Because I am one

Today, I walked through the most beautiful of thunderstorms. The only thing I could have done without is my feet getting so damn wet.

I love a good thunderstorm, I didn’t always, but I think I love a good storm because I am one.

Like, your girl has come a long way from her days of being so terrified of storms that she had to believe it was just God bowling against the Devil and kicking his ass (true life that’s what made me feel better).

My (step)grandfather, the only man I’ve know as such even though he is not my blood, actually taught me how to appreciate a good storm.

Sitting on the stairs of his beach house and watching a storm roll in is freaking amazing man.

I am forever in awe of nature. It reminds you of how small you are, how many things you take for granted, how beautiful even the seemingly ugliest of things can truly be.

Your girl is not scared of storms anymore, because she is a storm.

Me and all my complexities, I am a beautiful storm. A storm that is going to leave everyone in awe. A storm that is a lot to handle, but worth withstanding for the beauty that comes at the end of every storm.

It’s easy to get caught up in the bad things in life, it’s easy to not live life out of fear of having to weather a storm, but in my life I’ve found that storms are always worth sticking out. Beauty and good truly do come of the ugliest and worst things.

As us Latinos would say “no hay mal que por bien no venga”.

Leave me afuckinglone

I truly don’t get how people don’t let other people just live.

Am I sometimes a judgmental prick? Absolutely, anyone who says they don’t judge people every once in a while is in denial.

I do not, however, push my fucking beliefs on to people though. I don’t think I am right enough about anything or perfect enough to force anything on anyone.

I truly can’t stand people who do, like I’m literally surrounded by them.

For one of my classes, we had to read a brief excerpt of some of Gloria Anzaldua’s work and she said a lot of things that really resonated with me. One particular concept she writes about is this “shadow-beast” living within her that essentially does not want to be defined by anyone else or live by anyone else’s rules.

I have a “shadow- beast” within me as well, and she fucking hates being told what to do. She’s the reason this blog even exists, but let me stop playing and tell you what inspired me to write this post.

My roommate will not leave me the fuck alone.

Firstly, she does not understand that I am an introvert who values her privacy and her downtime. Like, when I’ve got my headphones in and I’m cleaning the apartment I want to be left alone.

Most of all, I do not want to be asked every other fucking day if I will go to church with her or why I don’t go to church. Do pushy people not realize that they are the reason people don’t wanna do the shit they are pushing them to do?

After having to explain to her why Donald Trump is a horrible man and not someone appointed by God to do the lord’s work of hating on gay people and people who do any of the things a two thousand year old book may or may not condemn, it’s time for me to speak the fuck up and let her know she’s gotta quit it.

I can’t do it, like my life is just fine homegirl, worry about yourself.

PLAY THE DRUMS!

The title of this post is the fun thing my new ban.dō planner told me to try this week.

I’m not going to lie, when I was younger, I was actually interested in playing the drums, mostly because it seemed like a male-dominated activity. I’ve always been a rebel at heart, but I settled for the trumpet because my brother had quit playing it, and there was no way in hell my parents were buying another instrument.

Now that I am older and can do what I want, I might actually start learning to play, but we’ll see.

I really want to use this post to highlight how much there is to do and see in the world, and how much I’ve been holding myself back from a lot of things.

I’m like a complete pro at focusing on the wrong shit, if I am being completely honest. Might be a little hard to believe for some that know me because I’m actually not doing too poorly in life right now, but it’s true.

I’ve never really lost my focus when it comes to academics, but that is the only area of my life for which I can honestly say that.

My birthday is in two days and I’ve spent an insane amount of time doing a few things:

  • stressing about my birthday outfit
  • stressing about how lame my birthday is going to be

Stressing the first one probably makes sense to most people (but I’ve been totally excessive with it, not even gonna lie). The second one is probably what will throw people off the most.

The truth is, my birthday used to be my favorite day of the year, it used to be special. As I’ve grown older, it’s come to be the exact opposite. All in all, it typically now serves as a reminder that I put more energy and effort into people, and care about people more than they do for me.

A couple of hours ago, I was sulking about this, but since then I have pulled my shit together.

Some yoga, some great music, and some reflection has me feeling centered once again. I’m ready to stop worrying and stressing, and start just living.

Life is too short to be caught up in regrets, maybes, thoughts of what could’ve been or worries about the future. I’ve gotta make the most of each day. I especially need to do this because in a few days most of my life will be consumed by classes and two jobs.

So here’s to a real fresh start, and to doing all the things I could ever imagine in life. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll even play the drums.

 

And that’s that.

Growing up, I was taught to treat others the way I want to be treated, and it’s something I really took to heart.

Something I wish I took more to heart is the fact that people can only treat you how you allow them to.

I’ve been alive for almost 22 years and that fact is just now really hitting me. I have let way too many people treat me in ways I don’t deserve.

I truthfully don’t know what’s good with me to be honest. Like, I assume and expect the worse from people, but at the same time I always try wayyyy too hard to see the good in them. Quite honestly, it makes no sense, I make no sense.

Like, I know people are awful, but I still hold on to this hope that maybe they aren’t as awful as I think.

I know how I deserve to be treated, and instead of running for the hills when I am not treated as I am supposed to be, I stick around hoping for change. Like sis, get it together. *inserts facepalm emoji*

I have to be able to draw the line, to find some sort of balance between having faith in people and knowing when to just drop them.

I don’t want to be a pessimistic ass person who hates everyone, but I don’t want to be naive about things either. I’ve been known to stick around people for longer than I should have in the past and I really need to cut it out.

The second someone shows their true colors, the second I am treated in a way I don’t deserve I should just cut them out, and that’s that.

A true goddess would not stand for someone getting her worth all fucked up, so that shit ends today. And that’s that.

Y’all ain’t seen nothing from me yet.

It’s self-care Sunday which means a whole lotta self reflection.

To be honest with you, I do a lot of self reflection on the regular, but Sunday’s I really spend time thinking about how I want to ensure I’m living my best life for at least the week ahead.

I’ve been slipping like a motherfucker lately. I’ve been letting myself get distracted, I’ve been worried about the wrong things, but it’s time to “Level Up” as Ciara would say.

“I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR GAMES” *insert yelling emoji*

I’m gonna be somebody,I’m gonna do great things, I’m gonna live a life that makes me happy & have all that I could ever want.

Anyone who is not contributing positively to me leveling up does not matter. That’s it, I’m done. It’s time for a boss ass reset.

I’ve spent too long hoping to get back the energy I give, but now I’m changing my whole energy up. I’m demanding what I deserve and that’s that.

Going Places

Hey y’all, it’s been a minute.

Today was a not-so-great day, but good things always come from the bad, right?

For a second today (definitely longer than a second, but please let me live), I forgot who the fuck I was.

Your girl was out here feeling sad over a boy, knowing damn well she’s too much of a goddess for that shit. It’s really crazy. Like the power that other humans and human interaction can have over how you feel.

I wonder all the time why the hell God was like “yeah let’s make this one extra emotional, an empath and all dat”.  When your girl feels, she feeeeeeeels.

It’s all good though, I did a little retail therapy today to cheer myself up. My favorite purchase is my new ban.dō planner. It says “Going Places” on the cover, and you bet your ass that’s what I am doing.

I don’t have time to be caught up on people who aren’t at all caught up on me clearly. I have things to accomplish. I have goals and aspirations. I’ve got dreams I am working on making come true.

Anybody who is not contributing to me going places does not matter.
I AM SMART

I AM STRONG

I AM FEARLESS

I AM BEAUTIFUL

I AM A GODDESS DAMMIT.

I can’t be out here letting myself forget these things. I am worthy of all the good things this world has to offer me. I am worthy of everything I want out of life, and I am determined to get it.

Your girl is back, let’s get it.

Welcome, Welcome

I met with an old friend, well not really an old friend, more like someone I haven’t spoken to in a long time today. It was beyond refreshing.

He asked me to recap my life since the last time we spoke and holy shit has a lot happened in a year.

We talked for quite a bit and I can’t even tell you how long it’s been since I’ve had such a nice convo. At one point, he asked about my blog. I was shooketh.

I couldn’t believe he even remembered it was a thing. Sure, it’s on all of my social media but I don’t really advertise it. What got me the most was that he remembered that I didn’t like people reading it.

More specifically, I didn’t like people I know reading it. Since then, both my blog and I have come a long way though. I’m using a completely different site, it’s structured differently, etc. I’m proud of it.

Though the point of this blog is not for me to get famous or anything (although I’m hoping one day it’s used as a minor form of embarrassment or the base of a memoir after I have become famous in the realm of academia), I welcome whoever to read it now.

It is the safe space in which I can honestly be myself all the time. Sure, some people might have problems with the things I say or the stories I tell, but they are all my truths.

My experience of life is mine, and no one can take that away, no matter how much they feel they know about me.

Sharing my life with the world is probably a) unwanted lol no one asked for this shit, I know b) maybe a bit risky but you know what?

Screw it.

Judge me, love me, hate me, question me, disagree with me, whatever it is, this goddess welcomes it, because she won’t compromise who she is for anyone.

So,Welcome.