I don’t know how

I don’t always know how to explain to people that certain things drain me more than the average person. Certain things suck an outstanding amount of energy out of me.

I’m one strong mofo, and people know that, so they don’t always take time to consider my weak points.

I love going out and experiencing life, but I can’t do it all the time. Socializing physically and mentally drains me.

I’m also very calculated, I don’t like to do things that I don’t think will have a positive outcome. So if that means declining an invitation out because I know at the end of the night I will have felt like it wasn’t worth all the energy I need to get through it, I will decline that invitation. If it means cancelling plans because I’m more anxious about them than I originally thought, I cancel.

It’s not that I’m no fun, it’s not that I can’t be spontaneous etc. It’s that I know my limits, I know what works for me and what doesn’t.

Quite frankly, when I decline or cancel on friends, it’s really just as much for them as it is for me. When I’m not in the right headspace I’m not very fun to be around. Me not participating means no one has to ask me a million times what’s wrong or tell me to smile and I don’t have to get cranky at them for it.

There’s are a lot of complicated things about me, and I just don’t know how to explain them to everyone. Nor do I feel like I should have to all the time, but that’s for another post.

Present-Future Balance?

Living for both right this moment and the future is a mind boggling experience. The balance between focusing on the present and the future is so hard to maintain.

The present really sort of has two versions for me, the right now, and the near future.

Yesterday, a friend asked me if I wanted to attend a concert with her. High school me would’ve jumped at the opportunity without hesitation. Current me knows that I should allow myself some joys in this life, but also struggles with worrying about everything else under the sun.

This summer has been dedicated to working my ass off, paying down my credit cards and saving what I can.

That may sound easy to a full blown adult but it’s actually really hard because even though I live at home, I am basically supporting myself otherwise.

Last week I beat myself up for literally spending $25 on getting my nails done even though having them done makes me feel great. My dad always says that little joys like getting my nails done are worth it, but he’s also the same person who breathes down my neck about spending and saving.

It’s this thing I can’t quite figure out. I do know, however, that tomorrow isn’t even promised so above all else I should allow myself to live my life to the fullest while I’m still here.

Just gotta try to figure this shit out.

Here we go again

I feel like my life is a never ending cycle of the same shitty scenarios.

Like the key things my life has taught me are probably :

– People Suck

– All boys do is lie

– Love doesn’t exist

– People don’t change

– Things don’t get easier no matter how hard you try

Like, it all just sucks. I’m over it, I just wanna feel unstuck but at this point I don’t know how to get there.

Fuzzy

Life is a little bit fuzzy right now, I’m not even going to lie to you.

Things change from day to day. My moods are different, my attitude towards this blog, my motivation, you name it and it’s probably different on a day to day basis for me right now.

The easiest explanation I can give is that it’s summer. You know, days jumble together and all that.

As usual, there’s way too much going on in my mind all the time, and I don’t really know how to handle any of it.

I feel way better than I did at the beginning of this summer during my post-graduation slump, so that’s good. There’s just all of a sudden a lot going on and I don’t really know where to focus my attention.

Work, friends, boys, eating right, working out, blogging, reading, paying bills,  there’s jsut a lot going on.

It’s all fuzzy. I think my best bet is to attempt to actually take things one day at a time, but we’ll see.

I feel…

Better!

Today was a good day I would say. Definitely not as down as I have been lately, but definitely still searching for something more.

Like I just need more to be excited about and focused on.

I set some goals for myself that I’m going to be working on till my birthday, and day one is officially done.

I really just struggle with motivation when there’s no real structure to my life, but I’m trying to make structure. It’s funny because it’s just another example of how much of an “in between” person I am.

I need structure to function but I also live for spontaneity. I hate social interaction and how it sucks the life out of me, but I also need it.

It’s all good though, just have to figure out what works best for the different balances.

I feel like things are gonna be alright.

Self Care Saturday

Last night, in a conversation with a friend I said the most real thing I’ve ever said and it hit me hard.

She asked what sparked me getting so sad all of a sudden and all I could reply was “I’m always sad”.

It’s true, I do a great job of temporarily forgetting about my sadness or pretending to. This is the case for a variety of reasons.

Like, who wants to be the girl who is sad all the time? Who wants to be pitied and babied about it? What exactly am I sad about? What would fix it?

I have the strongest urge to stop talking about it even now, to ignore it and talk about how I’m going to use today to center myself again.

The fact of the matter is, no matter how I may come off to you the reader (whiny brat, pessimist, someone who is never satisfied etc etc) I need to talk about it as much as I can.

I know I’m not alone in most of the experiences I write about on this blog, and that brings me comfort, so if my posts brings someone else comfort than its worth looking whatever fucked up way someone might perceive me.

Ultimately, I think I’m sad because I don’t feel love. I don’t need it from one particular person or one particular form of love I just need to feel it. I need to feel loved and I need to feel love around me, in and between the people around me. That’s all.

I wanna be happy, and I wanna be around happy people. I want everyone to always know and feel their worth. I want everyone to know that they belong and deserve to live their best life. That’s all.

So I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do on this self care Saturday but I’m ready to make the most of it.

The Fight

I feel like I’ve been fighting all the wrong things lately.

Today, Demi Lovato dropped a song about relapsing and how it makes her feel/ affects others around her.

It really has me thinking a lot.

While I don’t struggle with drug addiction or alcoholism, it’s no secret that I’ve had some battles with mental health issues.

For whatever reason, when I’m not feeling well about myself I resort to trying to become a hermit. I withdraw, I blame it on being an introvert, but the truth is, it pains me to be that alone.

I waste my time and energy trying to be something I’m not, rather than dealing with what is actually bothering me.

As of lately, I’m lonely and feel like my life is lacking direction. I don’t know how to fix my loneliness because I don’t believe people actually wanna be around me. I don’t believe people value me as much as they say they do. I’m a skeptical person who has been let down one too many times *shrugs*.

It’s not that I don’t feel good about myself, I’m in a pretty good place on that actually. I know what I have to offer this world, I am aware of things that I need to improve upon vs things I don’t need to improve upon but think that others would want me to.

Like, I know it’s dramatic to think that no one cares for me, and that no one will ever really romantically care for me, but that’s what it feels like sometimes. Sometimes I am just overcome by this need to belong, this need to feel like someone loves me, like someone cares. Lately that’s been consuming me, and I think writing about it is the first step to changing that.

I know this post is rambly, I apologize, when I started writing I didn’t think I’d get into it like this.

When I feel lonely, I isolate myself, that isolation makes me feel worse. It’s a cycle. It’s not an endless one though, I’m going to change it.

Admitting all this was the first step. Next, I just need to allow myself to live each day as it comes. Like, I keep trying to set rules for myself and create structure that isn’t needed.

I am my own worst enemy tbh, but I’m gonna fix that.

I won the fight against hating myself, it’s time to win the fight against being too hard on myself.