Don’t get stuck

Currently binge-watching Once Upon A Time (even though I know damn well I should be in bed because I have work in the morning) and of course, I’m drawing parallels between my life and the lives of the characters.

There are a lot of layers to the show, but one key thing about the town it is set in is that no one can leave, and most never really want to apparently.

The first thing that comes to mind when I think about being stuck in a town is a song by A Day to Remember called “All Signs Point to Lauderdale”. The chorus literally starts with “I hate this town”.

It’s a great song to rock out to, to be honest. But yeah, so, I don’t hate my town but it’s not my favorite.

A lot of people never leave this place. I do not intend to be one of those people. That’s one of the main reasons I work so hard a stress so much. I don’t want to be stuck here.

I don’t ever want to be stuck in any sense. Being stagnant just isn’t good for the soul. There’s too much in the world to see and do to let my life be confined to one town or even one state.

I’ve been on this up and down sorta thing all summer trying to figure my life out, looking for motivation, purpose etc.

I don’t have shit figured out yet, but I do know I’m not tryna be stuck.

I don’t know how

I don’t always know how to explain to people that certain things drain me more than the average person. Certain things suck an outstanding amount of energy out of me.

I’m one strong mofo, and people know that, so they don’t always take time to consider my weak points.

I love going out and experiencing life, but I can’t do it all the time. Socializing physically and mentally drains me.

I’m also very calculated, I don’t like to do things that I don’t think will have a positive outcome. So if that means declining an invitation out because I know at the end of the night I will have felt like it wasn’t worth all the energy I need to get through it, I will decline that invitation. If it means cancelling plans because I’m more anxious about them than I originally thought, I cancel.

It’s not that I’m no fun, it’s not that I can’t be spontaneous etc. It’s that I know my limits, I know what works for me and what doesn’t.

Quite frankly, when I decline or cancel on friends, it’s really just as much for them as it is for me. When I’m not in the right headspace I’m not very fun to be around. Me not participating means no one has to ask me a million times what’s wrong or tell me to smile and I don’t have to get cranky at them for it.

There’s are a lot of complicated things about me, and I just don’t know how to explain them to everyone. Nor do I feel like I should have to all the time, but that’s for another post.

Present-Future Balance?

Living for both right this moment and the future is a mind boggling experience. The balance between focusing on the present and the future is so hard to maintain.

The present really sort of has two versions for me, the right now, and the near future.

Yesterday, a friend asked me if I wanted to attend a concert with her. High school me would’ve jumped at the opportunity without hesitation. Current me knows that I should allow myself some joys in this life, but also struggles with worrying about everything else under the sun.

This summer has been dedicated to working my ass off, paying down my credit cards and saving what I can.

That may sound easy to a full blown adult but it’s actually really hard because even though I live at home, I am basically supporting myself otherwise.

Last week I beat myself up for literally spending $25 on getting my nails done even though having them done makes me feel great. My dad always says that little joys like getting my nails done are worth it, but he’s also the same person who breathes down my neck about spending and saving.

It’s this thing I can’t quite figure out. I do know, however, that tomorrow isn’t even promised so above all else I should allow myself to live my life to the fullest while I’m still here.

Just gotta try to figure this shit out.

Here we go again

I feel like my life is a never ending cycle of the same shitty scenarios.

Like the key things my life has taught me are probably :

– People Suck

– All boys do is lie

– Love doesn’t exist

– People don’t change

– Things don’t get easier no matter how hard you try

Like, it all just sucks. I’m over it, I just wanna feel unstuck but at this point I don’t know how to get there.

Te Prometo

I just posted some selfies with the caption “Te prometo que no tienes idea lo que viene”.

It translates to, “I promise you have no idea what is coming.”

To be perfectly honest, I don’t either, but I know big things are coming.

I’m going to make this summer the summer I want it to be, even if it’s all on my own. I’m going to make my life everything I want it to be.

It won’t be easy but I’m excited. I am ready to put work in, I am ready.

I promise everyone is going to have their minds blown.

Ugly Friend

I spent a long time hating myself, and an even longer time learning to love myself.

Ask most people nowadays, and “confident” is probably one of the words they’d use to describe me.

That confidence was tested last night, almost shattered.

Honestly, it feel like it was completely shattered but I know it wasn’t.

How could years of loving and accepting myself me wiped away in one night?

I refuse to believe they are completely, but damn do I not feel so great right now.

All my life I’ve been blessed with amazingly beautiful friends inside and out, but this has also been sort of a curse. I am the ugly friend, always (in some cases I’m simply the non-white friend which in an unspoken way makes me undesirable).

Few things hit harder than talking to someone, only to find out they’re after your friend. Or simply being completely ignored while in a group.

I’ve often written about feeling alone, and this is just one trend that plays into me feeling that way.

I know I’m great, I know anybody would be lucky to have me, but do I?

I don’t know, just not in the best headspace right now.

I’ve been wanting to make my blog more positive, but I can’t do that and be true to myself.

The fact of my life is that it is all over the place, but no matter what I’m gonna get through each day being more of a goddess than I was before.

Under Construction

Hi y’all, it’s been a minute.

I know that the whole purpose of this blog is to document my various journeys, accomplishments, struggles, thoughts etc etc, but right now I’m sorta under some major construction so I’ve been M.I.A.

Honestly, I’m not even sure if I can say I’ve been under construction, it’s more like I’ve been demolished and trying to work my way back to construction.

Don’t worry, I’m okay, or at least I will be. I’m sure of it.

Life is just really weird right now, I guess you could say I’m having a sort of quarter-life crisis? I’m not sure, not even sure what the average lifespan is to determine if that’s at all accurate haha.

Point is, there’s a lot going on, most of which is inside my head and cannot be easily explained if at all.

I haven’t been motivated to do much of anything lately, but I figured the only way to change that is by taking baby steps.

So this post, the first one in a while, is a baby step. I don’t know what the exact fate of any aspect of my life is right now, but I do know this blog is here to stay, though it might undergo a few changes soon.

I really don’t think any of my rambling means anything to anyone, I doubt anyone will read this. I just needed to sorta publicly admit that I’ve been feeling sorta lost lately. I have faith that I won’t feel this way for too long, but for anyone who might relate, you’re definitely not alone.

Though feeling lost sucks, I know joy will come when I find myself/my way back to things or create new paths.

So please excuse the mess things might be for a while, there’s a goddess actively under construction.