Sensitive lil flower

It’s one of those times again, I’m cranky as all hell.

I’m just sorta fed up with not being treated how I deserve to be by everyone.

It’s quite shitty though, knowing your worth. No one else ever seems to really know it.

I’m tired. I feel like people should have to know what it feels like to not have me around. Then maybe we’d see who really gives a damn.

I try really hard not to expose my crankiness to people but sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes I get really frustrated because for me, cranky means emotional.

Like, I can’t just be angry. I’m angry and sad. So when I’m cranky I wanna cry and then people take it as something more than it is.

That’s if I do cry in front of them. I find myself keeping a lot of my cranky pent up inside because I don’t want to cry in front of certain people. I don’t want them to have the validation of me crying over them, and I don’t want them to think I’m an emotional wreck.

Im just a sensitive little flower. It’s both my greatest attribute and my greatest flaw.

Everything & Nothing

Today I am anxious about everything and nothing all at once.

I really don’t know how else to describe it to be quite honest.

I can’t even focus on typing this, but I know I have to because it will help me process things.

Right now I’m sitting on my bed, basically sweating even though it is not actually as hot in my apartment as it has been the past few weeks.

Everything in me is tense and I can’t pinpoint why, but the one thing I do know is that I will be fine.

I actually really have my life together right now, so much so that I cried earlier thinking about how far I have come. I think this can all be blamed on the current state of my hormones haha.

Literally I’m a mess. Sleep deprived, emotional, unable to focus, but I also feel really good about life. I don’t know that I’ve ever felt this good about life to be quite honest.

I’m not scared like I used to be. I don’t want to over analyze it and end up being more scared, but I think I am mostly shook because for once I feel secure.

Feeling secure is a big thing for me. I feel like I can handle anything, even if I may be a little tired right now. I am doing things people said I’d never do, things I didn’t think I could.

I wouldn’t be here without a few key people though and I’m seriously so blessed to have them. Over the years, my dad has really proven to be my biggest cheerleader even though he has often put a ton of pressure on me. Now that he sees that I am learning and growing, things are different. I don’t know what I would do without him.

My best friends are literally God’s gifts to this planet. They know and see all parts of me and still support me. They don’t make me out to be crazy or anything. It’s great to have the support of people who will also call me on my shit, that is what makes my friends so amazing. If I was living life wrong, they’d tell me.

Seriously, just writing all of this has made me feel better.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading my nonsense. Much love – V

Life is beautiful

^ This is what I said when I finally got in my bed a minute ago.

I had a nice workout and took a nice shower, so yeah, life feels beautiful.

After a strenuous weekend of helping to make sorority recruitment successful, after a sleep-deprived overwhelming first week of school, I finally feel back to normal.

Things are under control for now, I think I’ve got a good plan for managing my time set up. I’m working hard on taking care of myself so that school work doesn’t drive me to madness.

I don’t really know what’s in store for me this semester, but I’m ready and excited for y’all to come along on this journey with me.

No matter how bad your day or week seems, remember, life is really pretty beautiful when you stop to think about it.

Don’t get stuck

Currently binge-watching Once Upon A Time (even though I know damn well I should be in bed because I have work in the morning) and of course, I’m drawing parallels between my life and the lives of the characters.

There are a lot of layers to the show, but one key thing about the town it is set in is that no one can leave, and most never really want to apparently.

The first thing that comes to mind when I think about being stuck in a town is a song by A Day to Remember called “All Signs Point to Lauderdale”. The chorus literally starts with “I hate this town”.

It’s a great song to rock out to, to be honest. But yeah, so, I don’t hate my town but it’s not my favorite.

A lot of people never leave this place. I do not intend to be one of those people. That’s one of the main reasons I work so hard a stress so much. I don’t want to be stuck here.

I don’t ever want to be stuck in any sense. Being stagnant just isn’t good for the soul. There’s too much in the world to see and do to let my life be confined to one town or even one state.

I’ve been on this up and down sorta thing all summer trying to figure my life out, looking for motivation, purpose etc.

I don’t have shit figured out yet, but I do know I’m not tryna be stuck.

I don’t know how

I don’t always know how to explain to people that certain things drain me more than the average person. Certain things suck an outstanding amount of energy out of me.

I’m one strong mofo, and people know that, so they don’t always take time to consider my weak points.

I love going out and experiencing life, but I can’t do it all the time. Socializing physically and mentally drains me.

I’m also very calculated, I don’t like to do things that I don’t think will have a positive outcome. So if that means declining an invitation out because I know at the end of the night I will have felt like it wasn’t worth all the energy I need to get through it, I will decline that invitation. If it means cancelling plans because I’m more anxious about them than I originally thought, I cancel.

It’s not that I’m no fun, it’s not that I can’t be spontaneous etc. It’s that I know my limits, I know what works for me and what doesn’t.

Quite frankly, when I decline or cancel on friends, it’s really just as much for them as it is for me. When I’m not in the right headspace I’m not very fun to be around. Me not participating means no one has to ask me a million times what’s wrong or tell me to smile and I don’t have to get cranky at them for it.

There’s are a lot of complicated things about me, and I just don’t know how to explain them to everyone. Nor do I feel like I should have to all the time, but that’s for another post.

Present-Future Balance?

Living for both right this moment and the future is a mind boggling experience. The balance between focusing on the present and the future is so hard to maintain.

The present really sort of has two versions for me, the right now, and the near future.

Yesterday, a friend asked me if I wanted to attend a concert with her. High school me would’ve jumped at the opportunity without hesitation. Current me knows that I should allow myself some joys in this life, but also struggles with worrying about everything else under the sun.

This summer has been dedicated to working my ass off, paying down my credit cards and saving what I can.

That may sound easy to a full blown adult but it’s actually really hard because even though I live at home, I am basically supporting myself otherwise.

Last week I beat myself up for literally spending $25 on getting my nails done even though having them done makes me feel great. My dad always says that little joys like getting my nails done are worth it, but he’s also the same person who breathes down my neck about spending and saving.

It’s this thing I can’t quite figure out. I do know, however, that tomorrow isn’t even promised so above all else I should allow myself to live my life to the fullest while I’m still here.

Just gotta try to figure this shit out.

Here we go again

I feel like my life is a never ending cycle of the same shitty scenarios.

Like the key things my life has taught me are probably :

– People Suck

– All boys do is lie

– Love doesn’t exist

– People don’t change

– Things don’t get easier no matter how hard you try

Like, it all just sucks. I’m over it, I just wanna feel unstuck but at this point I don’t know how to get there.