At it again..

“And by “it” I mean, being my own worst enemy, of course.

I wonder just how many great things I’ve ruined for myself. I hope not too many, but I’m pretty sure it’s more than I’d like.

Anyway, it’s technically self-care Sunday, so I’m not gonna beat myself up about it. Instead, I’m going to focus on moving forward, on learning from each day..”

I started this post last night when I was too tired to keep my eyes open, but I wanna finish it because I feel like it’s something someone somewhere might relate to.

The basic rundown of my day yesterday is that I spent most of it pretty sure I ruined a friendship I’ve got going.

If you can’t tell from this blog, I am like #1 in the world when it comes to a person being hard on themselves. It’s something that is definitely a continuous battle.

Being so hard on myself actually plays in, and sort of kicks off the vicious cycle of me being my own worst enemy. Clearly very fun times.

But last night, I was reminded to calm the fuck down. Firstly, I need to stop getting in the way of my own happiness. Secondly, I gotta stop letting my happiness and peace be so easily disturbed.

So this self-care Sunday is all about trying to see everything from some sort of positive perspective

So let me get my shit together and start by joyfully packing for move-in, because move-in means I get to make another place my home and sanctuary for a little while.

Technology- Reality Balance

Technology is ruining our lives. (I say as a type this post on my Macbook with my iPhone on the chair right next to me.

Okay, so I don’t think it’s entirely ruining our lives, but it’s definitely something that needs to be managed properly.

Kids these days don’t know life without iPads or game apps on phones.  Young adults don’t know how to enjoy things without posting about them to three different social media sites. People seem to order literally everything online these days (I know because I worked at and Amazon sortation center for two summers). Generally, everyone has become very comfortable with the use of certain technologies.

I think technology is fucking amazing, everything from this blog, to Microsoft Word formatting my papers for me, or Netflix allowing me to binge watch tv anywhere etc. I think my all time favorite form of technology is the kind that allows me to listen to music whenever, wherever, because there is no way I could lived without it. (I think the movie COCO showed us all how miserable life would be without music.)

Like, I feel blessed to have as much access to technology as I do. It does make life easier and more enjoyable in a lot of ways. I think it can also be great distraction though.

I could sit here and pretend I’m perfect, and judge other peoples’ use of technology, but that would be messed up because I definitely have some struggles with it myself.

Every once in a while I try to take a break from social media when I realize how much it consumes my life.

Lately I’ve been trying to take a serious break from it and really refocus my energies. Social media is a vortex that can breed envy, insecurity, loneliness and whole slew of other issues. It can also make us forget how good we have it.

Like, it kills me that while I’m out here stressing something because of social media, there are people with deeper more intense problems than mine and stuff, ya know?

While I’m jealous of something someone else flashes on social media, there are people who don’t have some of the basic things I’m fortunate to have.

I feel like no matter what, life is always about finding balance between thing, and it can be really messy sometimes to find balance, but it’s definitely something worth working towards.

Meh

Meh.

^ How I feel right now because I am the worst worrier.

I wish there was a way for me to stop worrying so much, truly. Like I am fine, things in my life aren’t going horrible, I finally feel like I’m in control again.

I need to just take a fucking chill pill. Everything is fine, everything will be fine, I got this.

I sometimes envy people who seem to not have a care in the world, cause your girl be stressssssed.

I’m just annoyed with myself though because I truly shouldn’t be as stressed as I am. I’m actually doing okay right now, so hopefully this little worry sesh pipes the fuck down.

As much as I am worried, I’m also sort of pumped to prepare for moving in. I already have most of my basic needs which is like über clutch to be completely honest. I won’t actually have to go out and buy much.

I came up with an idea for decorating my room so I’m totally ready to make it happen. I think it’s going to be great. I think everything will be just fine.

And just like that, I don’t feel “meh” anymore.

Expressing your feelings is truly magical.

Fuzzy

Life is a little bit fuzzy right now, I’m not even going to lie to you.

Things change from day to day. My moods are different, my attitude towards this blog, my motivation, you name it and it’s probably different on a day to day basis for me right now.

The easiest explanation I can give is that it’s summer. You know, days jumble together and all that.

As usual, there’s way too much going on in my mind all the time, and I don’t really know how to handle any of it.

I feel way better than I did at the beginning of this summer during my post-graduation slump, so that’s good. There’s just all of a sudden a lot going on and I don’t really know where to focus my attention.

Work, friends, boys, eating right, working out, blogging, reading, paying bills,  there’s jsut a lot going on.

It’s all fuzzy. I think my best bet is to attempt to actually take things one day at a time, but we’ll see.

Self Care Saturday

Last night, in a conversation with a friend I said the most real thing I’ve ever said and it hit me hard.

She asked what sparked me getting so sad all of a sudden and all I could reply was “I’m always sad”.

It’s true, I do a great job of temporarily forgetting about my sadness or pretending to. This is the case for a variety of reasons.

Like, who wants to be the girl who is sad all the time? Who wants to be pitied and babied about it? What exactly am I sad about? What would fix it?

I have the strongest urge to stop talking about it even now, to ignore it and talk about how I’m going to use today to center myself again.

The fact of the matter is, no matter how I may come off to you the reader (whiny brat, pessimist, someone who is never satisfied etc etc) I need to talk about it as much as I can.

I know I’m not alone in most of the experiences I write about on this blog, and that brings me comfort, so if my posts brings someone else comfort than its worth looking whatever fucked up way someone might perceive me.

Ultimately, I think I’m sad because I don’t feel love. I don’t need it from one particular person or one particular form of love I just need to feel it. I need to feel loved and I need to feel love around me, in and between the people around me. That’s all.

I wanna be happy, and I wanna be around happy people. I want everyone to always know and feel their worth. I want everyone to know that they belong and deserve to live their best life. That’s all.

So I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do on this self care Saturday but I’m ready to make the most of it.

The Fight

I feel like I’ve been fighting all the wrong things lately.

Today, Demi Lovato dropped a song about relapsing and how it makes her feel/ affects others around her.

It really has me thinking a lot.

While I don’t struggle with drug addiction or alcoholism, it’s no secret that I’ve had some battles with mental health issues.

For whatever reason, when I’m not feeling well about myself I resort to trying to become a hermit. I withdraw, I blame it on being an introvert, but the truth is, it pains me to be that alone.

I waste my time and energy trying to be something I’m not, rather than dealing with what is actually bothering me.

As of lately, I’m lonely and feel like my life is lacking direction. I don’t know how to fix my loneliness because I don’t believe people actually wanna be around me. I don’t believe people value me as much as they say they do. I’m a skeptical person who has been let down one too many times *shrugs*.

It’s not that I don’t feel good about myself, I’m in a pretty good place on that actually. I know what I have to offer this world, I am aware of things that I need to improve upon vs things I don’t need to improve upon but think that others would want me to.

Like, I know it’s dramatic to think that no one cares for me, and that no one will ever really romantically care for me, but that’s what it feels like sometimes. Sometimes I am just overcome by this need to belong, this need to feel like someone loves me, like someone cares. Lately that’s been consuming me, and I think writing about it is the first step to changing that.

I know this post is rambly, I apologize, when I started writing I didn’t think I’d get into it like this.

When I feel lonely, I isolate myself, that isolation makes me feel worse. It’s a cycle. It’s not an endless one though, I’m going to change it.

Admitting all this was the first step. Next, I just need to allow myself to live each day as it comes. Like, I keep trying to set rules for myself and create structure that isn’t needed.

I am my own worst enemy tbh, but I’m gonna fix that.

I won the fight against hating myself, it’s time to win the fight against being too hard on myself.

Are you ever?

Are you ever just done with yourself?

Like,over how you’ve chosen to live your life?

Like, pissed you keep making the same mistakes?

Welcome to my life.

Sometimes it’s really hard to be honest with yourself and admit your flaws, but it has to be done. I do this thing where I get caught up on things I think are flaws while casually ignoring my actual issues.

See, I’ve never really had the choice but to push my issues to the side, because things are never really about me. (Believe it or not, I’m not the biggest fan of being the center of attention anyway, so I don’t always mind things being about others.) The thing is, it’s totally not healthy to pretend my problems don’t exist.

Whether pretending they don’t exist for the sake of helping others, or simply out of embarrassment, it’s a real problem for me. I have this mindset of pretending things don’t bother me in order to keep pushing forward because it’s not like anyone is ever gonna understand what’s up with me.

So what’s the problem I need to be honest with myself about now? It’s got a lot of layers (surprise, surprise).

Basically it sums up to the fact that I seek love and attention in order to validate myself as being worthy of such things.

Now, this might seem confusing because generally I seem like a confident person on the outside. I am confident, honest to God I am, but sometimes I get into lulls in which for whatever reason, I need others to tell me or make me feel like I am as great as I think.

There are lots of problems with this, but one big one I have is that I’ve relied on some people as the worst kinds of crutches. I have used them to evaluate my worth. It’s honestly so fucked and I am frustrated with myself for it.

I know in my heart of hearts that I am worth twice my weight in gold, and I know that anyone who doesn’t see that shouldn’t be kept around.

Unfortunately, sometimes I don’t like to do the things I know I should. So, instead of letting go, I make excuses for people or try to change myself drastically etc.

I should never compromise who I am for anyone. For ANYONE. So I really gotta cut this shit out. I have to do better because I know better, even if it’s hard.