cry.

Like, I can’t believe I’m here. I don’t know exactly what I want to do with my life yet, but the fact that I am on my way to figuring it out is amazing.

My life has been like one long twisted episode of Dora the Explorer, and in moments like these I wouldn’t have it any other way.

( I have two more papers due in the next few days though, so we’ll see how long this feeling lasts.)