I got this.

I haven’t done shit in like a week.

It’s been a lonnnng one, just as it’s been a long semester.

Between not getting any sleep, feeling completely fucking alone and my grandfather passing, I have been in a complete daze.

This is the most I’ve written of literally anything in days. I sat through the last few days not knowing what was going on most of the time. My motivation is completely gone, I haven’t felt like this in years.

I want to cry, I want to eat, I need sleep, I can’t sleep, I feel alone, I wanna be alone. I am not okay right now. It’s something I didn’t want to admit, but it’s time.

I am not well. I will be okay though, I know I always conquer these phases. It’s going to take some real work and some real focus this time though.

It’s a new month, and almost a new year, and I am going to conquer everything. I haven’t made it this far to not keep pushing.

I am in control of my life, and I am going to make it everything I want it to be. My purpose is whatever I decide it is. I am going to kick ass fulfilling it.

No more distractions, no more bullshit, no more holding myself back. I got this.

12 days of November?

We’re officially in the twelfth day of November and I’ve only done two of the things I set out to do in my last post.

I won’t make excuses but I will say my hormones kicked my ass last week so I’m just happy to be in a good enough space to write right now.

An hour ago I handed in a paper that’s due in 9 hours. There honestly is no greater feeling than wrapping work up earlier than you normally would. I’m pretty sure I handed in my last one at like 2am, so I’m grateful for my progress.

I am still 1000 percent stressed about whether it is good enough or not, but if y’all just send some prayers up maybe it’ll help me at least get the same grade I got last time.

One of the things I said I wanted to do this month was read more stuff that interests me and I got to do that for this paper so it was kinda fun to write.

The only other thing I’ve done that I set out to is put my phone down more. I went basically all day without my phone today, and I’ve been really working to stay off of it.

I wanna get centered, I wanna fall in love with myself again so it’s time to get to it.

We may be 12 days into this month but I still have hope I can get back in track and make this month one of the best yet for me.

But for now, goodnight.

Today?

Got my first big grade back yesterday and quite honestly, it was better than I expected. I had a complete mental breakdown this time last week for various reasons, but the biggest was that I was worried I had failed the assignment miserably.

Essentially, it was too broad of a lit review, but your girl knew that because she has no idea what she wants to study and if there are even many sources out there to review.

So, I’m fighting undergrad-me’s urge to cry because the grade I got was not an A, but in reality, I wasn’t expecting an A and I knew it wasn’t A work.

I did get reassurance, however, that my writing skills are A1.

I say all the time that writing is my only academic strength, and it’s good to sort of get confirmation that it is indeed a strength of mine. I got further confirmation of this today when a colleague asked me to edit his paper. I don’t think I’m a master paper-writer, but he seemed to think my suggestions were legit so yeah.

Yesterday, I had to teach a class full of teachers with my friend in my cohort and we aced it, so that also sorta boosted my confidence.

I just have to remember to take one day at a time and not get too caught up in some things that big-picture probably won’t be a huge deal.

I’ve been blasting the RENT soundtrack into my eardrums for the past week and I think it’s about time I get “No Day But Today” tattooed on my body somewhere as a reminder to try to stay present and do all that I can to make the world a better place one day at a time.

Mrs. Cole

The title of this post is my new married name after attending tonight’s J Cole concert.

That man is everything. The show was everything.

For a minute, I was a little aggravated with him because he seemed to be veering too much into like thinking he was a prophet or something. I don’t really know how to explain it.

But tonight, my faith in him was restored, my love for his music renewed.

He makes me wanna cut all of the bullshit outta my life and chase my dreams. Tonight’s concert was like that church sermon that feels like it was made just for you.

I’m tired as hell and can barely type this, but I’m feeling inspired and ready to keep showing the world who the fuck I am.

#yay

My birthday came and went, nothing much to talk about. I’m 22 now, and unlike Taylor Swift at my age, I don’t feel it.

I feel like a whole child who was just thrust into the adulting world, even though I’ve known for months that this is where I would end up.

Lots of people comment on how students like me go straight into their graduate studies in order to avoid the “real-world” and adulting.

I’m not really sure what the fuck those people know about graduate studies, but this shit ain’t no joke.

I haven’t even attended my first class and I am stressed beyond measure #yayadulting.

I just mapped out my projected schedule, and holy moly it’s daunting. Technically I’m in class or at work for only a grand total of 29 hours a week, but anyone who knows the struggle knows that much more than 29 hours of my life will be consumed by work and school on a weekly basis.

I mean, that 29 hours doesn’t encompass all of the readings I’m going to have to trudge through or the papers I am going to have to write.

I’m currently scheduling my social life in an attempt to not isolate myself and let everything consume me.

I have no complaints though, I am blessed to have two jobs and be studying. I love having a busy schedule.  There are always challenges along the way, but, figuring shit out is what I do best. I am ready for the challenge.

I am also just really excited because I will be working with and learning from some pretty dope minds. So like actually #yay.

My mood for this entire year is going to be #yay, and that’s because one of my rules for this year is that I always choose joy. Generally, whenever I am feeling down I try to pick myself up and choose joy, but this year we’re gonna have more great days than down ones and that’s that.

 

PLAY THE DRUMS!

The title of this post is the fun thing my new ban.dō planner told me to try this week.

I’m not going to lie, when I was younger, I was actually interested in playing the drums, mostly because it seemed like a male-dominated activity. I’ve always been a rebel at heart, but I settled for the trumpet because my brother had quit playing it, and there was no way in hell my parents were buying another instrument.

Now that I am older and can do what I want, I might actually start learning to play, but we’ll see.

I really want to use this post to highlight how much there is to do and see in the world, and how much I’ve been holding myself back from a lot of things.

I’m like a complete pro at focusing on the wrong shit, if I am being completely honest. Might be a little hard to believe for some that know me because I’m actually not doing too poorly in life right now, but it’s true.

I’ve never really lost my focus when it comes to academics, but that is the only area of my life for which I can honestly say that.

My birthday is in two days and I’ve spent an insane amount of time doing a few things:

  • stressing about my birthday outfit
  • stressing about how lame my birthday is going to be

Stressing the first one probably makes sense to most people (but I’ve been totally excessive with it, not even gonna lie). The second one is probably what will throw people off the most.

The truth is, my birthday used to be my favorite day of the year, it used to be special. As I’ve grown older, it’s come to be the exact opposite. All in all, it typically now serves as a reminder that I put more energy and effort into people, and care about people more than they do for me.

A couple of hours ago, I was sulking about this, but since then I have pulled my shit together.

Some yoga, some great music, and some reflection has me feeling centered once again. I’m ready to stop worrying and stressing, and start just living.

Life is too short to be caught up in regrets, maybes, thoughts of what could’ve been or worries about the future. I’ve gotta make the most of each day. I especially need to do this because in a few days most of my life will be consumed by classes and two jobs.

So here’s to a real fresh start, and to doing all the things I could ever imagine in life. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll even play the drums.

 

At it again..

“And by “it” I mean, being my own worst enemy, of course.

I wonder just how many great things I’ve ruined for myself. I hope not too many, but I’m pretty sure it’s more than I’d like.

Anyway, it’s technically self-care Sunday, so I’m not gonna beat myself up about it. Instead, I’m going to focus on moving forward, on learning from each day..”

I started this post last night when I was too tired to keep my eyes open, but I wanna finish it because I feel like it’s something someone somewhere might relate to.

The basic rundown of my day yesterday is that I spent most of it pretty sure I ruined a friendship I’ve got going.

If you can’t tell from this blog, I am like #1 in the world when it comes to a person being hard on themselves. It’s something that is definitely a continuous battle.

Being so hard on myself actually plays in, and sort of kicks off the vicious cycle of me being my own worst enemy. Clearly very fun times.

But last night, I was reminded to calm the fuck down. Firstly, I need to stop getting in the way of my own happiness. Secondly, I gotta stop letting my happiness and peace be so easily disturbed.

So this self-care Sunday is all about trying to see everything from some sort of positive perspective

So let me get my shit together and start by joyfully packing for move-in, because move-in means I get to make another place my home and sanctuary for a little while.