I don’t belong here.

I’m in the middle of reading an article for my sociology class thinking about how much other reading I have to do and ready to break down because I don’t feel like I belong here.

Today I presented a literature review for my intro seminar, that I know is too broad. And I know that as my first one, it’s probably not as big of a deal as I’m making it. I know I’m supposed to learn from everything here.

Like, my GPA does not define me and especially doesn’t now, but still.

I know I want to do research, but I have no idea what I want to do research in yet. I feel like I’m expected to have it all figured out and I don’t.

I feel like I’m living a lie, like I can’t possibly handle everything I’ve taken on.

I don’t know my place in this world, and it sure doesn’t feel like it’s here right now.

Everything in me just wants a break, I want to give up and go live a boring life that doesn’t require I challenge myself.

I don’t know what to do.

My Narnia

Currently in Narnia, it’s amazing.

Just kidding, man do I wish Narnia existed. Could you imagine? I would’ve run away from life a long time ago.

I am not in Narnia, but I am currently being sucked into the vortex of academic literature.

Specifically, I am working on a literature review assignment for my Intro Latino/Latin American Studies seminar. While I dread writing the paper (mostly because I have less than two days to do it), I am currently living for all of these articles I am finding.

Of course, that means narrowing down a topic has been tough, but I think I am going to focus on Afro-Latinx identity in the U.S., I think.

One of the professors who I totally wanna be when I grow up told me that he got his master’s degree in Latin American Studies for selfish reasons, he really just wanted to learn about himself.

You know, like when people used to tell me I was a psych major because I was trynna figure out my own “crazy”? Welp, I am using this graduate program to learn about myself too.

There’s just so much out there-even though in the grand scheme of things the field is still relatively small- and I wanna read it all.

I wish I could just spend the entirety of my days reading and doing nothing else. Like, I think I would get around to wanting to do my own research, but right now I’m super content just reading what other people have studied.

I say this all the time, but I genuinely can’t believe I am here right now and have this opportunity.

My entire life is essentially one big identity struggle, like on the daily, so it’s nice to be able to use my courses to learn more about myself. It’s refreshing to see that this identity shit is in fact as complicated for everyone else as it seems to be for me.

To the people who actually read and/or follow this blog, I’d love to hear about your “Narnia”, or just anything really. Thanks for reading my ramblings, I gotta go back to Narnia and get some shit done.

Life is a movie

Sometimes it’s a horror film, other times it’s a drama,but the one genre my life never seems to implore is romance. Like sometimes, it comes close to being a romantic comedy. It only comes close because generally those end with flourishing romance.

Nah, your girl couldn’t even really tell you what a romantic date is.

I scare boys. I just came to this conclusion.

Well not really, I’ve always felt like I intimidate them for a bunch of reasons, but at this point in my life I scare boys because I am everything they need.

That sounds cocky, but it’s true. I spent a long time thinking boys didn’t like me because I wasn’t attractive, and the boys who did like me were only attracted to me for certain things that they’d use me for and then toss me.

I’m realizing now that boys don’t make moves because they recognize that I am gf/wifey material. They can’t handle that yet.

Bro I don’t know what’s happening, but right now through various conversations with people I’m really done with life’s romance shenanigans. I don’t got the time. I’m a whole blessing to this earth, anyone who can’t see that isn’t for me.

That’s that.

Just Call Me Dora

You know that song Dora the Explorer and her friends sing whenever they accomplish whatever they set out to in the episode?

I’m sitting in my office singing it to myself right now, because your girl handed in her first big paper for grad school at 3 o’clock this morning.

Sure, I only got like four hours of sleep last night, but I feel amazing, here’s why:

Firstly, the paper isn’t due until right before class today at like 3 pm. So like, in the world of academia, your girl go that shit done early.

Secondly, I didn’t think I could do this paper. It is essentially a sociology research proposal intended to fill a gap in the literature we have read in class to date. I’m not a fucking sociologist, so  I’m not sure if what I ended up writing was remotely close to what the professor wants, but I fucking did it.

It may not seem like much, and you’re probably like “Congrats Vic, you wrote a fucking paper”, but moments like this always make me think about the journey and the insane amount of work to get here.

If I had a brain enough to process emotions right now, I’d probably cry.

Like, I can’t believe I’m here. I don’t know exactly what I want to do with my life yet, but the fact that I am on my way to figuring it out is amazing.

My life has been like one long twisted episode of Dora the Explorer, and in moments like these I wouldn’t have it any other way.

( I have two more papers due in the next few days though, so we’ll see how long this feeling lasts.)

Because I am one

Today, I walked through the most beautiful of thunderstorms. The only thing I could have done without is my feet getting so damn wet.

I love a good thunderstorm, I didn’t always, but I think I love a good storm because I am one.

Like, your girl has come a long way from her days of being so terrified of storms that she had to believe it was just God bowling against the Devil and kicking his ass (true life that’s what made me feel better).

My (step)grandfather, the only man I’ve know as such even though he is not my blood, actually taught me how to appreciate a good storm.

Sitting on the stairs of his beach house and watching a storm roll in is freaking amazing man.

I am forever in awe of nature. It reminds you of how small you are, how many things you take for granted, how beautiful even the seemingly ugliest of things can truly be.

Your girl is not scared of storms anymore, because she is a storm.

Me and all my complexities, I am a beautiful storm. A storm that is going to leave everyone in awe. A storm that is a lot to handle, but worth withstanding for the beauty that comes at the end of every storm.

It’s easy to get caught up in the bad things in life, it’s easy to not live life out of fear of having to weather a storm, but in my life I’ve found that storms are always worth sticking out. Beauty and good truly do come of the ugliest and worst things.

As us Latinos would say “no hay mal que por bien no venga”.

Nunca soy

Voy a escribir algunos de mis blog posta en español desde ahora porque yo quiero practicar el idioma de mi patria.

¿Preguntes pero Victoria, su patria es los Estados Unidos?

Si, técnicamente, este desorden de un país es mi patria, pero no pertenezco aquí.

Cada día es una batalla de declarar mi posición y identidad en este mundo.

Es algo que pesa mucho en mi mente. Nunca me siento segura en mi identidad y no se como resolverlo.

Creo que hablando el idioma de mi gente es un paso en la dirección correcta pero también creo que no es justo que nunca soy suficiente para nadie. nunca.

Goodnight Anxiety

Anxiety is annoying AF because as much as I don’t wanna think about last night’s ordeal because I’m going to bed now and wanna actually sleep, I can’t help but think about it.

I think the thing that really has me shook is how scary it was. I genuinely felt like I was losing my shit. Like I can’t even really describe it, but your girl was not all here for a few minutes.

I genuinely do feel better, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared it was gonna happen again.

I don’t think it will though.

The biggest thing stressing me out has finally been tackled. I’m determined to be done with this dang sociology paper tomorrow night (aka today cause it’s 1 am) I know I can do it, and I’m ready to. The sense of relief that is going to come over me when it’s done is gonna be amazing.

I’m actually really proud of myself. I was scared of this assignment. So scared I emailed the professor for clarification, and if you know me, you know that means I was in need.

I have most of it mapped out so when I get to typing everything will be perfect. I’m still stressed given that I’m a perfectionist and I have no idea if it’ll be good, but I’m not as stressed as I was, I’m happy.

I’m ready to be done with this one and conquer the next two.

So in a weird turn of events, we’ll actually not so weird because writing is one of my coping mechanisms, I’m not so anxious anymore. Goodnight y’all