I got this.

I haven’t done shit in like a week.

It’s been a lonnnng one, just as it’s been a long semester.

Between not getting any sleep, feeling completely fucking alone and my grandfather passing, I have been in a complete daze.

This is the most I’ve written of literally anything in days. I sat through the last few days not knowing what was going on most of the time. My motivation is completely gone, I haven’t felt like this in years.

I want to cry, I want to eat, I need sleep, I can’t sleep, I feel alone, I wanna be alone. I am not okay right now. It’s something I didn’t want to admit, but it’s time.

I am not well. I will be okay though, I know I always conquer these phases. It’s going to take some real work and some real focus this time though.

It’s a new month, and almost a new year, and I am going to conquer everything. I haven’t made it this far to not keep pushing.

I am in control of my life, and I am going to make it everything I want it to be. My purpose is whatever I decide it is. I am going to kick ass fulfilling it.

No more distractions, no more bullshit, no more holding myself back. I got this.

12 days of November?

We’re officially in the twelfth day of November and I’ve only done two of the things I set out to do in my last post.

I won’t make excuses but I will say my hormones kicked my ass last week so I’m just happy to be in a good enough space to write right now.

An hour ago I handed in a paper that’s due in 9 hours. There honestly is no greater feeling than wrapping work up earlier than you normally would. I’m pretty sure I handed in my last one at like 2am, so I’m grateful for my progress.

I am still 1000 percent stressed about whether it is good enough or not, but if y’all just send some prayers up maybe it’ll help me at least get the same grade I got last time.

One of the things I said I wanted to do this month was read more stuff that interests me and I got to do that for this paper so it was kinda fun to write.

The only other thing I’ve done that I set out to is put my phone down more. I went basically all day without my phone today, and I’ve been really working to stay off of it.

I wanna get centered, I wanna fall in love with myself again so it’s time to get to it.

We may be 12 days into this month but I still have hope I can get back in track and make this month one of the best yet for me.

But for now, goodnight.

Hi

Hellllloooo Christmas.

Just kidding, I’m thrilled for Christmas music but I’m cool with Thanksgiving too.

I’m writing this to clear my mind so I apologize for how spacey and bratty it might sound.

It’s been a while since I’ve had something I felt worthy of posting, but this rant is also not super worthy of posting beside the fact some grad student somewhere might relate to it.

My first semester of my Master’s program is coming to a close faster than I would like. I am currently preparing for two papers that are due in 12 days. In high school (and maybe even undergrad during my lighter semesters) 12 days would seem like an eternity.

Right now, that shit is freaking me out. Honestly the only thing that has me really stressed is that I get the impression that one of my professor’s doesn’t think I know what I’m doing.

I’ll admit, the paper I gave him was garbage because my most challenging paper was due a few days before and my time-consuming lit review that was due the same day obviously took priority.

He gave me a good grade but from his comments and email correspondence about the next paper today I can tell he doesn’t think I know what I’m doing.

So, I’ve been beating myself up about it a little bit over the past hour BUT

I know I shouldn’t because I definitely know what I’m doing. I definitely belong here, and I kick ass at writing.

I GOT A 20/20 ON MY MOST STRESSFUL PAPER

I was stressed about that paper so bad that it would take an entire year’s worth of posts for me to explain. The summary goes like this though:

The paper was for my sociology class, a class was super duper lost in the first four weeks of the semester. The paper was a research proposal intended to fill a gap in the theory we had read to that point.

When I tell you I’m not a sociologist and shit had me freaking out to the point that for once in my life I emailed the professor for clarification that I was on the right path, I WAS STRESSED.

But, I fucking did it.

I probably could’ve budgeted time and effort more wisely for all three papers since they were due within four days of each other, but grad school is about learning, right?

So sure I flubbed up at first, but your girl is about to dominate all of these papers.

I just have to treat this professor like I did my freshmen history teacher in high school and just produce work this time that will have him fully realizing whatever his conception of me is now is completely wrong.

End rant.

I think I feel a little better, but I’m not sure. I really gotta get back to posting even though I’ll be on lock down the next 12 days.

Today?

Got my first big grade back yesterday and quite honestly, it was better than I expected. I had a complete mental breakdown this time last week for various reasons, but the biggest was that I was worried I had failed the assignment miserably.

Essentially, it was too broad of a lit review, but your girl knew that because she has no idea what she wants to study and if there are even many sources out there to review.

So, I’m fighting undergrad-me’s urge to cry because the grade I got was not an A, but in reality, I wasn’t expecting an A and I knew it wasn’t A work.

I did get reassurance, however, that my writing skills are A1.

I say all the time that writing is my only academic strength, and it’s good to sort of get confirmation that it is indeed a strength of mine. I got further confirmation of this today when a colleague asked me to edit his paper. I don’t think I’m a master paper-writer, but he seemed to think my suggestions were legit so yeah.

Yesterday, I had to teach a class full of teachers with my friend in my cohort and we aced it, so that also sorta boosted my confidence.

I just have to remember to take one day at a time and not get too caught up in some things that big-picture probably won’t be a huge deal.

I’ve been blasting the RENT soundtrack into my eardrums for the past week and I think it’s about time I get “No Day But Today” tattooed on my body somewhere as a reminder to try to stay present and do all that I can to make the world a better place one day at a time.

I don’t belong here.

I’m in the middle of reading an article for my sociology class thinking about how much other reading I have to do and ready to break down because I don’t feel like I belong here.

Today I presented a literature review for my intro seminar, that I know is too broad. And I know that as my first one, it’s probably not as big of a deal as I’m making it. I know I’m supposed to learn from everything here.

Like, my GPA does not define me and especially doesn’t now, but still.

I know I want to do research, but I have no idea what I want to do research in yet. I feel like I’m expected to have it all figured out and I don’t.

I feel like I’m living a lie, like I can’t possibly handle everything I’ve taken on.

I don’t know my place in this world, and it sure doesn’t feel like it’s here right now.

Everything in me just wants a break, I want to give up and go live a boring life that doesn’t require I challenge myself.

I don’t know what to do.

My Narnia

Currently in Narnia, it’s amazing.

Just kidding, man do I wish Narnia existed. Could you imagine? I would’ve run away from life a long time ago.

I am not in Narnia, but I am currently being sucked into the vortex of academic literature.

Specifically, I am working on a literature review assignment for my Intro Latino/Latin American Studies seminar. While I dread writing the paper (mostly because I have less than two days to do it), I am currently living for all of these articles I am finding.

Of course, that means narrowing down a topic has been tough, but I think I am going to focus on Afro-Latinx identity in the U.S., I think.

One of the professors who I totally wanna be when I grow up told me that he got his master’s degree in Latin American Studies for selfish reasons, he really just wanted to learn about himself.

You know, like when people used to tell me I was a psych major because I was trynna figure out my own “crazy”? Welp, I am using this graduate program to learn about myself too.

There’s just so much out there-even though in the grand scheme of things the field is still relatively small- and I wanna read it all.

I wish I could just spend the entirety of my days reading and doing nothing else. Like, I think I would get around to wanting to do my own research, but right now I’m super content just reading what other people have studied.

I say this all the time, but I genuinely can’t believe I am here right now and have this opportunity.

My entire life is essentially one big identity struggle, like on the daily, so it’s nice to be able to use my courses to learn more about myself. It’s refreshing to see that this identity shit is in fact as complicated for everyone else as it seems to be for me.

To the people who actually read and/or follow this blog, I’d love to hear about your “Narnia”, or just anything really. Thanks for reading my ramblings, I gotta go back to Narnia and get some shit done.

Just Call Me Dora

You know that song Dora the Explorer and her friends sing whenever they accomplish whatever they set out to in the episode?

I’m sitting in my office singing it to myself right now, because your girl handed in her first big paper for grad school at 3 o’clock this morning.

Sure, I only got like four hours of sleep last night, but I feel amazing, here’s why:

Firstly, the paper isn’t due until right before class today at like 3 pm. So like, in the world of academia, your girl go that shit done early.

Secondly, I didn’t think I could do this paper. It is essentially a sociology research proposal intended to fill a gap in the literature we have read in class to date. I’m not a fucking sociologist, so  I’m not sure if what I ended up writing was remotely close to what the professor wants, but I fucking did it.

It may not seem like much, and you’re probably like “Congrats Vic, you wrote a fucking paper”, but moments like this always make me think about the journey and the insane amount of work to get here.

If I had a brain enough to process emotions right now, I’d probably cry.

Like, I can’t believe I’m here. I don’t know exactly what I want to do with my life yet, but the fact that I am on my way to figuring it out is amazing.

My life has been like one long twisted episode of Dora the Explorer, and in moments like these I wouldn’t have it any other way.

( I have two more papers due in the next few days though, so we’ll see how long this feeling lasts.)