Today?

Got my first big grade back yesterday and quite honestly, it was better than I expected. I had a complete mental breakdown this time last week for various reasons, but the biggest was that I was worried I had failed the assignment miserably.

Essentially, it was too broad of a lit review, but your girl knew that because she has no idea what she wants to study and if there are even many sources out there to review.

So, I’m fighting undergrad-me’s urge to cry because the grade I got was not an A, but in reality, I wasn’t expecting an A and I knew it wasn’t A work.

I did get reassurance, however, that my writing skills are A1.

I say all the time that writing is my only academic strength, and it’s good to sort of get confirmation that it is indeed a strength of mine. I got further confirmation of this today when a colleague asked me to edit his paper. I don’t think I’m a master paper-writer, but he seemed to think my suggestions were legit so yeah.

Yesterday, I had to teach a class full of teachers with my friend in my cohort and we aced it, so that also sorta boosted my confidence.

I just have to remember to take one day at a time and not get too caught up in some things that big-picture probably won’t be a huge deal.

I’ve been blasting the RENT soundtrack into my eardrums for the past week and I think it’s about time I get “No Day But Today” tattooed on my body somewhere as a reminder to try to stay present and do all that I can to make the world a better place one day at a time.

I don’t belong here.

I’m in the middle of reading an article for my sociology class thinking about how much other reading I have to do and ready to break down because I don’t feel like I belong here.

Today I presented a literature review for my intro seminar, that I know is too broad. And I know that as my first one, it’s probably not as big of a deal as I’m making it. I know I’m supposed to learn from everything here.

Like, my GPA does not define me and especially doesn’t now, but still.

I know I want to do research, but I have no idea what I want to do research in yet. I feel like I’m expected to have it all figured out and I don’t.

I feel like I’m living a lie, like I can’t possibly handle everything I’ve taken on.

I don’t know my place in this world, and it sure doesn’t feel like it’s here right now.

Everything in me just wants a break, I want to give up and go live a boring life that doesn’t require I challenge myself.

I don’t know what to do.

My Narnia

Currently in Narnia, it’s amazing.

Just kidding, man do I wish Narnia existed. Could you imagine? I would’ve run away from life a long time ago.

I am not in Narnia, but I am currently being sucked into the vortex of academic literature.

Specifically, I am working on a literature review assignment for my Intro Latino/Latin American Studies seminar. While I dread writing the paper (mostly because I have less than two days to do it), I am currently living for all of these articles I am finding.

Of course, that means narrowing down a topic has been tough, but I think I am going to focus on Afro-Latinx identity in the U.S., I think.

One of the professors who I totally wanna be when I grow up told me that he got his master’s degree in Latin American Studies for selfish reasons, he really just wanted to learn about himself.

You know, like when people used to tell me I was a psych major because I was trynna figure out my own “crazy”? Welp, I am using this graduate program to learn about myself too.

There’s just so much out there-even though in the grand scheme of things the field is still relatively small- and I wanna read it all.

I wish I could just spend the entirety of my days reading and doing nothing else. Like, I think I would get around to wanting to do my own research, but right now I’m super content just reading what other people have studied.

I say this all the time, but I genuinely can’t believe I am here right now and have this opportunity.

My entire life is essentially one big identity struggle, like on the daily, so it’s nice to be able to use my courses to learn more about myself. It’s refreshing to see that this identity shit is in fact as complicated for everyone else as it seems to be for me.

To the people who actually read and/or follow this blog, I’d love to hear about your “Narnia”, or just anything really. Thanks for reading my ramblings, I gotta go back to Narnia and get some shit done.

Just Call Me Dora

You know that song Dora the Explorer and her friends sing whenever they accomplish whatever they set out to in the episode?

I’m sitting in my office singing it to myself right now, because your girl handed in her first big paper for grad school at 3 o’clock this morning.

Sure, I only got like four hours of sleep last night, but I feel amazing, here’s why:

Firstly, the paper isn’t due until right before class today at like 3 pm. So like, in the world of academia, your girl go that shit done early.

Secondly, I didn’t think I could do this paper. It is essentially a sociology research proposal intended to fill a gap in the literature we have read in class to date. I’m not a fucking sociologist, so  I’m not sure if what I ended up writing was remotely close to what the professor wants, but I fucking did it.

It may not seem like much, and you’re probably like “Congrats Vic, you wrote a fucking paper”, but moments like this always make me think about the journey and the insane amount of work to get here.

If I had a brain enough to process emotions right now, I’d probably cry.

Like, I can’t believe I’m here. I don’t know exactly what I want to do with my life yet, but the fact that I am on my way to figuring it out is amazing.

My life has been like one long twisted episode of Dora the Explorer, and in moments like these I wouldn’t have it any other way.

( I have two more papers due in the next few days though, so we’ll see how long this feeling lasts.)

Goodnight Anxiety

Anxiety is annoying AF because as much as I don’t wanna think about last night’s ordeal because I’m going to bed now and wanna actually sleep, I can’t help but think about it.

I think the thing that really has me shook is how scary it was. I genuinely felt like I was losing my shit. Like I can’t even really describe it, but your girl was not all here for a few minutes.

I genuinely do feel better, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared it was gonna happen again.

I don’t think it will though.

The biggest thing stressing me out has finally been tackled. I’m determined to be done with this dang sociology paper tomorrow night (aka today cause it’s 1 am) I know I can do it, and I’m ready to. The sense of relief that is going to come over me when it’s done is gonna be amazing.

I’m actually really proud of myself. I was scared of this assignment. So scared I emailed the professor for clarification, and if you know me, you know that means I was in need.

I have most of it mapped out so when I get to typing everything will be perfect. I’m still stressed given that I’m a perfectionist and I have no idea if it’ll be good, but I’m not as stressed as I was, I’m happy.

I’m ready to be done with this one and conquer the next two.

So in a weird turn of events, we’ll actually not so weird because writing is one of my coping mechanisms, I’m not so anxious anymore. Goodnight y’all

On being alone..

I’m sitting in my office enjoying  bangin ass lunch I made for myself, and contemplating life before I have to commit the next few hours of it to reading.

This morning, on my drive in from work I thought about how I constantly find myself wanting to be alone while also consistently feeling lonely.

Right now, I could be out in the hall conversing with colleagues over lunch, but instead I am in the safe space of my office. Safe from what you ask? It’s not like I am in any danger out in the hall.

This is true, but I’ve been really anxious lately, and sometimes it just helps to be alone in my own space. Is that necessarily healthy? Quite honestly, I don’t know, but it works for me.

Sometimes being alone is the exact opposite of what I need though. Sometimes I need to be alone with someone. What does that even mean?

I am the type of person who values time with others in several senses. I love doing things like essentially going on dates with my close friends, but I also love just being near someone while watching a movie or doing homework in complete silence.

I can’t be alone with just anyone though, it requires a certain level of comfort and safety. I don’t really know how to describe that safety besides it being an overwhelming feeling of being safe. Like I can just be me as I am, I don’t have to think about anything and everything is all good.

So, why the hell am I writing about all of this?

I guess lately with this whole new life I have got going I have been really focused on maintaining a balance between being social and having alone time. It is a lot of work, especially given that sometimes I know alone time is not what I need.

Some types of alone time are dangerous because I spiral into this feeling of being completely and utterly alone, as though no one can understand me and no one really cares to.

I think with the colder season and midterm assignments approaching I am worried about whether or not I’ll be able to keep the positive outlook that keeps my loneliness from spiraling out of control.

It is my hope that writing about it will help, and that maybe someone reading this will have suggestions on how to cope with it or will feel as though they can relate and are not alone in a struggle similar to mine. We’ll see.

I’ve got this.

Today I gave my first speech at an event, and though I am aware that it was probably very clear it was my first time doing such a thing, I think it went well. Normally anxiety-ridden-me got through it alright.

Right now, I am sitting in my bed both anxious over a homework assignment and this dumb ass football game that the Pats are losing miserably.  I finished the assignment and handed it in, but grad school work has me doubting myself in ways I’ve never experienced before.

I don’t really know how to describe it, but the pressure is on. And, the pressure is even more on now because it’s midterm time and I have three really big papers due in the next few weeks, but no idea how to start them. I feel like my time is not my own, like I am going to be upset with myself later for taking the time to write this.

The crazy thing is, writing this is the only way to calm me the fuck down before I move on to doing some of the other things I need to do before bed. It’s all sort of this weird vicious cycle, but I am going to get control of it.

In my speech today I talked about how blessed I was to have all of the people I have met through Greek life and it’s so true. I feel blessed to say that I have people, some of whom are more like my family than my family.

And then, there’s my dad who I have some small but comforting convos with every once in a while. I can’t truly put into words the way in which I appreciate him. Any time I get sad that my home life isn’t as positive as my friend’s project theirs to be, I try to just remind myself how blessed I am to have him, especially now that I am full fledge taking on this adulting thing.

He and all of my friends alway remind me that I can to anything I set my mind to, and so, I need to calm myself right now and remember that I’ve got this.