I don’t belong here.

I’m in the middle of reading an article for my sociology class thinking about how much other reading I have to do and ready to break down because I don’t feel like I belong here.

Today I presented a literature review for my intro seminar, that I know is too broad. And I know that as my first one, it’s probably not as big of a deal as I’m making it. I know I’m supposed to learn from everything here.

Like, my GPA does not define me and especially doesn’t now, but still.

I know I want to do research, but I have no idea what I want to do research in yet. I feel like I’m expected to have it all figured out and I don’t.

I feel like I’m living a lie, like I can’t possibly handle everything I’ve taken on.

I don’t know my place in this world, and it sure doesn’t feel like it’s here right now.

Everything in me just wants a break, I want to give up and go live a boring life that doesn’t require I challenge myself.

I don’t know what to do.

Goodnight Anxiety

Anxiety is annoying AF because as much as I don’t wanna think about last night’s ordeal because I’m going to bed now and wanna actually sleep, I can’t help but think about it.

I think the thing that really has me shook is how scary it was. I genuinely felt like I was losing my shit. Like I can’t even really describe it, but your girl was not all here for a few minutes.

I genuinely do feel better, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared it was gonna happen again.

I don’t think it will though.

The biggest thing stressing me out has finally been tackled. I’m determined to be done with this dang sociology paper tomorrow night (aka today cause it’s 1 am) I know I can do it, and I’m ready to. The sense of relief that is going to come over me when it’s done is gonna be amazing.

I’m actually really proud of myself. I was scared of this assignment. So scared I emailed the professor for clarification, and if you know me, you know that means I was in need.

I have most of it mapped out so when I get to typing everything will be perfect. I’m still stressed given that I’m a perfectionist and I have no idea if it’ll be good, but I’m not as stressed as I was, I’m happy.

I’m ready to be done with this one and conquer the next two.

So in a weird turn of events, we’ll actually not so weird because writing is one of my coping mechanisms, I’m not so anxious anymore. Goodnight y’all

It’s been a while..

This is it, the end of Victoria as people know her.

I’m having then most anxious freak-out I’ve had in a while. It almost feels like I’m not even in my body.

I’m hot, I’m cold. My heart rate is.. 

I started writing this post last night, in the middle of the worst anxiety attack I have had in a long while, and clearly was not able to finish it.

My heart rate was elevated, my stomach in knots, I couldn’t breathe, and my body couldn’t decide whether it was hot or cold.

Last night I was fighting a bad fever and when I finally got around to feeling better and tried to go to sleep, I woke up to all of the aforementioned things going on. So, my cold or sickness or whatever it is I have been fighting the past couple of days definitely played a major role in last night’s terror.

Waking up this morning, I did not want to deal with life. I feel so different, last night’s experience was unlike any other sort of mental breakdown I’ve ever had. Even now, more than half way through my day I don’t feel the same, and I want nothing to do with people but I have to work with them.

I feel like a fraud walking around as though she is okay, knowing damn well that I’m not.

I don’t really know what the next step is. My mind is no longer racing with fear or self- deprecating thoughts, but I know I should do something.

Given that I was physically sick, I don’t know whether to see a medical doctor or to go talk to someone. I don’t know that a physical doctor would be able to help me much unless what is really going on is something chronic that can be found through tests, because my symptoms have now subsided.

It’s been a while since I’ve experienced something like this or felt the way I feel, but I’m going to do what I have to to make sure it doesn’t happen again .

On being alone..

I’m sitting in my office enjoying  bangin ass lunch I made for myself, and contemplating life before I have to commit the next few hours of it to reading.

This morning, on my drive in from work I thought about how I constantly find myself wanting to be alone while also consistently feeling lonely.

Right now, I could be out in the hall conversing with colleagues over lunch, but instead I am in the safe space of my office. Safe from what you ask? It’s not like I am in any danger out in the hall.

This is true, but I’ve been really anxious lately, and sometimes it just helps to be alone in my own space. Is that necessarily healthy? Quite honestly, I don’t know, but it works for me.

Sometimes being alone is the exact opposite of what I need though. Sometimes I need to be alone with someone. What does that even mean?

I am the type of person who values time with others in several senses. I love doing things like essentially going on dates with my close friends, but I also love just being near someone while watching a movie or doing homework in complete silence.

I can’t be alone with just anyone though, it requires a certain level of comfort and safety. I don’t really know how to describe that safety besides it being an overwhelming feeling of being safe. Like I can just be me as I am, I don’t have to think about anything and everything is all good.

So, why the hell am I writing about all of this?

I guess lately with this whole new life I have got going I have been really focused on maintaining a balance between being social and having alone time. It is a lot of work, especially given that sometimes I know alone time is not what I need.

Some types of alone time are dangerous because I spiral into this feeling of being completely and utterly alone, as though no one can understand me and no one really cares to.

I think with the colder season and midterm assignments approaching I am worried about whether or not I’ll be able to keep the positive outlook that keeps my loneliness from spiraling out of control.

It is my hope that writing about it will help, and that maybe someone reading this will have suggestions on how to cope with it or will feel as though they can relate and are not alone in a struggle similar to mine. We’ll see.

At it again..

“And by “it” I mean, being my own worst enemy, of course.

I wonder just how many great things I’ve ruined for myself. I hope not too many, but I’m pretty sure it’s more than I’d like.

Anyway, it’s technically self-care Sunday, so I’m not gonna beat myself up about it. Instead, I’m going to focus on moving forward, on learning from each day..”

I started this post last night when I was too tired to keep my eyes open, but I wanna finish it because I feel like it’s something someone somewhere might relate to.

The basic rundown of my day yesterday is that I spent most of it pretty sure I ruined a friendship I’ve got going.

If you can’t tell from this blog, I am like #1 in the world when it comes to a person being hard on themselves. It’s something that is definitely a continuous battle.

Being so hard on myself actually plays in, and sort of kicks off the vicious cycle of me being my own worst enemy. Clearly very fun times.

But last night, I was reminded to calm the fuck down. Firstly, I need to stop getting in the way of my own happiness. Secondly, I gotta stop letting my happiness and peace be so easily disturbed.

So this self-care Sunday is all about trying to see everything from some sort of positive perspective

So let me get my shit together and start by joyfully packing for move-in, because move-in means I get to make another place my home and sanctuary for a little while.

Technology- Reality Balance

Technology is ruining our lives. (I say as a type this post on my Macbook with my iPhone on the chair right next to me.

Okay, so I don’t think it’s entirely ruining our lives, but it’s definitely something that needs to be managed properly.

Kids these days don’t know life without iPads or game apps on phones.  Young adults don’t know how to enjoy things without posting about them to three different social media sites. People seem to order literally everything online these days (I know because I worked at and Amazon sortation center for two summers). Generally, everyone has become very comfortable with the use of certain technologies.

I think technology is fucking amazing, everything from this blog, to Microsoft Word formatting my papers for me, or Netflix allowing me to binge watch tv anywhere etc. I think my all time favorite form of technology is the kind that allows me to listen to music whenever, wherever, because there is no way I could lived without it. (I think the movie COCO showed us all how miserable life would be without music.)

Like, I feel blessed to have as much access to technology as I do. It does make life easier and more enjoyable in a lot of ways. I think it can also be great distraction though.

I could sit here and pretend I’m perfect, and judge other peoples’ use of technology, but that would be messed up because I definitely have some struggles with it myself.

Every once in a while I try to take a break from social media when I realize how much it consumes my life.

Lately I’ve been trying to take a serious break from it and really refocus my energies. Social media is a vortex that can breed envy, insecurity, loneliness and whole slew of other issues. It can also make us forget how good we have it.

Like, it kills me that while I’m out here stressing something because of social media, there are people with deeper more intense problems than mine and stuff, ya know?

While I’m jealous of something someone else flashes on social media, there are people who don’t have some of the basic things I’m fortunate to have.

I feel like no matter what, life is always about finding balance between thing, and it can be really messy sometimes to find balance, but it’s definitely something worth working towards.

Meh

Meh.

^ How I feel right now because I am the worst worrier.

I wish there was a way for me to stop worrying so much, truly. Like I am fine, things in my life aren’t going horrible, I finally feel like I’m in control again.

I need to just take a fucking chill pill. Everything is fine, everything will be fine, I got this.

I sometimes envy people who seem to not have a care in the world, cause your girl be stressssssed.

I’m just annoyed with myself though because I truly shouldn’t be as stressed as I am. I’m actually doing okay right now, so hopefully this little worry sesh pipes the fuck down.

As much as I am worried, I’m also sort of pumped to prepare for moving in. I already have most of my basic needs which is like über clutch to be completely honest. I won’t actually have to go out and buy much.

I came up with an idea for decorating my room so I’m totally ready to make it happen. I think it’s going to be great. I think everything will be just fine.

And just like that, I don’t feel “meh” anymore.

Expressing your feelings is truly magical.